Genie in a Cellphone

(from the files of Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly take on the stranger news from the Asia-Pacific region, written and performed by Charlie Storrar and Andrew Ryan. Stream it online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Bangladesh: Police in the north of the country say they have arrested dozens of swindlers who conned people out of money by calling them pretending to be genies with magical powers, according to AFP.The con artists would first gather information about their victims before calling them in "a tone similar to Arabic" and claiming to have supernatural powers. Saying they were genies descended from the sky, they would threaten a family tragedy unless the victims sent them money.

Now this is not the kind of behaviour we expect from genies, who surely are supposed to do nice things in line with the bidder's wishes. We at Instant Noodles dislike nuisance calls of any kind. But what if someone called you up genuinely offering you three wishes?

(phone conversation)

Man: Hello?

Caller: Hello, I'm calling to ask if you are happy with your current cell phone plan.

Man: Quite happy, thank you.

Caller: Would you be interested in upgrading to our Platinum Genie calling plan?

Man: No, I think I'm quite-

Caller: If I could just take a minute of your time-

Man: (sighs) Go on then...

Caller: With the Platinum Genie plan you get extra talk time at evenings and weekends, unlimited text messages and three wishes.

Man: Look, I think I've made it clear I'm not -- wait, what was that last part?

Caller: Unlimited text messages.

Man: No, not that part, the other part.

Caller: Oh, you get three free hours of talk time per month to selected friends and family-

Man: No! The last thing you said, about the wishes!

Caller: Oh yes, you get three wishes.

Man: What kind of wishes?

Caller: As a signing-on bonus you get three wishes to fulfill the deepest desires of your heart.

Man: What? You're kidding, right?

Caller: No no, it's all part of our new offer.

Man: So I could wish for anything?

Caller: Uh... yeah, it's in the contract, so yeah.

Man: Huh.

Caller: But we are obliged to warn customers to be careful what they wish for.

Man: What does that mean?

Caller: Well, for instance, possessing infinite wealth may not necessarily make you happy.

Man: Okay.

Caller: Also, once you get to know her, the most beautiful woman in the world is actually kind of annoying.

Man: Really.

Caller: Seriously. Make sure you wish for infinite wealth first, you'll need it when you see what she's bought on your credit card.

Man: Wait. So you're signed up to this plan yourself, then?

Caller: Was.

Man: Why "was?"

Caller: Well that was my third wish, wasn't it? To cancel the contract.

Man: Sounds like it wasn't working out for you.

Caller: I wish I'd never heard of it. Unfortunately, I'm all out of wishes.

Man: So why are you trying to sell it to me?

Caller: No choice, see. They took away the woman and the infinite wealth... but not the credit card bill...

Man: Ah.

Caller: So now I'm working in this call centre.

Man: I see. You know what, I think I'm going to pass.

Caller: Fair enough. But just to let you know, as a long-time customer, you're eligible for one free wish.

Man: I am?

Caller: Yeah.

Man: And I can wish for anything?

Caller: Anything at all.

Man: Okay. I wish you people would stop calling me at dinner time.

Caller: Oh. Except for that. Sorry.

(You can listen to this week's Instant Noodles by going to english.rti org.tw and clicking on one of the two media player icons next to Thursday on the left hand side of the page. When your media player opens, move playback bar to approx 25 minutes in.)

經濟因素讓佛地魔的上升不可避免

歷史學家覺得希特勒納粹黨上升的主要因素是第一次世界大戰後凡爾賽條約對德國施行的制裁所造成的影響讓德國經濟一直虛弱. 鑒於如此, 我們很容易可以理解在哈利波特世界裡頭佛地魔怎麼能夠在短短十五年的時段內兩次上台掌權.

我真的搞不懂魔法世界的經濟如何可以運用.應該是魔法吧.若是,的確是黑魔法.魔法社會已經差一點算是法西斯制度: 他擁有霸權集中式的官僚政治,還有刑事司法非常專制不公平.再加上一個還需要採用家庭小精靈奴隸勞工之不可保持的經濟制度 – 歡迎任何邪惡獨裁來上台吧!

巫師跟女巫大部分不是在魔法部上班就是在霍格華茲學校教書, 就是在文官或教育部門工作.好像在整個魔法世界裡只有渺小的一群人從事經濟方面的活動 – 就是那些在斜角巷和活米村開小店的. 我一點也不相信這些小型企業得來的稅能夠保持大型昂貴的公共團體魔法部, 霍格華茲, 阿茲卡班等等.

因此,我們可以了解為什麼那些有錢的純血統貴族繼續施加陰險的壓力. 如果你搞不懂為什麼魔法部一直要迫害替罪羊,而不願意處罰像馬份家,雷斯壯家等那些明顯邪惡的殺人犯? 答案很簡單 – 魔法部付不起.

妖精拉環 (Griphook the Goblin) 深害怕佛地魔政權很有道理. 不幸他的種族是哈利波特宇宙裡的猶太人. 再說,佛地魔的家族在過去很有錢但通過懶散變窮.上台之後,佛地魔很快會譴責妖精人,指控他們壟斷銀行業,隱藏巫師的財產, 魔法經濟的停滯都怪他們.魔法社會因為對其他文化很無知,所以會很樂意去嚴守佛地魔的規定.幾世紀的魔法金融處置失當都會臨在妖精的頭上,他們也會付出最嚴重的代價…

下個禮拜… 為什麼魁地奇的規則想出的那麼糟糕?

(這是我的第一篇用中文編的文章,身為外國人若有部分中文寫的不好,請多見諒指教,謝謝!)

Voldemort's Rise: An Economic Inevitability

Historians generally trace the rise of Hitler and the Nazis back to the Treaty of Versailles and the crippling effect this had on Germany's economy in the 1920s. In this light it's easy to see how in the Harry Potter universe the Dark Lord Voldemort has managed to seize power not once but twice in a short fifteen-year period.

I find it hard to understand how the economy of the wizarding world is held together. By magic, would be the obvious answer. But if so, it is dark magic indeed. Wizard society is already quasi-fascist with its overbearing centralized bureaucracy and horrifically arbitrary criminal justice system. Throw into the equation an unsustainable economic model barely underpinned by slave labour in the form of house elves (thanks to Simon Dillon for pointing this out) and the stage is all set for an evil dictator to step in and take over the reins.

The majority of wizards and witches work either in the Ministry of Magic or at Hogwarts, that is to say in the civil service or education sectors. The only ones in the wizarding world who engage in any economic activity at all seem to be a minority group of small retailers operating in Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade. Now I severely doubt that the tax revenues from this tiny middle class could support such monolithic and costly institutions as the Ministry, Hogwarts and Azkaban.

Consequently we see why the old money of the evil pure-blood aristocracy continues to exert such a powerful influence. Why, we ask, does the Ministry continually persecute scapegoats rather than punishing truly murderous villains such as the Malfoys and the Lestranges? The answer is simple -- because they can't afford to.

Griphook the Goblin has good reason to fear a Voldemort regime. His race are the Jews of the Potter universe and Voldemort is the last in the line of a once-wealthy family brought to hardship by its own indolence. All too soon the Dark Lord will blame Goblin dominance of the banking sector and hoarding of wizard assets for the economic stagnation and the insular and culturally-ignorant wizarding community will happily follow suit. It is the Goblins who will pay the price for centuries of wizarding financial mismanagement.

Next week -- why Quidditch is the most poorly thought-out sport ever devised.

Tall Sisters and Mighty Brothers -- Get ready for the World Games!

In case you didn't know, this Thursday (July 16th) will see the start of the World Games 2009 in Kaohsiung (高雄), an eleven-day celebration of the world's top non-Olympic sports. In the next two weeks we will see the world's finest athletes take each other on in such events as Korfball, Tchoukball and Fistball (although I'm sad to see Dodgeball has missed out this time.) My own patented sport of Crazy Bowling pioneered on the august lanes of Ximen Ding, in which competitors must adopt a different handicap for each round culminating in the challenging "blindfold" stage in round ten, has been submitted for inclusion in the 2013 games, provided I set up a federation in time.

I'll be writing more on these hugely underrated sports in later posts, as soon as I work out what their rules are.

In this first post however I would like to introduce the individuals without which no international sporting event would be complete -- I refer of course to the official mascots. There are two mascots for the Kaohsiung Games and they are named Gao Mei (高妹) and Syong Ge (雄哥), each one incorporating one of the characters which form the name of the host city. (Don't blame me for the inconsistent romanization -- this is Taiwan.)

Gao Mei is a girl, her name meaning Little Sister Gao, where gao also means tall or superior and Syong Ge is a boy, his name meaning Elder Brother Syong, syong also meaning grand, mighty, possessed of stature. Lest there be any confusion as to which one is which, Gao Mei is pink and Syong Ge is blue. (Don't blame me for the hackneyed gender stereotyping -- this is Taiwan.)

To quote from the official promotional material for the games, the mascots are "in the shape of droplets, water spirits personifying Kaoshiung as a city of the sea and the sun." In appearance they are a cross between the Teletubbies and the Coneheads, each one with a golden ring around the pointy top of their head, and a little ball suspended in the air above the point.

To quote again from the official guidebook,"the spheres above their crested heads absorb solar energy – like the roof of the World Games Stadium – and illuminate both with a message of ecology and environmental protection."

On the other hand, I think they look like they got roped into playing a game of hoop-la (not a World Games event, incidentally) without being told beforehand that they were in fact the targets. But then again, this is possibly why they didn't get me to write the promotional material.

Bird's Eye: The Pigeon Art Fanciers

From the files of Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly wrap of the stranger news from the Asia-Pacific region...

Pigeons like these pictures: Toulouse-Lautrec and Jackson Pollock.

Japan: Researchers at Tokyo's Keio University say this week that pigeons have "advanced perceptive abilities" and can distinguish between good and bad paintings in the same way that humans do, according to AFP.

This research comes to us courtesy of the same team that previously established that pigeons can tell a Monet from a Picasso (that is to say, they can tell a blurry face from a blocky face.)

For this experiment the researchers took paintings by elementary school children which were then sorted into "good" and "bad" by a control group of teachers and other adults (presumably not including the children's parents). Over the course of a month, the pigeons were rewarded for pecking at the good pictures, to the point where they could judge paintings they had not seen before on their artistic merit.

This represents a broadening of artistic horizons for the humble pigeon. In the past their artistic tastes have been expressed largely via the targeting of statues and sculptures. Now they are ready to run their beady eye over some of the world's great masterpieces. Let us now join two pigeons as they enjoy a stroll around their favourite art museum -- the Coo-ggenheim!

(harp music dissolve)

Pigeon 1: Ah, I do so adore the work of Toulouse-Lautrec.

Pigeon 2: As do I, the Bohemian nightlife of fin-de-siecle Paris...

Pigeon 1: You really feel like you could be walking around those same filthy Montmartre streets.

Pigeon 2: Strutting around people's ankles...

Pigeon 1: Yes, and pecking up the food they drop.

Pigeon 2: So vivid.

Pigeon 1: Marvelous.

Pigeon 2: This, now! -- this is genius!

Pigeon 1: Yes indeed. Jackson Pollock.

Pigeon 2: A master.

Pigeon 1: Absolutely. So rare to find a human who appreciates the beauty of the perfect splat.

Pigeon 2: Very rare. I especially like the thickness of the plops.

Pigeon 1: Oh, I adore them all -- the thick ones, the stringy ones, the dribbly ones...

Pigeon 2: Seemingly random yet brilliantly orchestrated.

Pigeon 1: And to think he couldn't even fly!

Pigeon 2: Yes, that's the amazing thing.

Pigeon 1: For a land-based mammal to have such an eye for the trajectory, the speed of approach...

Pigeon 2: An instinctive feel for vector.

Pigeon 1: For vector, as you say. Truly sublime.

Pigeon 2: And the colours as well!

Pigeon 1: Oh yes -- I mean, to produce such diversity of colour... I can only imagine what he had to eat!

Pigeon 2: Yes, I'm not surprised he died so young...

This post is an extract from last week's edition of Instant Noodles. Listen to this week's show online now at http://english.rti.org.tw (Thursday).

India's police give new meaning to "packing heat"

(from this week's Instant Noodles, hear the full show online now at english.rti.org.tw)

India's security forces are planning a new way to bring the heat on the street -- by using the world's hottest chilli to control riots and during counter-insurgency operations, according to Reuters.

India's defence scientists say they will replace exposives in small hand grenades with bhut jolokia chillis to immobilise a person without killing him.

The bhut jolokia chilli is the world's hottest, measuring 1,000,000 units on the Scoville scale. That's at least one thousand times hotter than a common kitchen chilli. If you have ever sat next to somebody who has recently eaten a Vindaloo, you will be well aware: when one of those goes off, you're in a world of pain.

We at Instant Noodles hope that India's security forces will deploy this new weaponized chilli with restraint and not disproportionately...

(Sounds of an angry crowd chanting. The Chief of Police addresses the crowd over a loudhailer.)

Police Chief: Please disperse! If you do not return to your homes we will be forced to use our range of curry-based crowd control grenades!

(The chanting continues.)

Police Chief: Very well! You are now being sprayed with Korma sauce! This is quite mild but will leave you with a strong but not unpleasant smell of coconut! Consider this a warning!

(The chanting continues.)

Police Chief: If you do not desist we will proceed to deploy the Jalfrezi, with its rich dry sauce and added green peppers!

(The chanting continues.)

Police Chief: No, this isn't working. Sergeant, go straight to Vindaloo strength. (To crowd) This is Vindaloo! It will sting your eyes and blister your skin! It will also ensure that next time you use the lavatory you will have to light a match and announce to your roommates, "You might want to give that a few minutes!" Which will be very embarrassing for you!

(The chanting changes to cries of "Ow!" "It burns!" "Hot hot hot!" "I don't like it!" etc.)

Police Chief: Okay, that's enough! Sergeant, douse them with mango chutney and send them home.

(To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on one of the media player icons next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When your media player opens, move the playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.)

The Matchmaker's Apprentice

(From this week's Instant Noodles -- RTI's weekly take on the lighter news from the Asia Pacific region. Stream it online at english.rti.org.tw)

South Korea: Nearly 400 men between the ages of 26 and 49 have applied to marry a millionairess who advertised for a soulmate. The 49-year-old millionairess doesn't have time to vet them all herself, being a high-powered businesswoman, so she's taken on a matchmaking service to help her whittle down the candidates to the most "serious-minded."

Doctors, lawyers, accountants, soldiers, teachers, bank workers and civil servants are just some of those who have thrown their varied hats in the ring and eight have now been selected for the final round.

We at Instant Noodles were privileged to have a behind the scenes look at the last-- Okay, obviously we weren't but you know the shtick. Join us now for what we imagine to be a cross between The Bachelor and The Apprentice...


(Bouncy intro music. Voiceover: They nauseated you in The Bachelor! Their aggressive smug posturing infuriated you in The Apprentice! Now they face their toughest challenge yet as they prepare to face -- their Matchmaker!)

Scene: a boardroom. The three final contestants sit facing The Matchmaker)

Matchmaker: Thank you for coming, gentlemen. As you know, our mission is to find a suitable husband for our CEO. Are there any questions before we start? Yes.

Candidate 2: Will we get to meet the lady at any point?

Matchmaker: I’m sorry, she’s a very busy woman. Okay, let’s start with you -- number one.

Candidate 1: Yes.

Matchmaker: It says here you’re 23.

Candidate 1: That’s right.

Matchmaker: You know that’s very young for the position

Candidate 1: Don’t be fooled. I’ve achieved more already than most people three times my age. I give 120 percent 150 percent of the time and I don’t know the meaning of the word failure.

Matchmaker: I see. Fan of The Apprentice, I'm guessing?

Candidate 1: Never miss it.

Matchmaker: Right.

Candidate 1: I’ve seen 170 percent of all the episodes.

Matchmaker: Yes… The problem is, you don’t really have any experience at this level. You’ve never been married.

Candidate 1: No, but I did once have a girlfriend who was very high maintenance.

Matchmaker: I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re suitable.

Candidate 1: I think you’re wrong.

Matchmaker: Let me put it like this. You have a 200 percent chance of not getting this job. Go away.

Candidate 1: You’ll regret this! I’ll marry my own 49-year-old and we’ll see who’s laughing then!

Matchmaker: Such horrid people you get on this show. Next, number two -- age 43, that’s a bit more like it. Experience… it says you have been married before.

Candidate 2: Yes, I’m divorced.

Matchmaker: Ah. So why did your first marriage fail?

Candidate 2: Well there wasn’t one single reason…

Matchmaker: But you must have done a performance review…

Candidate 2: Well I would like to think I’ve learned from my mistakes.

Matchmaker: Maybe. But we'd still have to carry out due diligence with your background. Frankly I don’t feel you deserve a second chance with an investment this size. Sorry. Next. Okay, number three, age 49, that’s good. You’ve been married before too I see. Divorced?

Candidate 3: Er no, I’m a widower.

Matchmaker: Hmm. Congratulations, you’re hired!

Candidate 3: Oh. Right. So, what happens now?

Matchmaker: I’ll just buzz you through. (buzz, door opening) Ma’am, we’ve found a husband for you, this is Mr…

Candidate 3: Kim.

Matchmaker: Mr Kim.

Bride: Nice to meet you, dear. Shall we? (Wedding march starts up)

Candidate 3: Oh. Er…

Bride: If we could be quick, I have a board meeting in ten minutes.

(Reading the script is all very well but how about hearing to the real thing as performed by Charlie and Andrew Ryan with silly voices, sound effects and everything! Listen to Instant Noodles by going to english.rti.org.tw then locating Thursday on the left hand side of the page. Click on one of the two media player icons next to Thursday and when your media player appears, move the playback bar to around 25 minutes in. It does work, honest.)