Charlogy Online

Genie in a Cellphone

2009-08-06T16:19:00.005+08:00

(from the files of Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly take on the stranger news from the Asia-Pacific region, written and performed by Charlie Storrar and Andrew Ryan. Stream it online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Bangladesh: Police in the north of the country say they have arrested dozens of swindlers who conned people out of money by calling them pretending to be genies with magical powers, according to AFP.The con artists would first gather information about their victims before calling them in "a tone similar to Arabic" and claiming to have supernatural powers. Saying they were genies descended from the sky, they would threaten a family tragedy unless the victims sent them money.

Now this is not the kind of behaviour we expect from genies, who surely are supposed to do nice things in line with the bidder's wishes. We at Instant Noodles dislike nuisance calls of any kind. But what if someone called you up genuinely offering you three wishes?

(phone conversation)

Man: Hello?

Caller: Hello, I'm calling to ask if you are happy with your current cell phone plan.

Man: Quite happy, thank you.

Caller: Would you be interested in upgrading to our Platinum Genie calling plan?

Man: No, I think I'm quite-

Caller: If I could just take a minute of your time-

Man: (sighs) Go on then...

Caller: With the Platinum Genie plan you get extra talk time at evenings and weekends, unlimited text messages and three wishes.

Man: Look, I think I've made it clear I'm not -- wait, what was that last part?

Caller: Unlimited text messages.

Man: No, not that part, the other part.

Caller: Oh, you get three free hours of talk time per month to selected friends and family-

Man: No! The last thing you said, about the wishes!

Caller: Oh yes, you get three wishes.

Man: What kind of wishes?

Caller: As a signing-on bonus you get three wishes to fulfill the deepest desires of your heart.

Man: What? You're kidding, right?

Caller: No no, it's all part of our new offer.

Man: So I could wish for anything?

Caller: Uh... yeah, it's in the contract, so yeah.

Man: Huh.

Caller: But we are obliged to warn customers to be careful what they wish for.

Man: What does that mean?

Caller: Well, for instance, possessing infinite wealth may not necessarily make you happy.

Man: Okay.

Caller: Also, once you get to know her, the most beautiful woman in the world is actually kind of annoying.

Man: Really.

Caller: Seriously. Make sure you wish for infinite wealth first, you'll need it when you see what she's bought on your credit card.

Man: Wait. So you're signed up to this plan yourself, then?

Caller: Was.

Man: Why "was?"

Caller: Well that was my third wish, wasn't it? To cancel the contract.

Man: Sounds like it wasn't working out for you.

Caller: I wish I'd never heard of it. Unfortunately, I'm all out of wishes.

Man: So why are you trying to sell it to me?

Caller: No choice, see. They took away the woman and the infinite wealth... but not the credit card bill...

Man: Ah.

Caller: So now I'm working in this call centre.

Man: I see. You know what, I think I'm going to pass.

Caller: Fair enough. But just to let you know, as a long-time customer, you're eligible for one free wish.

Man: I am?

Caller: Yeah.

Man: And I can wish for anything?

Caller: Anything at all.

Man: Okay. I wish you people would stop calling me at dinner time.

Caller: Oh. Except for that. Sorry.

(You can listen to this week's Instant Noodles by going to english.rti org.tw and clicking on one of the two media player icons next to Thursday on the left hand side of the page. When your media player opens, move playback bar to approx 25 minutes in.)

經濟因素讓佛地魔的上升不可避免

2009-07-22T23:38:00.000+08:00

歷史學家覺得希特勒納粹黨上升的主要因素是第一次世界大戰後凡爾賽條約對德國施行的制裁所造成的影響讓德國經濟一直虛弱. 鑒於如此, 我們很容易可以理解在哈利波特世界裡頭佛地魔怎麼能夠在短短十五年的時段內兩次上台掌權.

我真的搞不懂魔法世界的經濟如何可以運用.應該是魔法吧.若是,的確是黑魔法.魔法社會已經差一點算是法西斯制度: 他擁有霸權集中式的官僚政治,還有刑事司法非常專制不公平.再加上一個還需要採用家庭小精靈奴隸勞工之不可保持的經濟制度 – 歡迎任何邪惡獨裁來上台吧!

巫師跟女巫大部分不是在魔法部上班就是在霍格華茲學校教書, 就是在文官或教育部門工作.好像在整個魔法世界裡只有渺小的一群人從事經濟方面的活動 – 就是那些在斜角巷和活米村開小店的. 我一點也不相信這些小型企業得來的稅能夠保持大型昂貴的公共團體魔法部, 霍格華茲, 阿茲卡班等等.

因此,我們可以了解為什麼那些有錢的純血統貴族繼續施加陰險的壓力. 如果你搞不懂為什麼魔法部一直要迫害替罪羊,而不願意處罰像馬份家,雷斯壯家等那些明顯邪惡的殺人犯? 答案很簡單 – 魔法部付不起.

妖精拉環 (Griphook the Goblin) 深害怕佛地魔政權很有道理. 不幸他的種族是哈利波特宇宙裡的猶太人. 再說,佛地魔的家族在過去很有錢但通過懶散變窮.上台之後,佛地魔很快會譴責妖精人,指控他們壟斷銀行業,隱藏巫師的財產, 魔法經濟的停滯都怪他們.魔法社會因為對其他文化很無知,所以會很樂意去嚴守佛地魔的規定.幾世紀的魔法金融處置失當都會臨在妖精的頭上,他們也會付出最嚴重的代價…

下個禮拜… 為什麼魁地奇的規則想出的那麼糟糕?

(這是我的第一篇用中文編的文章,身為外國人若有部分中文寫的不好,請多見諒指教,謝謝!)

Voldemort's Rise: An Economic Inevitability

2009-07-19T16:12:00.000+08:00

Historians generally trace the rise of Hitler and the Nazis back to the Treaty of Versailles and the crippling effect this had on Germany's economy in the 1920s. In this light it's easy to see how in the Harry Potter universe the Dark Lord Voldemort has managed to seize power not once but twice in a short fifteen-year period.

I find it hard to understand how the economy of the wizarding world is held together. By magic, would be the obvious answer. But if so, it is dark magic indeed. Wizard society is already quasi-fascist with its overbearing centralized bureaucracy and horrifically arbitrary criminal justice system. Throw into the equation an unsustainable economic model barely underpinned by slave labour in the form of house elves (thanks to Simon Dillon for pointing this out) and the stage is all set for an evil dictator to step in and take over the reins.

The majority of wizards and witches work either in the Ministry of Magic or at Hogwarts, that is to say in the civil service or education sectors. The only ones in the wizarding world who engage in any economic activity at all seem to be a minority group of small retailers operating in Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade. Now I severely doubt that the tax revenues from this tiny middle class could support such monolithic and costly institutions as the Ministry, Hogwarts and Azkaban.

Consequently we see why the old money of the evil pure-blood aristocracy continues to exert such a powerful influence. Why, we ask, does the Ministry continually persecute scapegoats rather than punishing truly murderous villains such as the Malfoys and the Lestranges? The answer is simple -- because they can't afford to.

Griphook the Goblin has good reason to fear a Voldemort regime. His race are the Jews of the Potter universe and Voldemort is the last in the line of a once-wealthy family brought to hardship by its own indolence. All too soon the Dark Lord will blame Goblin dominance of the banking sector and hoarding of wizard assets for the economic stagnation and the insular and culturally-ignorant wizarding community will happily follow suit. It is the Goblins who will pay the price for centuries of wizarding financial mismanagement.

Next week -- why Quidditch is the most poorly thought-out sport ever devised.

Tall Sisters and Mighty Brothers -- Get ready for the World Games!

2009-07-16T01:50:00.002+08:00

In case you didn't know, this Thursday (July 16th) will see the start of the World Games 2009 in Kaohsiung (高雄), an eleven-day celebration of the world's top non-Olympic sports. In the next two weeks we will see the world's finest athletes take each other on in such events as Korfball, Tchoukball and Fistball (although I'm sad to see Dodgeball has missed out this time.) My own patented sport of Crazy Bowling pioneered on the august lanes of Ximen Ding, in which competitors must adopt a different handicap for each round culminating in the challenging "blindfold" stage in round ten, has been submitted for inclusion in the 2013 games, provided I set up a federation in time.

I'll be writing more on these hugely underrated sports in later posts, as soon as I work out what their rules are.

In this first post however I would like to introduce the individuals without which no international sporting event would be complete -- I refer of course to the official mascots. There are two mascots for the Kaohsiung Games and they are named Gao Mei (高妹) and Syong Ge (雄哥), each one incorporating one of the characters which form the name of the host city. (Don't blame me for the inconsistent romanization -- this is Taiwan.)

Gao Mei is a girl, her name meaning Little Sister Gao, where gao also means tall or superior and Syong Ge is a boy, his name meaning Elder Brother Syong, syong also meaning grand, mighty, possessed of stature. Lest there be any confusion as to which one is which, Gao Mei is pink and Syong Ge is blue. (Don't blame me for the hackneyed gender stereotyping -- this is Taiwan.)

To quote from the official promotional material for the games, the mascots are "in the shape of droplets, water spirits personifying Kaoshiung as a city of the sea and the sun." In appearance they are a cross between the Teletubbies and the Coneheads, each one with a golden ring around the pointy top of their head, and a little ball suspended in the air above the point.

To quote again from the official guidebook,"the spheres above their crested heads absorb solar energy – like the roof of the World Games Stadium – and illuminate both with a message of ecology and environmental protection."

On the other hand, I think they look like they got roped into playing a game of hoop-la (not a World Games event, incidentally) without being told beforehand that they were in fact the targets. But then again, this is possibly why they didn't get me to write the promotional material.

Bird's Eye: The Pigeon Art Fanciers

2009-07-11T14:47:00.003+08:00

From the files of Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly wrap of the stranger news from the Asia-Pacific region...

Pigeons like these pictures: Toulouse-Lautrec and Jackson Pollock.

Japan: Researchers at Tokyo's Keio University say this week that pigeons have "advanced perceptive abilities" and can distinguish between good and bad paintings in the same way that humans do, according to AFP.

This research comes to us courtesy of the same team that previously established that pigeons can tell a Monet from a Picasso (that is to say, they can tell a blurry face from a blocky face.)

For this experiment the researchers took paintings by elementary school children which were then sorted into "good" and "bad" by a control group of teachers and other adults (presumably not including the children's parents). Over the course of a month, the pigeons were rewarded for pecking at the good pictures, to the point where they could judge paintings they had not seen before on their artistic merit.

This represents a broadening of artistic horizons for the humble pigeon. In the past their artistic tastes have been expressed largely via the targeting of statues and sculptures. Now they are ready to run their beady eye over some of the world's great masterpieces. Let us now join two pigeons as they enjoy a stroll around their favourite art museum -- the Coo-ggenheim!

(harp music dissolve)

Pigeon 1: Ah, I do so adore the work of Toulouse-Lautrec.

Pigeon 2: As do I, the Bohemian nightlife of fin-de-siecle Paris...

Pigeon 1: You really feel like you could be walking around those same filthy Montmartre streets.

Pigeon 2: Strutting around people's ankles...

Pigeon 1: Yes, and pecking up the food they drop.

Pigeon 2: So vivid.

Pigeon 1: Marvelous.

Pigeon 2: This, now! -- this is genius!

Pigeon 1: Yes indeed. Jackson Pollock.

Pigeon 2: A master.

Pigeon 1: Absolutely. So rare to find a human who appreciates the beauty of the perfect splat.

Pigeon 2: Very rare. I especially like the thickness of the plops.

Pigeon 1: Oh, I adore them all -- the thick ones, the stringy ones, the dribbly ones...

Pigeon 2: Seemingly random yet brilliantly orchestrated.

Pigeon 1: And to think he couldn't even fly!

Pigeon 2: Yes, that's the amazing thing.

Pigeon 1: For a land-based mammal to have such an eye for the trajectory, the speed of approach...

Pigeon 2: An instinctive feel for vector.

Pigeon 1: For vector, as you say. Truly sublime.

Pigeon 2: And the colours as well!

Pigeon 1: Oh yes -- I mean, to produce such diversity of colour... I can only imagine what he had to eat!

Pigeon 2: Yes, I'm not surprised he died so young...

This post is an extract from last week's edition of Instant Noodles. Listen to this week's show online now at http://english.rti.org.tw (Thursday).

India's police give new meaning to "packing heat"

2009-07-06T17:55:00.002+08:00

(from this week's Instant Noodles, hear the full show online now at english.rti.org.tw)

India's security forces are planning a new way to bring the heat on the street -- by using the world's hottest chilli to control riots and during counter-insurgency operations, according to Reuters.

India's defence scientists say they will replace exposives in small hand grenades with bhut jolokia chillis to immobilise a person without killing him.

The bhut jolokia chilli is the world's hottest, measuring 1,000,000 units on the Scoville scale. That's at least one thousand times hotter than a common kitchen chilli. If you have ever sat next to somebody who has recently eaten a Vindaloo, you will be well aware: when one of those goes off, you're in a world of pain.

We at Instant Noodles hope that India's security forces will deploy this new weaponized chilli with restraint and not disproportionately...

(Sounds of an angry crowd chanting. The Chief of Police addresses the crowd over a loudhailer.)

Police Chief: Please disperse! If you do not return to your homes we will be forced to use our range of curry-based crowd control grenades!

(The chanting continues.)

Police Chief: Very well! You are now being sprayed with Korma sauce! This is quite mild but will leave you with a strong but not unpleasant smell of coconut! Consider this a warning!

(The chanting continues.)

Police Chief: If you do not desist we will proceed to deploy the Jalfrezi, with its rich dry sauce and added green peppers!

(The chanting continues.)

Police Chief: No, this isn't working. Sergeant, go straight to Vindaloo strength. (To crowd) This is Vindaloo! It will sting your eyes and blister your skin! It will also ensure that next time you use the lavatory you will have to light a match and announce to your roommates, "You might want to give that a few minutes!" Which will be very embarrassing for you!

(The chanting changes to cries of "Ow!" "It burns!" "Hot hot hot!" "I don't like it!" etc.)

Police Chief: Okay, that's enough! Sergeant, douse them with mango chutney and send them home.

(To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on one of the media player icons next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When your media player opens, move the playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.)

The Matchmaker's Apprentice

2009-06-24T11:44:00.008+08:00

(From this week's Instant Noodles -- RTI's weekly take on the lighter news from the Asia Pacific region. Stream it online at english.rti.org.tw)

South Korea: Nearly 400 men between the ages of 26 and 49 have applied to marry a millionairess who advertised for a soulmate. The 49-year-old millionairess doesn't have time to vet them all herself, being a high-powered businesswoman, so she's taken on a matchmaking service to help her whittle down the candidates to the most "serious-minded."

Doctors, lawyers, accountants, soldiers, teachers, bank workers and civil servants are just some of those who have thrown their varied hats in the ring and eight have now been selected for the final round.

We at Instant Noodles were privileged to have a behind the scenes look at the last-- Okay, obviously we weren't but you know the shtick. Join us now for what we imagine to be a cross between The Bachelor and The Apprentice...

(Bouncy intro music. Voiceover: They nauseated you in The Bachelor! Their aggressive smug posturing infuriated you in The Apprentice! Now they face their toughest challenge yet as they prepare to face -- their Matchmaker!)

Scene: a boardroom. The three final contestants sit facing The Matchmaker)

Matchmaker: Thank you for coming, gentlemen. As you know, our mission is to find a suitable husband for our CEO. Are there any questions before we start? Yes.

Candidate 2: Will we get to meet the lady at any point?

Matchmaker: I’m sorry, she’s a very busy woman. Okay, let’s start with you -- number one.

Candidate 1: Yes.

Matchmaker: It says here you’re 23.

Candidate 1: That’s right.

Matchmaker: You know that’s very young for the position

Candidate 1: Don’t be fooled. I’ve achieved more already than most people three times my age. I give 120 percent 150 percent of the time and I don’t know the meaning of the word failure.

Matchmaker: I see. Fan of The Apprentice, I'm guessing?

Candidate 1: Never miss it.

Matchmaker: Right.

Candidate 1: I’ve seen 170 percent of all the episodes.

Matchmaker: Yes… The problem is, you don’t really have any experience at this level. You’ve never been married.

Candidate 1: No, but I did once have a girlfriend who was very high maintenance.

Matchmaker: I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re suitable.

Candidate 1: I think you’re wrong.

Matchmaker: Let me put it like this. You have a 200 percent chance of not getting this job. Go away.

Candidate 1: You’ll regret this! I’ll marry my own 49-year-old and we’ll see who’s laughing then!

Matchmaker: Such horrid people you get on this show. Next, number two -- age 43, that’s a bit more like it. Experience… it says you have been married before.

Candidate 2: Yes, I’m divorced.

Matchmaker: Ah. So why did your first marriage fail?

Candidate 2: Well there wasn’t one single reason…

Matchmaker: But you must have done a performance review…

Candidate 2: Well I would like to think I’ve learned from my mistakes.

Matchmaker: Maybe. But we'd still have to carry out due diligence with your background. Frankly I don’t feel you deserve a second chance with an investment this size. Sorry. Next. Okay, number three, age 49, that’s good. You’ve been married before too I see. Divorced?

Candidate 3: Er no, I’m a widower.

Matchmaker: Hmm. Congratulations, you’re hired!

Candidate 3: Oh. Right. So, what happens now?

Matchmaker: I’ll just buzz you through. (buzz, door opening) Ma’am, we’ve found a husband for you, this is Mr…

Candidate 3: Kim.

Matchmaker: Mr Kim.

Bride: Nice to meet you, dear. Shall we? (Wedding march starts up)

Candidate 3: Oh. Er…

Bride: If we could be quick, I have a board meeting in ten minutes.

(Reading the script is all very well but how about hearing to the real thing as performed by Charlie and Andrew Ryan with silly voices, sound effects and everything! Listen to Instant Noodles by going to english.rti.org.tw then locating Thursday on the left hand side of the page. Click on one of the two media player icons next to Thursday and when your media player appears, move the playback bar to around 25 minutes in. It does work, honest.)

Gambling? That's an Academic Question

2009-06-18T13:22:00.006+08:00

(from this week's Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly take on the stranger news from the Asia Pacific region. Listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Hanoi: Lecturers and officials from Vietnam's Finance Academy have been arrested for allegedly gambling on cards.

People from Vietnam are very fond of gambling (AFP said it, not me) on anything from cards to cock-fighting, even though the practice is outlawed.

Eight staff from the academy -- which trains people to work in the government and private financial sector -- were caught by police playing cards in the academy parking lot with a pot of 30 million dong (US$1,667) in the middle.

The argument that the card game was in fact a demonstration of statistics and applied economics apparently cut no ice.

Here's how Instant Noodles pictured the scene at the faculty meeting of the Vietnam Finance Academy's Institute of Advanced Poker...

Professor Ngo: Okay, gentlemen! Time to ante up with your financial forecasts. Professsor Nguyen, you’re first.

Professor Nguyen: Hmm. GM files for bankruptcy… but the stronger dollar and falling stock markets push oil back under seventy dollars a barrel. Raise you fifty. Professor Tran?

Professor Tran: I’ll see your analysis… and raise you on expectations of increased third quarter export volume ahead of abolishing tariffs with China. Doctor Pham, what about you?

Doctor Pham: I’m in. Tentative signs of recovery suggest a bottoming out of the recession with consumer confidence gradually increasing. What do you say, Professor Ngo?

Ngo: Well I think in line with Marxist-Leninist principles we should take all the chips and redistribute them equally.

(Pause, then everyone bursts out laughing.)

Nguyen: Ah, that’s a good one, Ngo!

Pham: You nearly had me there!

Ngo: Ha ha ha! No, seriously, I’ll call.

Tran: Okay gentlemen, what've you got?

Nguyen: (sighs, showing cards) Just a flush more busted than the subprime mortgage market. Queen high. Tran?

Tran: (showing cards) I’ve got a pair of commodities. Pham?

Pham: (showing cards) Full house, foreign exchange reserves over futures.

Ngo: Not bad, Pham. (showing cards) Except…. for my full set of Emirates… Read ‘em and weep!

Tran: Wow! That’s an Oil Flush!

Nguyen: Ngo, you sly bugger! With a poker face like that you’ll be minister within five years!

(Enter policeman)

Police officer: What’s going on here?

Nguyen: Hello officer. This? It’s just our regular Thursday night study group.

Police officer: Then why do you have a pack of cards?

Nguyen: Oh, they’re a statistical tool to demonstrate probability, that’s all.

Police officer: And why is there a big pile of money in the middle here?

Tran: It’s a stimulus package.

Police officer: I know what you’re up to. You’re gambling! Finance academy professors – you should know better!

Nguyen: Ah officer, didn’t you know? All finance is gambling!

Police officer: Well I’m confiscating these winnings as toxic assets! And you can explain your economic theories to the judge!

Tran: Uh oh – looks like we need a bail-out…

(Listening to Instant Noodles is actually quite easy. You're just not trying hard enough. First go to RTI's English homepage: english.rti.org.tw and see the days of the week helpfully displayed in the top left of the page. Click on one of the two media player icons next to Thursday. When your media player opens, move the playback bar to around 25 minutes in. Er, and that's it. Enjoy!)

Stand Up for the Bureaucrats!

2009-06-11T23:56:00.006+08:00

(From this week's Instant Noodles -- our weekly wrap of the stranger news from the Asia Pacific region. Listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Japan's bureaucrats have been under fire of late, with the opposition accusing them of misspending taxpayers' money. The bureaucrats blasted their critics however with a withering volley of brilliantly timed and pithy put-downs.

Or at least, they should have done. They've been spending the taxpayer's yen on getting lessons in stand-up comedy.

More than one hundred employees at the ministry of transport were recently given lessons from professional comedians, apparently in an attempt to help them communicate with their clients, other staff members and just generally lighten up a bit.

The public may not find this use of their money to be so funny. But on the other hand, they won't be able to complain that the government has no sense of humour.

Officials within the ministry of transport however are reporting an elevated level of performance anxiety during ministry briefings as Instant Noodles discovered... (harp music)

Minister: Next the junior undersecretary for transport, Mr Takaga, will make his report.

(The junior undersecretary enters to a trombone riff.)

Undersecretary: Hi, how you doing? Great to be here. So I just flew in from Osaka – and boy, are my arms tired!

(silence)

Undersecretary: Ha.. bit of an oldie to start, there… So anyone here in the Cabinet? Yes? Kinda cramped in there, isn’t it?

(silence)

Undersecretary: I could have been in the cabinet except for my claustrophobia. (Paper rustling.) Okay, that’s the same gag, sorry. Mind you, I saw the employment minister’s routine last night – talk about some laboured jokes!

(Silence. A slight cough.)

Undersecretary: But seriously, anyone here from Kyoto ? The transport is in great shape there in Kyoto … you've got car shaped, bus shaped… train shaped….ah…

Minister: Mr Undersecretary, are you going anywhere with this?

Undersecretary: Well this is the transport ministry isn’t it? We can go anywhere you like!

(This joke gets a slightly more positive response, which encourages the undersecretary).

Undersecretary: Haha, yes. As long as you’ve got the budget, that is. How about those budget cuts recently, you hear about that? Turns out they’re going to scrap the Bullet Train. Yeah. Too expensive. Next month we’ll all be riding the BB Express instead. Ha.

(Silence. Someone says, "I don’t get it.")

Undersecretary: Okay. Time for the good stuff. So we commissioned a white paper last month. Came back, there was nothing on it!

(Silence)

Undersecretary: 'Cos it was a white... paper…

(cough)

Undersecretary: No? Whew, tough committee.

Heckler: You suck! (laughs)

Undersecretary: Hey, give me a break – it’s hard being up here, you know!

Heckler: Yeah? Try sitting down here!

Undersecretary: Minister, what do you say?

Minister: Mr Undersecretary... you're fired!

Heckler: Hahaha! You're fired! Like that show, The Apprentice!

Minister: Thank you, counselor, that was the joke.

(Listening to Instant Noodles online couldn't be simpler. Okay, actually, it could be a lot simpler. Don't get me started. But if you are determined you may succeed if the stars are correctly aligned. Go to our website english.rti.org.tw and see the days of the week in the top left of the page. Click on one of the media player icons next to Thursday. When media player opens, move the playback bar to around twenty five minutes in.)

Torture is an ugly word... I prefer the term "Celine Dion."

2009-06-03T22:26:00.005+08:00

(from this week's Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly wrap of the odder news from the Asia-Pacific region -- listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Las Vegas: High roller sabotaged by bad feng shui. A Taiwanese man who lost US$2 million in Las Vegas casino is planning to sue the casino for sabotaging his winning streak by undermining his room's feng shui.

The man, Mr Yuan, claims the Venetian hotel/casino dug a one meter square hole in the wall of the presidential suite where he was staying and covered it with a black cloth. They also put out two white towels in front of his suite and turned on two large fans facing his room, flooding it with inauspicious qi.

Yuan claims his luck changed after he discovered these alterations, and he went from being US$400,000 up to being US$2 million in the hole. Yuan said, "We Chinese drape black and white cloths only when there is a death in the family. It is a taboo for regular people, let alone for gamblers," he said. He intends to sue for "feng shui sabotage" if the hotel fails to come up with "a reasonable solution."

Feng shui (風水, wind and water) is the ancient Chinese tradition of geomancy that seeks to channel energy through the arrangement of furniture and ornaments.

From what I've seen of Las Vegas casinos in the movies however, we at Instant Noodles suspect they may not let Mr Yuan off the hook so lightly...

(doorbell)

Yuan: Yes?

Casino manager: Good evening, Mr Yuan. I see you are preparing to check out.

Yuan: You don't say! It's been a terrible weekend.

Casino manager: Better luck next time. Before you go however, there is the unfortunate matter of your account.

Yuan: Ha! Forget it, I’m not paying.

Casino manager: That is unfortunate. May I ask why?

Yuan: Because your hotel has the worst feng shui!

Casino manager: I am sorry to hear it. I am assured our kitchen uses only the finest ingredients.

Yuan: Not the catering! The room! I’m sorry, who are you again?

Casino manager: I represent my associates in the ah… construction industry.

Yuan: Well kindly inform your associates in the construction industry on the right way to build a hotel. Look at this – black cloth on the wall, white towels on the rail... What, did somebody die?

Casino manager: We are hoping that will not be necessary.

Yuan: As soon as I noticed the bad feng shui I started to lose. Whose fault is that?

Casino manager: Sometimes it is wise to stop before your luck runs out.

Yuan: Wrong! It's your fault! That's why I'm not paying the debt.

Casino manager: I'm sorry you feel this way. That is... unfortunate.

Yuan: I agree. Very unfortunate!

Casino manager: Perhaps you would reconsider.

Yuan: No!

Casino manager: Then I'm afraid you leave me no choice, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: Are you threatening me? W-What's that you’re holding?

Casino manager: You force me to give you this complimentary ticket.

Yuan: Ticket for what?

Casino manager: Celine Dion, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: Celine Dion? A-Are you threatening to torture me?

Casino manager: Torture is such an ugly word, Mr Yuan. I prefer the term… Celine Dion.

Yuan: No! You can't intimidate me like this!

Casino manager: Front row seats, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: Do you know who I am? You can't subject me to this kind of...

Casino manager: Her heart will go on and on, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: No! No! Not that! Anything!

Casino manager: And if you still need time to think, we can take you backstage at the tiger show…

Yuan: (frightened squeak)

Casino manager: Let me be blunt, Mr Yuan. Settle your account within an hour or me and my associates will be round to rearrange the feng shui of your face. Are we clear?

Yuan: (squeak) Okay.

(To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.)

Pirates in a Pickle

2009-05-29T12:59:00.008+08:00

(From this week's Instant Noodles -- RTI's weekly wrap of amusing news from the Asia-Pacific region. Listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

South Korea's navy is deploying a new strategic weapon in the ongoing fight against Somalian pirates -- a ton of kimchi.

The Korean national dish of spicy pickled vegetables should boost the morale of the 300 crew aboard the destroyer currently patrolling the waters off the Gulf of Aden. Until now they'd had to make do with locally-sourced kimchi, which just wasn't the same as the real thing from home. I sympathise with them wholeheartedly as I miss pork pies terribly here in Taipei.

The new kimchi shipment should give the Korean seamen garlic-fuelled fighting spirit for a month. The effect on the pirates however remains to be seen...

Pirate Chief: A-haaargh! Looks like we hit the jackpot, boys. Should be a hefty ransom this time.

Pirate 2: Wait a minute, I smell garlic. Does anyone else smell garlic?

(general agreement -- yes I smell garlic, definitely garlic etc.)

Pirate Chief: But there's no garlic in these waters... unless...

(Loud boat horn)

Korean ship (loadhailer): Surrender the ship! We have you surrounded!

Pirate 2: It's the Korean navy!

Pirate Chief: Dammit! Always hijack downwind, what do I keep telling you? Rule number one! We should have smelled them coming...

Korean ship: I take it you are referring to our supplies of kimchi.

Pirate Chief: Oh, is that what that is?

Korean ship: Yes. It's our national delicacy. It's made of pickled vegetables.

Pirate Chief: Well I don't much care for it, I have to say!

Korean ship: We understand it is an acquired taste. Would you like to try some?

Pirate Chief: No thank you! If I want to acquire something I'll use my rocket launcher, right boys?

(general agreement -- Haha rocket launcher yes, that's how we acquire things! etc.)

Korean ship: Well perhaps we might not care for your local food either.

Pirate Chief: No, true, that's a fair point. Well, this has been an interesting cultural exchange. Time to saddle up, boys!

Pirate 2: What? But what about our ransom?

Pirate Chief: No deal. This ship's just carrying a consignment of sauerkraut anyway.

Pirate 2: Urgh!

(general agreement -- uuurgh! Sauerkraut! Yuck! etc.)

Pirate Chief: We're out of here. Bye bye, Korean navy!

Korean ship: Wait! Just try a little bit! You might like it!

Stubbed Out: Hubei's Mandatory Smoking Quota

2009-05-18T12:29:00.005+08:00

(From the files of Instant Noodles, first broadcast May 7, 2009)

Government staff in central China's Hubei province were recently ordered to smoke their way through 230,000 packs of locally-made cigarettes a year or face being fined. The order was intended to boost Hubei's cigarette brands against competition from neighbouring Hunan province. People can't get enough of their red-hot-chili-and-clove-flavoured cigarettes you see.

In classic Chinese "local authorities try to set an example for the whole of the country" fashion, the mandatory smoking quota was intended to set an example for the whole of the country, according to state media.

Government officials had to back down on the plan however after a public backlash. They rescinded the order to smoke four and a half million cigarettes a year but insisted they were only trying to support local industry and tax revenues. In other words, their heart was in the right place even if their lungs weren't.

Before that happened however, we at Instant Noodles were able to obtain this report on life under the compulsory-smoking regime...

Narrator: Lunchtime at the staff canteen. And as the employees line up with their trays, each one receives a bowl of rice, a tofu dish, a portion of vegetables and a pack of cigarettes. The canteen staff issue a reminder to employees to eat their food first and smoke the cigarettes for dessert -- or risk being sick.

Canteen staff: Otherwise they spend the whole afternoon feeling light-headed. But overall the staff are eating less and losing weight - so it's been a very healthy move.

Narrator: As the lunch break ends, the office manager summons the employees back to work -- and back to smoking! Come on you lot! he calls. Get your "butts" back to work!

Manager: I'm very happy about the situation here. We are on course not just to meet our quota but to over-fulfill it. I believe we can become a model smoking unit for the whole country.

Interviewer: How do you achieve that?

Manager: We keep a total of how many cigarettes each person has smoked. Whoever smokes the most is our smoker of the month and wins a prize.

Interviewer: What do they win?

Manager: Cigarettes.

Interviewer (to staff member): Do you worry about being fined if you can't meet your quota?

Staff Member 1: Yes, I worry about it a lot. But the good thing is, the more I worry, the more I smoke. So it's really a win-win situation.

Staff Member 2: I told the boss that I couldn't smoke any more because my throat really hurt. He said I couldn't stop unless I had a note from the work unit doctor. So I went to see him.

Interviewer: And what did he say?

Staff Member 2: He said I should take a course of menthols and prescribed me sixty a day.

Narrator: Reprisals can be harsh for those who fail to toe the line. Here the manager confronts a member of staff who has been caught not smoking. The staff member tries to protest that he has been passive smoking all the while. But it cuts no ice with the manager.

Manager: Passive smoking! How dare you passive smoke! Sitting there and sucking up everyone else's hard work! I'll teach you not to not smoke! You're a disgrace!

Narrator: On the whole however, the manager believes the compulsory smoking rules have made the office a happier workplace.

Manager: It's given us a whole new approach to our work. We've become more flexible in our thinking. I'll give you an example. Due to the building code we can't actually smoke in the office itself. So people were spending more than half the day outside on the mandatory smoking breaks. So instead of having a working day with smoking breaks, it was more like a smoking day with work breaks. Ha ha ha! How ridiculous!

Interviewer: So what did you do?

Manager: In the end, we moved everyone's desks and cubicles outside! So now everyone gets to enjoy the sunshine while they work – and of course, the fresh air!

(sounds of hacking coughs)

Manager: You see! Even their coughs are more productive!

(Listen to this week's Instant Noodles online at english.rti.org.tw -- if you are clever enough to work out our notoriously user-unfriendly interface. A new episode every week.)

Spring cleaning. With extreme prejudice

2009-05-16T00:11:00.004+08:00

(Taken from this week's Occidental Tourist, first broadcast Saturday 16th May, 2009)

Last week I was complaining about having a cold despite the improvement in the Taipei weather. For that, this week I have been rewarded with tonsillitis. Self-diagnosed, I might add -- I concluded that an inability to swallow without pain coupled with two swollen lumps either side of my windpipe could surely be nothing else. My body has subsequently been so smug about this diagnosis that it is highly reluctant for me to recover quickly. You called this one, it seems to say, bask in the glow of being right! I'd rather be right than healthy, apparently. It's a failing of mine, one which no amount of sickly cough syrup or hot Lemsip can cure.

So aside from the regular radio shifts, I've kept myself mostly cooped up at home this week, nourished by a large batch of chicken and sweetcorn soup that Trish cooked up earlier in the week and of which there still remains several gallons. It occurred to me that this might be a good time for a spot of spring cleaning. Winter has cluttered my room and by extension, my mind. And life in general.

Clutter is pernicious as it instills a sense of apathy and helplessness. An excellent self-defense mechanism, as clutter makes itself the very thing that stops you rousing yourself to get rid of all the clutter. It takes a very vigorous effort then to effect a change. I managed it last year, when I girded my loins and in the words of my former housemate Mary Helen "tore my room a new one." That is to say, I tidied my room. With extreme prejudice.

The despair of clutter is not knowing where to start. To remove clutter from one item of furniture means putting it somewhere else, most often of necessity on another piece of furniture. This then amounts to random clutter displacement. Clutter has been transferred but the balance of clutter remains unaffected. So you get tough, with what my mother always referred to as the "Big Black Bag" approach. As in, "If you don’t tidy your room, I'm going to come with a Big Black Bag and throw everything out." As an adult, I sometimes wonder if life would have been better if she had ever followed through with that threat. I would have kicked up a fuss, sure. But what if I had learned in the process that "stuff" is not important. That actually, losing some stuff might actually de-clutter your life and cause you to refocus on the things that really matter? Would that not have been a superb lesson to learn before the age of ten? One even worth losing your Optimus Prime over?

Well, maybe not Optimus. Starscream, perhaps.

A human life builds clutter whenever it stays in one place for any amount of time. The worst clutter is stuff that "might come in useful." (It won't.) Or things that have a sentimental value even when you know they shouldn’t have. Three years ago, I went to Taipei Flower market one weekend and saw an artist drawing pictures of people. I admired in particular the caricatures he had drawn of various political figures and local celebrities. I asked if he would draw one me one – with myself as the subject. Actually, I didn't know the Chinese word for caricature and still don't. So instead I asked if he would draw me with "exaggerated features." I was proud of knowing the Chinese word for "exaggerated" and believed I had got my meaning across. "So I should draw you with a big nose?" he said. "Yes," I said, "a big nose. Exaggerated features." And he went and drew me with a big nose. Normal in every other regard but with a big nose.

I still have that picture. Why? I didn’t want to hang it up, didn’t even really want to ever look at it again. But I didn’t want to throw it out, having paid money for it. So it's still there, in a plastic tub under my bed, rolled up. Along with the biography of an Indian yogi left to me by Mary Helen. "I think you'd enjoy this as you're a spiritual person," she said, mistaking me for a spiritual person. That's still there as I know she'll ask me one day about it and I am at least spiritual enough to know that lying is bad, especially if you're as bad a liar as I am.

But I digress. And that's the problem with my cleaning generally. I digress. I find an item that interests me and my purpose – feeble enough to begin with – evaporates completely. There are any number of things that can cause me to lay down my duster – actually not a duster, as I tend to use an abandoned pair of boxer shorts disinfected with lemon pledge, it works just as well.

Cleaning is best done in a trance I feel, an altered state where you don’t realize how bored you are. The British sport of cricket puts me in such a state, just one of the reasons I love it. And it's no coincidence that last year's bout of spring-cleaning frenzy coincided with online BBC broadcasts of England's test series against New Zealand. For six hours a day, from around 8am to mid-afternoon, the perfect backdrop to let the Big Black Bag do its work.

Speaking of cricket, I like to see myself as a cricket evangelist of sorts. My methods are much the same as the religious kind. If I know someone to be an admirer of baseball, I will start my discussing the similarities between the two sports – the fact of hitting a ball with a stick and running, for example. Then we might progress to the mutual appreciation of statistics enshrined in both games. Eventually I stand convicted that the individual will ultimately conclude cricket to be much the subtler and more varied of the two sports and be converted. It hasn't happened yet. But I've been sowing seeds, like the parable says.

Last week I had a great chance to actually play a game of cricket with some of my housemates and other friends. A chance to bring the game of cricket to the heathens of the US and Canada. We took my little cricket set to the local park and tried to find a suitable space. You need a nice flat area where the ball can bounce without massive deviation and a reasonable amount of space to hit the ball into. We found such an area and set about putting the stumps in the ground.

Almost immediately we were attracting some attention for this outlandish spectacle – that looked like baseball but was not. "What is going on here!" demanded one middle-aged gent. We thought we might be in trouble but we weren't – he was just, you know, asking. Later on a silver-haired old gentleman approached us with a very dignified humility. "Excuse me," he said, "may I know the name of this game?" I explained it, gave it its Chinese name as well, which translates as something like "flat board ball" and told him the countries in which it was popular: Australia, India, South Africa… "Ah! The territories of the British Empire!" he pronounced, very quickly divining the colonial origins of the sport. They can be sharp, the older people here, make no mistake.

He then asked us if we were religious. You see? A cricket evangelist, like I said. The game has that effect on people...

Save the Land Shark!

2009-05-01T12:16:00.005+08:00

(Extract from this week's Instant Noodles. Hear it now online at english.rti.org.tw until May 6th.)

Victoria, Australia: Police in the town on Warrnambool are puzzled at the discovery of a Port Jackson shark deposited on the doorstep of a local newspaper in the middle of the night, though they have said they will charge the culprit with animal cruelty.

Staff at the newspaper are equally baffled, as they don't know of anyone with a vendetta against them or what kind of message was intended by leaving the 70cm shark outside their offices. Presumably no one on the paper's staff is currently sleeping with the fishes.

Constable Jarrod Dwyer came to the shark's assistance, first pouring water on it to see if it was still alive. He then borrowed a bucket from a nearby McDonald's, filled it with water and took the shark back to the sea.

We at Instant Noodles thought the race to save the little shark was a novel twist on a classic story. A story involving a local chief of police, a marine biologist and a salty old fisherman...

Chief Brody: Guys, if we don't rescue this shark, the animal rights people will be all over it. And then it's goodbye to our summer tourism.

Quint: I'll save the shark for you, chief. But it won't be easy. This shark, he's a krill eater mostly. But he can still give you a nasty nip. And I value my fingers more than three thousand bucks, chief.

Hooper: Brody, we should use my remote-activated grabber. We can scoop him up without even touching him.

Quint: Ah, you want to save your city hands with your fine expensive equipment, don't you, Mr Hooper?

Brody: Quint, be nice or you'll end up getting eaten like last time.

Quint: Don't tell me my job, chief! A McDonalds bucket's all I need. Water in the bucket. Shark goes in the bucket. Our shark.

(Ominous music)

Brody: There he is! On the sidewalk!

Hooper: He's got to be twenty inches long.

Quint: Twenty five. Three pounds of him.

Brody: You're gonna need a bigger bucket...

Quint: Hooper! Hook me up another bucket now!

Brody: You're gonna need a bigger bucket, right?

Quint: He's got under the bucket... he's either awfully smart or awfully dumb, he's got under the bucket!

Brody: Guys, we're running out of time!

Hooper: Do you have any better ideas?

Brody: He's getting away!

Quint: He can't get away -- not with three buckets!

Brody: You're certifiable, Quint!

Hooper: How about we lead him toward the harbour instead of him leading us into the printing room?

Quint: (sings) Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies....

Brody: Right, we've lost Quint. Hooper, any ideas?

Hooper: Well, we could do what we usually do -- stick an oxygen tank in its mouth and hope for the best?

Brody: Okay!

(explosion)

Brody, Hooper: Oops.

Opera Singer Is All Mouth and No Trousers

2009-04-18T15:14:00.006+08:00

(Extract from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online now at english.rti.org.tw until April 23rd)

South Korea: British opera singer Bryn Terfel had to borrow a pair of trousers from a member of the audience last week after absent-mindedly turning up for a concert wearing shorts.

Terfel left his hotel in Seoul wearing shorts as it was a nice day but forgot he was still wearing them when he headed for the performance. Thankfully the 6ft 4 ins tall Terfel managed to find a audience member who loved opera enough to drop his trousers in order for the show to go on. "There was one person there who happened to be the same height as me," said Terfel, "and if there was ever a pair of trousers that fit like a glove -- that's the one."

Trousers that fit like a glove? We at Instant Noodles think Terfel may just be confused about trousers generally.

But this curious case also made us wonder: is it always necessary to wear trousers to perform opera? Some roles might be more convincing without them -- notorious womaniser Don Giovanni, for instance. Or the main role in the little-known comic opera by Verdi, Il Pantalone. In case you're unfamiliar with this mysteriously overlooked gem from the Italian maestro, here's a clip for you now...

Narrator: In Act Two of Il Pantalone, the incorrigible Don Flagrante is attempting to seduce his beautiful maidservant Gigoletta in his study. Suddenly however he hears the shrill voice of his wife Shrewilla outside...

Shrewilla: My husband! Where are you?

Gigoletta: It is your wife!

Don Flagrante: Oh no! My wife without the door -- and I without my trousers! She must not behold my divested lower half.

Gigoletta: Quickly! Stand behind this table!

Don Flagrante: Of course! If I stand behind the table she will not see that I wear no trousers.

Shrewilla: There you are!

Don Flagrante: My dearest! But who are all these men?

Shrewilla: The men are here to take away the table.

Don Flagrante: This table?

Shrewilla: Yes. We are getting a new one. Do you not remember?

Don Flagrante: This... is not a good time.

Shrewilla: Why ever not?

Gigoletta: Madam! Your husband... requires a short time alone with the table. To say goodbye!

Shrewilla: Nonsense. Remove the table at once!

Don Flagrante: I have changed my mind! The table stays!

Shrewilla: But you hate this table! You always said so!

Don Flagrante: And may a man not change? And may deep love not grow? This I hold, and this my heart doth know, that- (needle scratch)

Shrewilla: WHERE ARE YOUR TROUSERS?

Don Flagrante: Ah. It seems that while I was singing that last part you have walked round behind me.

Shrewilla: Tell me this instant!

Gigoletta: Madam! There is an explanation-

Shrewilla: Quiet, you! Where are they?

Don Flagrante: Why do you weary me with these questions? My trousers are neither here nor there!

Shrewilla: Yes. So I see.

Kawaii! Japanese ambassadors spread "cute power"

2009-03-22T15:09:00.010+08:00

(Extract from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online now at http://english.rti.org.tw until March 25th.)

Japan has recently appointed three young women as cultural ambassadors in a bid to extend the country's "cute power" overseas. According to Reuters, the first of the new ambassadors dresses as a cute schoolgirl, the second as a Victorian doll with voluminous frilly skirts, and the third wears a bunny-print polka-dot shirt "offset by bouffant back-combed hair."

The three are all inspired by distinctive characters from Japan's anime cartoon movies and manga comic books. Fellow manga regular the Multi-Tentacled Rape Monster reportedly confessed himself "disappointed" not to have made the shortlist.

With this welcome development, we may now look forward to the time when all of Japan's international affairs may be carried out by its adorable cultural icons...

(Scene: UN Security Council briefing room)

UN Chair Ban Ki-moon: The United Nations Commission on Nuclear Proliferation now recognizes the Ambassador of Japan, Mr Pika Chu.

Pikachu: Pikachu.

Translator: Thank you.

Pikachu: Pika pi. Pika pika. Chu.

Translator: As you are aware, the unchecked spread of nuclear technology…

Pikachu: Pika chu. Pika pika.

Translator: …is a grave concern in these times of heightened security alert.

Pikachu: Pika pika pika. Chuuu. Pika pi. Pika chu.

Translator: We have recently greeted with dismay the news that our old adversary Team Rocket…

Pikachu: Piiiiiikaaaa. Pika chuuu!

Translator: …has been collaborating with two other blacklisted organizations...

Pikachu: Pika… chuu!

Translator: ...Team Warhead and Team Intercontinental.

Pikachu: Pikapiii! Pika pika chu! Pika chu chu chu! Pi…

Translator: This presents a threat not only to regional security but to the entire world.

Pikachu: Pi pi pi pi pi pi pi...

Translator: We reiterate our ongoing commitment to the framework…

Pikachu: Pikaaa! Pika piii. Pika. pika pika chu. Pika chu, chu chu.

Translator: …of multilateral talks to resolve the issue through dialogue…

Pikachu: Pika pika pika chu...

Translator: …but must insist that harsher sanctions be not precluded from this process…

Pikachu: Pika pika pika pi.

Translator: …if certain elements continue in their belief that…

Pikachu: Pikachu! Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…

Translator: …they may flaunt with impunity their disregard for the will of the international community.

Pikachu: Pika pika. Pika pika pikachu!

Translator: Also, me, Charmander and Sonic the Hedgehog are going for ice cream later if anyone is interested.

Kimono Dragons -- The Rise of the Ladyboy Lizards (from this week's Instant Noodles - online now!)

2009-03-12T15:01:00.007+08:00

(Extract from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online now at http://english.rti.org.tw until March 18).

According to new research by Australian and South African scientists, young male lizards in South Africa imitate females so that older aggressive males will leave them alone. Younger male Augrabies flat lizards (pictured) will delay displaying the extravagant coloration of sexually-mature males until they are able to defend themselves adequately.

In a masterstroke of evolutionary craftiness, this behaviour not only ensures the transvestite male avoids beatings from the alpha lizards but also gives him access to previously off-limits females. "These shemales are making the best of a bad situation," as one Australian professor put it.

But there is a drawback. Dominant males are able to detect transvestite male hormones with their sensitive tongues. Ladyboy lizards must thus be nimble enough to avoid being defrocked by a wandering tongue - a nasty surprise for all involved, no doubt.

Now, inspired by this story and classic cross-dressing comedy Some Like It Hot, Instant Noodles now presents: Some Like It Cold (Blooded).

(In Kruger National Park, young male lizard Nate is chatting up female lizards Zena and Meera.)

Nate: ...and I hear it again! He's repeating everything I say! So in the end I turn round and say, ‘Excuse me. Is there a gecko in here?'

Zena: Hahaha! Nate, you are so funny!

Meera: Funny and cute.

Nate: Well, I try. So are you ladies busy at all, say Friday?

Zena: Sorry, Nate. I’ve a date with Craig on Friday.

Nate: Ah, Craig. The Alpha lizard. How about Saturday?

Zena: Oh I couldn’t! Craig would be jealous. He has such a temper.

Nate: Fine, whatever! Meera, Saturday?

Meera: Um, Craig’s with me on Saturday.

Nate: What? Zena, you know about this?

Zena: Yes, but he’s the alpha lizard…

Nate: What, so he gets to double up but no-one else does. Yeah, that’s fair.

Meera: But he’s the alpha lizard.

Nate: He’s a greedy lizard, that’s what he is.

Zena: Craig said he’s the alpha lizard and we should be grateful.

Nate: Alpha lizard my – Look, let me tell you about Craig. He gets everything he wants because he’s slightly bigger. That’s all. Slightly bigger. He has no personality because he doesn’t need one. He’s no abilities, but who cares? He’s slightly bigger! He’s a slightly bigger stupid tedious bully! And don’t get me started on his looks! He is so ugly that – you’ve gone quiet…

Craig: Oi!

Nate: He’s behind me, isn’t he?

Meera: Yes.

Nate: Yup.

Craig: What are you creeping around for, shorty?

Nate: Hi Craig, I was saying what a great sense of humour you have.

Craig: I know. I heard.

Nate: My. You really are… slightly bigger, aren’t you?

Craig: Slightly.

Nate: No wonder you’re the alpha lizard.

Craig: And don’t forget it.

Nate: Well, I’ll be off then.

Craig: Yes you will. And if I ever catch you dragging your belly round here again, you’re dead. Come on, girls. (they go off.)

Nate: Foiled again! There’s got to be a way to gain access to these females without provoking Craig…Maybe… with a little dressing up… a touch of make-up… and Nate becomes Natalie!

(Some time later)

Nate (in high-pitched voice): And so he says to her, ‘I don’t know what you want from me, Iguana!’ and she says, ‘Iguana be left alone!’

Zena and Meera: Hahaha!

Meera: Oh Natalie, you’re so funny!

Nate: Well, what a lovely shopping trip that was, we three ladies.

Zena: Yes, I love your new kimono!

Nate: I’ll wear it tonight -- at our sleepover!

Meera: Oh yes!

Zena: I can’t wait!

Nate: We can talk about our fantasy lizards.

Meera: Ooh, fun!

Nate: Mine has a stegosaurus head, a velociraptor’s legs! And Godzilla’s… tail!

Zena: Hahahaha!

Meera: You are so funny!

Zena: Yeah! You’re like the girl version of this guy we know, Nate…

Nate: Nate, you say? Is he cute?

Meera: Kinda.

Nate: Cuter than Craig?

Zena: Yes.

Nate: Cuter and funnier…and he’s nicer than Craig too, right?

Meera: Oh definitely!

Nate: Well then, you must introduce me to this Nate!

Zena: Funny, Nate suddenly seems more attractive now you’ve said that.

Nate: Yes! Yes! We want to mate with Nate!

Zena: Hahaha! That’s so funny!

Meera: That’s totally what Nate would say!

Nate: Well, ladies, wait to mate with Nate no more! Ta-da! (removes dress to gasps from lady lizards.)

Zena: Nate! It’s you!

Nate: None other!

Meera: But you’re wearing women’s clothes!

Nate: So?

Zena: You’re a shemale!

Meera: A cross-dresser!

Nate: I prefer the term Kimono dragon myself. Haha! Ha?

Zena: Whatever.

Meera: Well, this is… disappointing.

Zena: Yes, we were sick of Craig and his chauvinism and you seemed like a nice guy.

Nate: I am a nice guy!

Meera: But you’re not interested in girl lizards, are you?

Nate: No! You’re wrong! I am interested! In fact, that’s the whole reason I’m doing this!

Zena: What? You were dressing up in women’s clothes to get close to us?

Nate: Yes! Isn’t that funny?

Meera: No! It’s abhorrent!

Zena: Urgh! You saw me trying on underwear and everything!

Nate: Hey, I said it looked great, didn't I?

Meera: Pervert!

Zena: Come on, Meera, let’s go.

Nate: Can I call you later?

Zena and Meera: No!

Zena: Wait til Craig hears about this…(exit)

Nate: (sighs) Women! Talk about cold-blooded! How could this get any worse?

Craig: ‘Ello, gorgeous! Haven’t seen you round here before…

To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.

New Anthem for Southeast Asia (to the tune of Y.M.C.A)

2009-03-09T01:04:00.004+08:00

A musical number taken from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online now at english.rti.org.tw (until Thursday).

Charlie: The European Union uses as their anthem the stirring Ode to Joy from Beethoven's magnificent Ninth Symphony. Not to be outdone, the Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN) has decided to come up with their own theme tune of unity and brotherly love.

Andrew: I'm guessing it wasn't written by Beethoven though.

Charlie: No, it was a bit late to commission him for this job. The new feem toon was in fact written by two Thai composers and is called 'The ASEAN Way'. It was given its official debut at the regional trading bloc's annual summit at the Thai beach resort of Hua Hin. The hymn reaches its climax with the words, 'We dare to dream, we care to share. Together for ASEAN.'

Andrew: I think I've heard this! 'WE DARE TO DREAM! WE CARE TO SHARE!'

Charlie: I don't know how catchy it is to be honest, from your rendition. But I do know they had a kind of contest to select it, kind of like Eurovision.

Andrew: Was it as camp as Eurovision?

Charlie: It was held on a beach in Thailand, what do you think? I think it was very camp indeed. In fact, if I were commissioned to write the theme tune for the Association of Southeast Asian Nations, I think it would go something like this...

(Opening bars of Village People -- Y.M.C.A)

Young man -

The world economy's down!

I said, young man -

But you can wipe off the frown!

Because, young man -

There's a new bloc in town,

It's a sunny happy region!

Young man -

Give Southeast Asia a go!

I said, young man -

When your exports are slow!

You can come here,

From Bangkok to Bali,

Where the love and trade are free!

It's fun to trade with the A.S.E.A.N.!

Come on and trade with the A.S.E.A.N.!

They have everything for every trading young boy -

It's a stimulus you'll enjoy!

Come on and trade with the A.S.E.A.N.!

It's fun to trade with the A.S.E.A.N.!

Wipe your deficits clean!

Pull your tariffs right down!

And let's spread all the wealth around!

A.S.E.A.N.! (etc. to fade)

To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.

Poop Poop! It's Mr Toad's New Motor-Carp!

2009-02-17T00:06:00.011+08:00

Taken from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online from Thursday at english.rti.org.tw

A toad rides on the head of a koi carp in this picture from a pond in southeastern Taiwan's Taitung County taken a couple of weeks ago. As the toad is (so I'm told) displaying mating behaviour, I originally tried to pitch this item on our RTI Chatroom program as an interracial love story. But that was before the full facts were known. Actually, it seems the fish resisted the toad's advances but was unable to shake him off. Furthermore, the toad had stuck his front legs in the fish's eyes. Four days and three nights after first being observed in this unnatural posture, the fish tragically succumbed to exhaustion and hunger.

Therefore, do not look on this picture and say, ahhh, how cute. This toad is guilty of nothing less than inter-species rape and murder! Terrifyingly, he is also (to the best of our knowledge) still at large!

In the middle ages, such an unnatural event would certainly be regarded as an omen. Perhaps I may venture an interpretation of this portent. The fish represents the economy, hijacked and asphyxiated by the toad of reckless banking practice. Moreover, three nights signifies three more quarters of dwindling export volume.

On the other hand, if it's joyous stories about happy-go-lucky toads you're after, join us now for an Instant Noodles Wind In The Willows special.

(Down on the river, Mr Mole and Mr Rat are enjoying a fine day out.)

Mole: Oh Ratty, I do so enjoy our days on the river.

Rat: As do I, Mole. What could be finer than messing about in a boat!

Mole: I suppose you've heard about Mr Toad?

Rat: Oh no. What has he done now?

Mole: The word is, last week Mr Toad went up to town and ordered a very large and expensive motor car.

Rat: That incorrigible fellow! No good will come of it, mark my words!

(Music: Beach Boys -- I Get Around as Toad approaches riding on a fish.)

Mole: I say, Ratty! What on earth is that?

Toad: Poop poop! Forwards! Aha! Oops!

Rat: Why, it's Mr Toad!

Mole: He's coming up awfully fast…

Toad: Poop poop! Wahey!

Rat: Hold on tight, Moley!

Toad: Woah! Easy!

Rat: Toad! What are you playing at?

Toad: Ratty! Moley! Ha ha!

Rat: You nearly capsized us, you ass! Are you alright, Moley?

Mole: I'm alright…

Toad: He's alright! Poop poop!

Mole: What is that?

Toad: My new transport! Why, the only way to travel!

Rat: It looks like a fish.

Toad: It is a fish!

Mole: But we heard you were getting a motor-car?

Toad: You heard wrong. This is my new motor-carp!

Rat: Motor-carp? There's no such thing.

Toad: Course there is! You're looking at one.

Mole: But that's a Koi!

Toad: A Koy-ota! It's Japanese, you know.

Mole: Ratty, it doesn't look happy…

Rat: Toad, why is your carp-

Toad: Motor-carp!

Rat: Why is your motor-carp thrashing around so?

Toad: Oh! Well, I haven't quite got the hang of the clutch yet… But this is the life, fellows! The open pond!

Ratty: Stop this foolishness! Let that poor fish go at once.

Toad: Shan't.

Ratty: Let it go, I say!

Toad: Shan't shan't shan't shan't shan't! I won’t do it, I tell you! You can't make me! Away, Koy-ota! Poop poop!

Mole: Oh, that conceited ass!

Rat: This will end in tears, mark my words!

(Some time later. Mole and Ratty return to the scene. We hear the sound of sobbing.)

Mole: I say Ratty, who's that over there by the bank?

Rat: It's Toad! I say, Toad!

Toad: Oh Ratty! Oh Moley! (sobs)

Mole: Toad! What happened to your motor-carp?

Toad: Gone! My poor Koy-ota. Gone!

Rat: Gone… you mean, dead?

Toad: Yes…. (sobs)

Mole: But what happened?

Toad: She tried to shake me off. But I held on. For three days!

Rat: Fish get hungry, Toad. You have to feed them!

Toad: I know that! So I went and filled her up.

Rat: Filled her up? With what?

Toad: With premium.

Mole: Premium what? Toad?

Toad: Premium unleaded!

Rat: Oh Toad, you perfect ass! Fish can't live on petrol!

Toad: I know that now! But it's too late! Oh, my Koy-ota! Howl!

Mole: They'll put you in jail for this, Toad.

Toad: (sadly) Poop poop.

Rat: Silly ass.

To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on a media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. Move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.

Cow-e-oke Classics

2009-01-26T15:05:00.003+08:00

Taken from this week's Instant Noodles New Year of the Ox Special -- hear it online now at english.rti.org.tw

Cow-e-oke Classics for the Chinese New Year of the Ox - the Top Ten!

10. Theme From Rawhide - Blues Brothers

9. Cattle & Hum - U2

8. This Time I Know It's For Veal - Donna Summer

7. Heffer Fallen In Love - The Fine Young Herbivores

6. Bovine Romance - Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers

5. The Final Hoedown - Europe

4. Steers in Heaven - Eric Clapton

3. Oxanne - The Police

2. Steak On Me - A-Ha

1. Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Cow - Starship

And if this world runs out of lovers, we'll still have our udders... to hear our version of the Starship classic, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on a media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. Move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.

Grabbed by the Goondas, Prakash lets loose his bull

2009-01-25T13:33:00.013+08:00

Taken from this week's Instant Noodles Year of the Ox Special -- hear it online now at english.rti.org.tw

This story comes to us from India, a land where the cow is held in great veneration. But it seems one mobster from Kerala has been using them for far less noble purposes. When a team of police finally caught up with an elusive criminal named Prakash, he unleashed his fighting bull on them.

Prakash is known locally as Vettukuttan, referring to his physical prowess and hobby of rearing bulls and poisonous snakes. He was wanted in several criminal cases under the Goondas Act, goondas meaning hoodlum, as in ‘goon’.

He’d been giving police the slip for some time but a four man team finally managed to catch up with him, Prakash first attacked them with a big metal bell used for adorning elephants. And as they fought back he released his fighting bull, which he had trained for jallikattu. Jallikattu in the Tamil Nadu area is a tradition of bull taming – the matadors square off against an agitated bull and have to bring it under control empty handed.

It seems however that the policemen were pretty good at jallikattu themselves as they first tamed the bull using ropes and then successfully arrested Prakash.

We're not sure why he didn't try unleashing his snakes on them at this point. Perhaps he's saving them for the trial...

Here's how Instant Noodles imagined the arrest.

Policeman 1: The game's up, Prakash! We’ve tamed your bull and there’s nowhere to run!

Policeman 2: He can't get away, sir. We've got him by the Goondas this time.

Policeman 1: Give up, Prakash! You know we've got you by the Goondas!

Prakash: Haha, not quite yet, methinks! Release the snakes!

Policeman 2: Sarge, he's released his snakes!

Policeman 1: Oh. Well, it's lucky we brought our mongoose then, isn’t it?

Policeman 2: Release the mongoose!

Prakash: Blast! Their mongoose has gone and eaten all my snakes. What else have I got? Ah yes! Release the… flamingoes?

Policeman 2: Sir, he's released his flamingoes.

Policeman 1: Okay. Not long now then.

Prakash: What are you waiting for? Attack! Don't just stand there looking pink! Get them! No! Stop flying away, you cowards! Come back here! Nooo!... Gah! All right, I'll come quietly.

Akira Hino - Portrait of an Underwear Angler

2009-01-06T00:37:00.005+08:00

Taken from this week's Instant Noodles -- listen to the full piece online from this Thursday Jan. 8th at english.rti.org.tw)

Two years ago on Instant Noodles we brought you the strange tale of the notorious Taipei Bra Bandit. We're back on similar ground this week with the story of Akira Hino, a 51-year-old man from Tokyo. But whereas the Bra Bandit would raid the launderettes of Taipei County to feed his panty fetish, Akira Hino prefers to do it all from home -- using a rod and line to snare his neighbours' underwear from the comfort of his balcony.

When police finally caught up with him in September last year they found more than five hundred items of women's underwear in his home. A goodly haul, but no doubt only a small portion of the bounty he had amassed from the time he started snatching smalls at the age of 18.

Prior to his arrest, Instant Noodles was privileged to obtain this exclusive interview...

Narrator: Akira Hino -- Portrait of an Underwear Angler.

Akira: Now that’s a girdle there, notice the fastenings around the waist? I managed to hook that one through the eye of the fastener. And over here we have a corsage, you don’t really see these so more, but one time they were all the rage.

Interviewer: And you caught all these yourself?

Akira: Actually, some of them were my father’s specimens. He was the one who first taught me. In fact, that’s how he met my mother. He was hauling in a pair of knickers he’d caught and lo and behold! She was still in them. Ha ha!

Interviewer: Quite a catch, then!

Akira: Quite a catch indeed! Now, over here – I don’t know if you’ll have ever seen one of these before, except in certain rather exotic publications…

Narrator: I am standing in Mr Akira’s trophy room. His catches from over thirty years of underwear angling look down from the four walls. Negligees, camisoles and petticoats have been lovingly mounted and hung up with garter belts, or jockstraps for the larger items.

Akira: I don’t display too many bras, you’ll notice.

Interviewer: No, I see that, why is that?

Akira: Well, it’s mostly small fry you get around here, A and B cups – I tend to throw those back. But I did once catch an E cup – very rare for these waters.

Narrator: Akira bemoans the fact that his underwear catches seem to be getting smaller of late.

Akira: I mean these days it’s all thongs and g-strings, I don’t understand it. Why do people wear such skimpy underwear?

Interviewer: You prefer to hunt the larger game underwear then?

Akira: Oh yes. In fact I used to hunt whalebone corsets with a harpoon. That’s been outlawed now though of course.

Interviewer: I was going to say, you don’t see too many women wearing whalebone corsets these days.

Akira: No, they’re an endangered kind. Hunted to near extinction!

Narrator: I was then shown the jewel in the crown of Mr Akira’s collection.

Interviewer: Now that is quite remarkable. Those are bloomers?

Akira: Bloomers, yes, a six pound pair. The largest I ever caught on reel and line.

Interviewer: A marvelous specimen.

Akira: Took me forty minutes to reel ‘em in. They weren’t coming off easily, I can tell you.

Interviewer: You must be very proud.

Akira: Oh, I am. Mind, you should have seen the one that got away. A beautiful five foot petticoat, salmon pink.

Interviewer: It got away though?

Akira: Yeah. Gave me the slip.

(knock at the door)

Narrator: Just then, we are interrupted by a knock at the door. It’s the police.

Policeman: Akira Hino?

Akira: Yes?

Policeman: We’ve had some more complaints from your neighbors about their underwear going missing.

Akira: Ah yes, I have it all in this bag here, officer. Don’t worry, it’s all washed and clean.

Policeman: It was washed and clean already, Mr Akira, that’s the problem. Your neighbors just want to be able to hang out their laundry in peace.

Akira: What? I have to make a living, don’t I?

Narrator: I ask the police if they are able to be more accepting of Akira’s eccentricity.

Interviewer: Officer, Mr Akira claims to have a license for his underwear angling.

Policeman: Let me ask you one question, sir. Did you ever hear of a license to fish for underwear?

Interviewer: Well… I must say I haven’t, but-

Policeman: That’s because there isn’t one. They don’t exist.

Interviewer: Then how has Mr Akira been able-

Policeman: Frankly, we’ve turned a blind eye to Mr Akira’s “angling” as much as possible. The fact is, he’s been rather overfishing his quota lately.

Interviewer: Wait. So there’s no underwear fishing license but there is such a thing as a quota?

Policeman: Right, that’s enough questions from you, sunshine.

Narrator: There’s no doubt that Akira is one of the last of a dying breed of urban underwear anglers. Though he believes there may be other avenues to explore and is now fishing for a new angle.

Akira: There’s a whole world of things to fish for. Stamps. I could fish for stamps. Or religious pamphlets. Something like that.

Interviewer: Would it be the same?

Akira: No, it wouldn’t have the same thrill, but… I guess there’s not much room for an old time knicker-fisher like me in this day and age.

Narrator: Akira Hino. A man who wears his heart on his sleeve… and his underwear on his wall.

Ode to the Credit Crunch Cat (in the Hat)

2008-11-20T20:44:00.011+08:00

From the files of Instant Noodles.... (stream this week's show online at english.rti.org.tw).

The world may be facing financial meltdown but one loss-making Japanese railway company is back on track thanks to the popularity of a stray cat. Wearing a black cap and posing for photos with passengers, Tama is credited with boosting Wakayama Electric Railway's revenue by 10% and contributing US$10.5 million to the local economy in the last year alone.

The firm had to axe all staff at Kishi station in western Japan two years ago. But Tama stuck by her post and was rewarded with promotion to station manager. The pet mascot even has her own office, a former ticket booth.

"She never complains, even though passengers touch her all over the place. She is an amazing cat. She has patience and charisma. She is the perfect station master," said Yoshiko Yamaki, a spokeswoman for the rail company. The nine-year-old has also spawned a range of popular merchandise, including a picture book called: "Diary of Tama, the Station Master."

Tama would appear to be living proof of the Japanese belief that cats bring good luck -- she's a real-life Maneki Neko. At the start of this year Tama was also promoted to "super station master" and is now said to be the only female in the company in a managerial position.

So now here's a little poem in praise of Tama - The Credit Crunch Cat.

The mood at the railway
Was one of dismay.
They’d been in the red
For a year and a day.
With markets a-tumbling
And banks going bust,
Global recession was soon on its way.
In the boardroom the chairman,
A disconsolate figure,
Said, 'Our takings are down
While our costs have got bigger!
Our financial targets
Have not gone as planned.
From now on our stations
Must all be unmanned!'

Just then the door opened
But no one came in.
Then three of those present
Felt a rub on their shin.
They pushed back their chairs
From the place where they sat
And down at their feet
Was a tortoiseshell cat.

The board fell to murmurs,
Suspecting a joke,
But were stunned into silence
When at once the cat spoke.

'Gentlemen!' said the cat,
'I’ve been listening outside.
And I’ve thought of an option
You haven’t yet tried.
If the station’s unmanned,
It could lead to disaster.
But perhaps there is room
For a small station master?
I’ll sit in the entrance
And I’ll be your greeter.
Just give me a hat
And a box with some litter.'

'What?' said the chairman.
Has it come to that?
We hand over our station
To a cat in a hat?'
He turned to the treasurer,
Who tapped out a sum
And first raised his eyebrow
And then raised his thumb.

So it was the next morning,
In the old station yard,
That a sleek-suited feline
Trotted in, punched her card,
Unlocked the turnstile,
Got her cap nice and straight,
Drew the blind in her booth
And sat down to wait.

The day’s first commuters
Were simply aghast
To see a raised paw
Wave to them as they passed.
'I near dropped my sudoku!'
Said a chap on his way.
'I could almost have sworn
She said, Have a nice day!'
The morning wore on and the cat waved away
To every rail patron of each kind and ilk.
And after the rush-hour crowd had passed
She treated herself to a saucer of milk.

Not long after that,
News spread everywhere
That the new station master
Was covered with hair!
And they flocked from all over,
From country and city,
To trek up the line
And say Hello Kitty.

The board were delighted
And flush with good cheer
When they met up once more
At the end of the year.

'Stock prices and profits
Are all up on last quarter.
And we owe it all
To our new pussy porter!
She sweeps up the platform,
She catches the mice,
She’s got her own line
Of cat merchandise!
So now here’s a toast
To our credit crunch cat!'
The board, to a man,
Replied, 'Amen to that!'

The treasurer spoke.
'We feel the onus
To reward her good work
With a big fat cat bonus.'
The motion was carried.
Then the chairman said, 'Yet
I have something to tell you,'
(With a hint of regret).
'This cat – she’s not right
For the station, you know.
The shareholders and I
Have agreed she must go.'

All round the table
Recoiled in shock.
Fire the cat
Who had saved them from hock?
No, this was an outrage.
This wouldn’t fly!
Then the chairman went on,
With a glint in his eye.
'No, not right for the station
And gentleman, so
May I present you
Our new CEO!'

And at that the cat
Swiveled round in her chair
Like a Bond movie villain
(Except with more hair).
She stretched out her paws
On a gold cushion splayed
And took in the room,
Queen of all she surveyed.
She winked at the chairman,
Straightened her cap
With a push of her paw,
And settled down for a nap.

The Analects of Bal

2008-11-17T23:34:00.007+08:00

(as collected by his friends, the Prophets of Bal.)

In the academic year 2004/5, conscious that there walked among us a mind of considerable power and subtlety, I took care to write down as many as I could of the observations of our dear friend Ismael. My aim was that these great thoughts, combining depth of insight with tremendous felicity of expression, should not be lost to posterity. Then I lost them.

Recently unearthed again, I offer them to you now as an ongoing project to preserve and pass on his timeless wisdom. A more detailed discourse on the Bal's philosophy of Life and Bitches can be found in the works of Oliver Scanlan, notably Women -- They're As Evil As Skeletor I Tell You (Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 2004) and The Bat Effect: An Exposition (Durham: Hatfield Literary Review, 2005).

These fragmentary remarks are divided into three sections. The first group is made up of oft-repeated mantras well-known to the Bal's close followers. The second group represents insights specific to time and place. The third list is apocryphal, comprising sentiments the Bal is not known to have uttered at any point. These last should thus be considered non-canonical.

Part 1: The General Sayings

Whaaaaaaaaat?
Fuuuuuuuuck!
And at (insert activity here), I was the best.
Shit, man! How am I supposed to (insert activity here)?
Hey you guys, what time do we have class?
What? We have class now? Right now? Shit!
Shut up, bitch!
Shut up, stupid bitch!
They are all bitches.
Fook oof!
Shit, man, she is fit!
What what what what what?
How do you say (eg. transsubstantiate, cryogenic, circumnavigate etc.) in English?

Part 2: The Contextual Sayings

In England, I am as sexy as a donkey.
Have you ever held a brain in your hand?
How do you say in English, 'I want to supervise the rape of your daughters?'
Look at that ass! I tell you man, those trousers don't lie!
My roommate, he is all the time wonking (sic).
I have two questions...
(in the third or fourth final year dissertation workshop) What's a dissertation?
(Observing female pedestrians on the drive home) I would fuck with her... I would fuck with her... with her... I would not fuck with her... I would- hey that one, I think I did fuck with her!

Part 3: The Non-Sayings

I have no opinion on this matter.
I am sure she has a nice personality.

If you can recall other notable sayings of the Bal, you are highly encouraged to add them below. This will increase the body of knowledge available for future scholarship.

Woman in Japan calls police 7,000 times in a month

2008-11-11T13:50:00.006+08:00

From the files of Instant Noodles.... (stream this week's show online from Thursday at english.rti.org.tw).

Police in Japan have arrested a woman for making more than 7,000 nuisance calls in the course of one month, according to AFP. The 38-year-old from western Osaka made 7,177 calls during the day or night between September 14 and October 13 this year, sometimes shouting "drop dead," said a police spokesman. That works out at around 240 calls per day, let's say fifteen an hour allowing for eight hours' sleep.

The woman first called in 2005 to say she had been hit by a man, but the officer who answered her call "did not take the allegation seriously, because what she said was hard to understand."

We at Instant Noodles sympathise with both positions. I myself have seethed with rage at the heartless indifference of authority when they treat you like a rambling nutter who won't shut up. And conversely I have also worked in a call center and had to find the inner poise to deal with all those rambling nutters who won't shut up.

(phone rings)

Officer: Osaka police.

Man: Oh hello, my name is Sato. I’d like to report a break-in at my home.

Officer: What’s your address, sir?

Man: Flat 4, 29 Arata Street.

Officer: Very good, sir. We’ll have a dispatch rider with you in ten minutes.

Man: Thank you, officer. Thank you.

Officer: No problem at all, sir.

Man: One thing - can you tell me what colour the dispatch rider’s helmet will be?

Officer: The what?

Man: The helmet. The dispatch rider’s helmet.

Officer: Yes.

Man: What colour will it be?

Officer: I - I’m not sure.

Man: Well, could you find out, please?

Officer: That’s not important, is it?

Man: What’s that?

Officer: I said, it’s not important!

Man: (pause) Well, not to you, clearly! (hangs up)

Officer: Sir? Sir? Huh. (phone rings) Osaka police.

Man: Hello, I would like to report that I was speaking to an officer just now and I didn’t think he was very helpful.

Officer: Yes, I know. That was me.

Man: Oh. Right. (hangs up.)

(phone rings)

Officer: Osaka police.

Man: Hello, yes, I was speaking to an officer just now and I didn’t think he was very helpful.

Officer: Mr Sato?

Man: That’s right, how did you know?

Officer: Because I just spoke to you! I’m the only officer on the calls this evening.

Man: Oh. Right. (hangs up)

(phone rings)

Officer: Osaka police.

Man: Hello, I was speaking to an officer-

Officer: Mr Sato!

Man: Oh, hello! It’s you again!

Officer: Yes! I just told you! I’m the one answering the phone.

Man: Yes, I know, you just told me.

Officer: So why did you think it would be someone else?

Man: Well, I thought, third time lucky, you know.

Officer: So what do you want to do? Do you want to make a complaint?

Man: Well not to you, I don’t! I don’t think you’d take it seriously.

Officer: Mr Sato, please will you just wait there for our dispatch rider.

Man: Oh yes, I’ll stay here. I think I’ll have something to eat.

Officer: That’s a good idea.

Man: Think I’ll order a pizza.

Officer: Yes, you do that.

Man: Yes. Bye bye.

Officer: Bye bye. (hangs up)

(phone rings) Osaka police.

Man: Hello, yes. I’d like a large meat feast with a-

Officer: Mr Sato!

Man: Yes.

Officer: This is the police! We don’t do pizza!

Man: Oh. Right. (hangs up)

(phone rings)

Officer: Osaka police.

Man: Yes, could I have my meat feast with-

Officer: We don’t do pizza!

Man: No, but you’re sending a dispatch rider.

Officer: Yes.

Man: So he could bring it with him.

Officer: WE DON’T DO PIZZA!

Man: No, but he could stop and get one! You weren’t even going to listen to my idea.

Officer: We’re not a delivery service, Mr Sato.

Man: Well, I think you should consider it. You could be the polizza. It would save time and- (doorbell) Oh, that’s the door. I’ll call you back. (hangs up)

Officer: Thank goodness, the dispatch officer’s there. Now I’ll have some peace at last. (phone rings) Osaka police.

Man: Mr Sato here. Now, about this break-in.

Officer: Don’t tell me! Tell the officer we sent round to you!

Man: I can’t. I sent him away.

Officer: What? Why?

Man: Well, he didn’t have my pizza, did he?

Officer: I told you, we are not a delivery service!

Man: No! Indeed you are not! And frankly, sir, with that attitude, YOU NEVER WILL BE! (hangs up)

(phone rings)

Officer: Osaka police. (pause) Hello?

Man: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to shout.

Officer: Mr Sato…

Man: No, no, it’s my fault. I’ve been under a lot of pressure. The break-in…

Officer: I understand.

Man: The whole pizza thing…

Officer: It’s not a problem.

Man: And you guys are human too, I know that. It shouldn’t always be about me.

Officer: Don’t worry about it.

Man: Sooooo…. basically I’m just calling for a chat. How are things with you?

The Great Mugabo

2008-04-19T19:57:00.012+08:00

According to a BBC report, despite having kept a low profile since elections three weeks ago, Zimbabwe's President Robert Mugabe was on bullish form on Thursday as he attended a children's birthday party in Harare.

Charlogy Online can now reveal the exclusive story behind Mr Mugabe's party appearance.

It appears that three weeks prior to the party each child who had been invited and RSVP'd, together with many thousands of other children some of whom have not yet been born or even conceived were issued with a form to choose whom they would like as the entertainer. They were to tick a box for one of the following:

a) Zimbo the Clown

b) Mashona the Magician

c) President Robert Mugabe

After the resulting votes were scrupulously counted and rechecked the people's choice was respectfully upheld and Mr Mugabe duly arrived on the due date at 3pm.

"Greetings children!" he bellowed to the assembled kids. "I am the Great Mugabo!"

"I wanted the clown," the boy whose eighth birthday it was whispered to his friend, unfortunately just loud enough to be overheard.

"CLOWN?" roared Mr Mugabe. "You wish to hand your party over to that sinister bunch of white-faced mockers? Never!" He then nodded to a group of 15-year-old war veterans with baseball bats who promptly escorted the birthday boy outside, hopefully just for a game of rounders.

The Great Mugabo then turned back to his audience. "Is anyone else here in league with the vile forces of clownialism?"

No one was.

"Do you know any magic tricks?" piped up a youngster after a slightly awkward pause.

"Do I know any magic tricks?" Mr Mugabe scoffed. "You kids don't know you're born. Okay, watch carefully. You see this ballot box...?"

Later on, The Great Mugabo would slice the birthday cake with a Chinese machete he'd ordered especially for the occasion.

Quaker's Honey Graham Oh's -- the Self-Hating Cereal

2008-04-01T17:03:00.020+08:00

As I found out this week, Quaker's Honey Graham Oh's (Good Things In The Middle! TM) are high in fibre, low in fat and low in self-esteem.

If you've never tried them, Quaker's Honey Graham Oh's are a breakfast cereal in the classic hoop shape but with additional little bits of wheat cracker, rice and honey filling the hole in the middle. Nothing wrong with that at all, of course. I bought a box this week and was quite enjoying them. Until, that is, I discovered that Quaker's Honey Graham Oh's despise themselves for ever being hoop-shaped in the first place.

I was alerted to this by the blurb on the back of the box, which had the usual dull stuff about the cereal's multi-grain composition and how many types of Vitamin B etc it contained. But then, unprompted, it went on to say, So why eat a cereal with nothing in the middle when there's so many good things in the middle of Honey Graham Oh's?

Well, why indeed? I mean, what kind of moron would do that? You'd only be singling yourself out as the type of doofus who pays NT$135 (US$4.50) for a 340g box of a cereal for which a key component is nutrient-free air! You idiot! Why would you do that? Why? You think you can get your RDA of riboflavin out of thin air, you cretin? Well let me tell you -- you can't!

Now this rather aggressive pushing of Quaker's Honey Graham Oh's's main selling point would be easier to accept were it not that Quaker's Honey Graham Oh's quite clearly evolved from the hoop form themselves and thus might be expected to treat their origins with greater respect. But yet instead of ice-cold milk, it is unbridled scorn that they pour on their humble progenitor.

We could dismiss this as analagous to the posturing of high school kids trying to get into the cool set by slagging off the gang they used to hang around with. "Hole in the middle? That's just stupid. Glad I stopped hanging with that bunch of losers!"

But I fear it may be worse, more deep-seated. An inferiority complex leading to a rejection of one's basic identity. In other words, a Self-Hating Cereal.

Oh, I don't doubt that Quaker's Honey Graham Oh's view themselves as the victim in all of this. I picture Quaker's Honey Graham Oh's appearing on Oprah to declare tearfully, "I felt so inadequate, like something was missing. I realized there was a hole in my life. And I needed to fill that hole."

If that is the case then, Quaker's Honey Graham Oh's, you have my pity. But not my respect. Nor my continued custom. For how can such a cereal fill me up when it betrays such a gaping void in its own being? When it possesses every kind of fibre except moral? Herein lies the paradox -- it is only when you embrace your hole that you will be made complete. Once you accept your inner hole, you will realize that what sticks to others merely whistles through your hollow middle.

It is baffling. How can Quaker's Honey Graham Oh's turn their back on a community containing some of the most charismatic cereals the world has ever known? I call on Froot Loops, Wheetos, Lucky Charms -- let all the O-shaped cereals rise as one and condemn this ap-O-stasy.

I ask you -- would Cheerios ever show such disdain for their rich and crunchy heritage? I think not!

In my not at all humble opinion... film sequels

2008-01-14T02:55:00.000+08:00

The following is recent correspondence between myself and Mr Simon Dillon on that hoary old chestnut of film sequels. All I can say is, I gave it my best shot...

Charles says:
It has been well-documented, Mr. Dillon, that in your not at all humble opinion (hereafter abbreviated to NAAHO), there exist only two sequels to be better than the original film. I need not name them, for if there are any cannot do so upon the slightest prompting, they are no true friend of yours. But in your selection of the canonical Two you have held to the precept that the first movie must be a classic in its own right.

And here, in my NAAHO, we must differ. For if we discuss the merits of any sequel relative to its progenitor, we should not apply an external set of measures to say if it is a good film or not, that is besides the point. The only yardstick we may apply is the original itself, be it good, bad, or straight-to-video awful. Is the sequel better than the original? That is our sole point of interest here.

I therefore submit for your consideration the Top Ten Sequels to be Better than the Original with No Preconditions Regarding the Quality of the First Film in my NAAHO. Following your usual protocol, this list is in no particular order of merit. I should also add that it is by no means exhaustive. In fact it's the first ten I could think of. And if it seems to bear any resemblance to a list of films I saw on video at some point in the early nineties, that is of little or no significance. I await your response.

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)
Bogus Journey is better than Excellent Adventure because the jokes are funnier: "They're from medieval England ." "Ted!" "Er, Medieval England ... Iowa ." The Grim Reaper gets first 'Melvin'-ed then beaten at his less favoured board games: "A hit! You have sunk my battleship! Best four out of seven!" It's a joyful romp throughout ending with Wyld Stallyns fulfilling their promise to become the greatest rock band in the universe. Not. Joss Ackland freely admitted he only did it for the money. I think it's one of his best films.

Simon says: Sorry, but I prefer the original (Genghis Khan cleaning a toilet is just too funny). The sequel is funny though.

Young Guns II: Blaze of Glory (1990)
Much darker than the first, with the attractive youthful bunch of brat pack outlaws from the first ending up getting gunned down one by one. Er, that's about all I can remember about it. Still, altogether now: GOOOIN' DAAAAOOOOOWN INA BLAYEEEZA GLOOHOOOERAAAAY!

Simon says: Don’t remember it well enough to pass judgement.

Short Circuit 2 (1988)
The original about a military killer robot who gets struck by lightning and turns into a somewhat camp input-fixated naif looking for a home was rather twee, albeit in a feelgood way. The second is as well. But it thankfully ditches Steve Guttenburg from the first movie and sends Johnny Five into the big bad city to help out struggling Indian-American scientist Ben (Fisher Stevens from the first instalment). On the way his friendly trusting nature is abused by the leader of a group of bank robbers. Basically whatever qualities the original has, the second has it more: it's funnier, more touching, well-written, has some great moments of tension and even true pathos. And it has Michael McKean from Spinal Tap. Awesome.

Simon says: A truly dire sequel to a not exactly wonderful original, although I do like some of that Indian bloke’s one liners (“I cannot hear what I am forgetting!”)

Scary Movie 3 & 4 (2003/5)
This franchise improved immeasurably once it was take out of the hands of the woeful Wayans brothers and given to the godfather of spoof David Zucker. Thus instead of endless gags about bongs (only funny when you are high yourself I suspect - and even then I'm only guessing), Leslie Nielsen and Charlie Sheen were recruited to give the series the injection of befuddled wisdom and head-banging pratfalls it so desperately needed. The first two installments had me ranting passionately at the screen. "Making reference to other films is not an end in itself!" I shouted. "You have to do something with it to make it funny, you morons!" Under new management, Number 4 on the other hand (which spoofs War of the Worlds among others) provided moments of genuine satire. When Leslie Nielsen is informed of the alien attack he is sitting in a primary school classroom a la George W. listening to the kids read him The Ugly Duckling.

Aide: Mr. President, the country is being attacked by aliens.
President: That can wait, I have to find out what happens to this duck.
Aide: Mr. President, if we don't go now many more people may die.
President: Then there's nothing we can do for them. But this duck still has a fighting chance.

Genius. Now that's the quality you get when you have the right hand at the helm!

Simon says: Scary Movie 3 and 4 I must confess I have not seen, although that George W scene sounds brilliant.

Rocky II (1979)
Better structured. We don't have to wait til two-thirds of the way through to know old Rocky's going to get his big chance against Apollo. Right from the start with the two hospitalized fighters bleating "There ain't gonna be no rematch!" we're looking forward to the rematch. And am I wrong in thinking this was the first Rocky movie to feature the by-now obligatory montage? Rocky IV broke new ground by being the first movie to be almost entirely composed of montages. That didn't make it good, though.

Simon says: No, sorry. The whole point of Rocky was that he went the fifteen rounds but lost, and every one of the sequels ignored that.

Day of The Dead (1985)
My favourite of Romero's Dead quadrilogy (and also his own), much tighter than the overlong Dawn and the first with genuinely frightening make-up and lifelike(?) movement from the zombies. With an underground bunker populated by psychotic military types and mad scientists, I think it's the one which best shows the main threat to survival in the post-apocalyptic world comes not from the hordes of the undead but from the infighting of the survivors. In fact the zombies only get their chance because one of the characters loses it and decides to let them all in. Okay, and I also like it because it's the goriest. "Choke on 'em! Choke on 'eeeeeeeeeeeeemm!"

Simon says: No, I like the original best (and is quadrilogy even a proper word? Surely it should be quartet?)

28 Weeks Later (2006)
More zombies. The strength of this film is in its breathtaking intensity, firstly in a heart-stopping opening and then never lifting off the throttle from the time Robert Carlyle attempts an ill-advised reconciliation with his infected wife. No one does losers and psychos better than Carlyle and here he gets to do both, the latter in the best scenery-chewing tradition. The astonishing shots of a deserted London are augmented by scenes of the capital getting blitzed as the US army loses control. Unlike the first film, it also ends bleakly as a good zombie film should.

Simon says: As good as the original, but not better.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" End of argument.

Simon says: Here I actually agree with you. Star Trek: The Motion Picture went for 2001 style grandeur but was dubbed by critics as “the slow motion picture” and I agree. It was a failure, albeit a gloriously epic failure with superb effects and an outstanding music score. Khan on the other hand, is nigh on classic – a superb screenplay with wit, excitement and pathos to spare. Great performances from Leonard Nimoy and even William Shatner (except for the ludicrous but unforgettable “KHAN!!!!!” moment).

Okay, in the end I couldn't even think of ten. Anyone else have any others?

Beer in Taiwan? Jolly Good

2007-10-12T21:05:00.001+08:00

You know, a lot of people say to me, “Charlie.” I say, “Hello!” They say, “Charlie, you’re from Britain.” I say, “How can you tell?” They say, “No, but would you just listen for a minute?” I say, "Okay, sorry.” They say, “Charlie, you’re from Britain. But you live in Taiwan. Is there anything that you miss?”

And upon reflection, in the end I have concluded two things -- two particular items that I do miss from not living in my native land. One is the hard-pastry-encased cholesterol bomb which in my country goes by the name of the pork pie.

And the other? Well, in honesty, it’s the beer. Now I know my countrymen are often accused of only liking beer which is warm and flat -- and it’s a half truth. What we British truly appreciate in our beer is variety. We like rich oaky ales, we like creamy bitters, we like burnt chocolatey stouts. And we like lagers as well – why not?

But unfortunately for us Brits, in Taiwan variety is a little thin on the ground. It’s hard to find beers which don’t fall into the category of yellow and fizzy. The country’s home brew is Taiwan beer, whose best quality is that it’s inexpensive. Then there are the Japanese brands, Asahi and Kirin. The Americans have a presence with Budweiser, Miller and Busch. Singapore chips in with its Tiger beer. And then generic European brands like Heineken and Carlsberg are also widely available. All of them are drinkable. But – and feel free to disagree with me – none of them are special. They’re all pretty similar. And overpriced.

Now I admittedly am no great lover of lagers, but I would wager that a true lager lover would be disappointed to find that a bar’s beer list consisted only of half a dozen of the beers I have just mentioned. So what am I saying? Is Taiwan beer purgatory? Well, not necessarily. Like any wily ex-pat, I’ve found that you just have to know where to look. A pub close to my home is run by an Englishman from my home town. He serves an excellent pint of Abbot Ale – and even better, also shows cricket by satellite.

Moreover I was delighted to discover recently a fairly new bar in Taipei called Jolly. A microbrewery no less, which makes about half a dozen of its own in-house beers, from a pale ale to a wheat beer to a stout. And I was keen to sample all of them.

Charlie: Okay, we’re going to go light to dark. I’m going to start off with Jolly’s very own Pilsner beer, which it describes as having ‘a full and attractive aroma’ – smells clean, certainly – it says ‘its taste is… evident! When you drink it it has a smooth feel with no bitterness.’ Let’s have a go. Trish wants to try it as well. What did you think, Trish? Was its flavour ‘evident?’
Trish: It’s very bitter.
Charlie: No, it says here it’s not bitter.
Trish: Very bitter.
Charlie: Well, I think you’re wrong.
Trish: I don’t think so!
Charlie: Well, that’s what it says here. Okay, well now moving on to the next lightest in the range, which is the Weizen – the wheat beer. And this is described as having a ‘slightly sour, slightly sweet taste. It’s greatly loved by the ladies’ (apparently) ‘and appreciated by those who do not usually drink beer.’ Well since it’s said that, I’m going to pass this over to our lady companions who don’t usually drink beer and get their opinions. Have a taste of that and see what you think.
(Trish pulls a yuck face which you can’t really convey on radio. Nadiyah?)
Nadiyah: No, it definitely made me pull a face (as well). It’s not as smooth as I usually like beer to be.
Charlie: So it seems the Weizen doesn’t get the thumbs up from the ladies after all, well never mind.

My Taiwanese friend Posan lived for a time in Britain – in Newcastle upon Tyne, a city well known for its enjoyment of potent potables. The area is home to some of the country’s best-known breweries – Newcastle, Federation, and the late-lamented Vaux among them. So a voyage of discovery for any young man.

Charlie: So Posan, you quite like your beer, don’t you?
Posan: My bear?
Charlie: No, not your bear, beer!
Posan: Beer.
Charlie: You like to drink beer. I believe.
Posan: Yeah, I like beer. Yep. I like all kinds of beer. I like to try the beer from everywhere.

Charlie: Now of course you studied in the United Kingdom, in my home country and in fact you studied in Newcastle… did you know beforehand that that’s an area well known for its beers?
Posan: Yes, Newcastle Brown I know. You told me it’s like the ticket to the space, yes? Journey into space!

Ah yes, Newcastle Brown Ale, the great export of the Northeast of England. Known locally by its nickname, Journey Into Space – which if you’ve ever tried Newcastle Brown Ale, should be self-explanatory. In truth, I find it’s more like a journey into space on the Apollo 13. It’s not too long into the mission before you’re saying, “Houston, we have a problem.”

Now, while I was bemoaning the preponderance of lagers in the Taiwan market, there’s actually a historical reason for that, as Posan explained.

Posan: Taiwan was the colony of Japan, so we got all the technology from Japan. And Japanese beer is very close to the beer from Germany. They adopted the brewing skills from the German guys.
Charlie: So that would be similar to how it was in China with the Qingdao brewery – the Chinese got their brewing from the Germans as well.
Posan: Yes, the Germans occupied Qingdao before.

So while we can at least thank the Germans that we have beer here at all, it's interesting that in the modern battle for beer in the East it's actually the Belgians mounting the largest offensive. Who'd have thought? Whether fortuitously or by a good marketing campaign, I am not sure, but Belgian beer has found a profitable niche in Taipei in recent years. I can count at least four or five cafes to my knowledge which specialize purely in beers from Belgium. In one I’ve been working through the menu for some time – and I’m only just starting to make inroads. My favorites are the Trappist beers. They’re made by monks for whom brewing beer goes hand in hand with their spiritual vocation. Or maybe it is their spiritual vocation. Either way, their devotion is felt, with each transcendent drop a truly uplifting experience. Chimay Red is simply chocolate in a glass. Back to the beer tasting now. But things were getting a little fuzzy at this point.

Charlie: My powers of description seem to, er, be on the wane the more I drink.. well, near the end of our beer testing. Scotch ale. Hmm. Strong. Quite nice. Smells like… never mind. Finally the stout – chocolate, caramel, sweet flavour. Slightly bitter taste of… roast malt but perflectly balanced. I like stouts. Yes. Nice. Can taste… sweet, bitter at the same time! Delicious! Yes!

So, in conclusion, Taipei too can be a haven for the beer enthusiast. Unpromising on the surface perhaps, but dig a little deeper and it willingly yields up a feast of treasures from the global brewing industry. I’m now off for a pint of Abbot and to watch England lose to India in the cricket. So until next time, I’m a nicely mellow Charlie Storrar, the Occidental Tourist.

The Occidental Tourist originally broadcast on RTI on Sunday 12th August 2007. Hear more programs at english.rti.org.tw

Indian Man Has Sights On Century of Fatherhood

2007-10-04T14:51:00.001+08:00

From the files of Instant Noodles...

Charlie: An elderly Indian farmer has just fathered his 21st child at the age of 90. Nanu Ram Jogi is his name, and he lives in the western Indian state of Rajasthan with 109 members of his extended family. But the nonagenarian says he’s not done yet – he reckons he can keep on going up to 100.

Andrew: Keep on having kids, you mean?

Charlie: Yes, Jogi reckons there’s still fuel in the tank for more.

Andrew: Well what about his wife?

Charlie: Perhaps understandably, his wife Saburi is not so keen. She’s actually Nanu’s fourth wife and this week delivered him their thirteenth child together, a girl, at the age of 50.

Andrew: Wow – sounds to me like she’s the real trooper in this story.

Charlie: Indeed. And I bet the menopause can’t come quickly enough. Jogi attributes his vitality to “the miracle of camel milk.” Have you ever tried getting milk out of a camel?

Andrew: Be a miracle if you could!

Charlie: And also a largely meat-based diet, somewhat surprisingly - lamb, rabbit and chicken if I recall correctly. He fathered his first child in 1943 and now has altogether nine daughters and twelve sons.

Andrew: Enough for a cricket team then.

Charlie: Exactly. (harp music)

Nanu: Saburi, I have been doing some thinking. And I think it is about time we had another child.

Saburi: Oh Nanu, no, I’m exhausted!

Nanu: But we can’t stop now! I might only have another ten years left!

Saburi: Look, Nanu, when we got married you said you wanted me to give you a cricket team. And I have.

Nanu: Well, now I want a second eleven.

Saburi: What!

Nanu: We need squad cover in case of injuries. And for practice matches.

Saburi: Oh this is ridiculous.

Nanu: And! You still haven’t given me the slow left armer I asked for.

Saburi: See, now I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

Nanu: And that is precisely the problem! You don’t understand that I need to field a balanced bowling attack!

Saburi: And for another thing, even if we had another one, we’ve run out of names. We’ve used them all!

Nanu: What about Sachin?

Saburi: Got one.

Nanu: Er, Sourav.

Saburi: Yep, got him too.

Nanu: Rah-

Saburi: Rahul, Laxman, Virender – that’s the Indian national team. We used those first!

Nanu: Okay, what else is there?

Saburi: Well, we already have Ajay, Sanjay, Vijay-

Nanu: Bijay!

Saburi: I had him last summer. Your new wicket keeper, remember?

Nanu: Er, Tijay!

Saburi: Well, it doesn’t-

Nanu: We don’t have a Tijay, do we? We’ll call him Tijay!

Saburi: It doesn’t matter because I already said I’m not having any more. Nanu, do you ever even think about what I want?

Nanu: Okay, darling, what is it that you want?

Saburi: Well… I’ve always wanted to have my own hockey team.

Nanu: Okay, well how about this – you give me a slow left armer and we can try for a hockey team. Deal?

Saburi: Okay. Deal.

Nanu: Great! Well, we need to get started then – it’s only nine months til the new season!

Originally broadcast on Instant Noodles for RTI on September 6th, 2007. Listen to this week's show online at http://english.rti.org.tw/ - Listen - Thursday (15 mins in)

The Mating Habits of Wizards

2007-09-25T20:43:00.000+08:00

Now that the Harry Potter series is all done and dusted and we finally know who dies and who gets together with who, it's time to address the question: How is it that wizards are so conservative in their mating habits?

See, if we accept the proposition that magic is generally used by people who wish to impose their sexual desires on other people (and we will, because it's my blog and I say so) then these guys have the power to do whatever with whomever they want. But do they? No! What do they do? They marry the first person they ever dated seriously, that's what! Usually from their year at Hogwarts and almost certainly from their own house since they never seem to mix with anyone else.

Furthermore, with no university equivalent of Hogwarts there's no accepted period of sowing wild wizard oats. Rather you're expected to be married by eighteen with a baby on the way by twenty. Interestingly, even the evil ones are paragons of monogamy. No one has affairs or gets divorced. If you happen to be brought up by someone other than your two parents it can only be because your parents were murdered or (in Neville's case) tortured into insanity. As far as I can see there are no single parent wizarding families. There is not even the suggestion of pre-marital sex. Hard to see how the books have got certain Christian groups so worked up if you ask me.

Clearly wizards and witches imprint upon each other from an early age and as irrevocably as the robot kid from A.I. How else to explain the case of Snape, who spends his whole life pining for Harry's mother even after it's apparent that, like Mormons, she'll still be married to his rival even after death? A clear hiding-to-nothing there and Snape surely would have done much better turning his considerable abilities to getting over it. Think about it, if he'd really wanted to he could have knocked up a get-over-it potion in five minutes and there you go, free to live a full and rewarding life as Hogwarts master/Dark Lord's First Lieutenant, take your pick. But no, instead he devotes himself to the memory of his doomed love by spending seven years bullying her son. What a loser. Snape is not a hero, he is an arse. Arse, I say!

Something that is not explained in the series is how children with magical abilities are sometimes born to non-magical parents (muggles). I don't know if any research has been done on the matter but my theory is this - that wizarding DNA spontaneously manifests itself in non-magical bloodlines because it knows how irritatingly insular the species is. Since the kids at Hogwarts can't even be bothered to talk to the kids at the next table, it knows that if wizards are left to their own devices, they'll all become horribly, horribly inbred.

This applies especially to Lord Voldemort. You thought his freaky complexion and slits for eyes were the physiological manifestation of his descent into evil? No, it's because his parents were brother and sister and that's why he looks like the kid from Deliverance. Forget the Elder Wand, he should have duelled Harry Potter with a banjo.

This for me is the essential reason why Harry ultimately defeats Voldemort. Judged by his actions, Voldemort, far from being a brilliant wizard, is actually rather thick. He's just slightly cleverer than the retarded pure-bloods he surrounds himself with. So defeating him is essentially no different - or harder - than getting one over on Draco Malfoy.

Here endeth the rant. On a more positive note, I'd just like to end by saying that I added the 'Sorting Hat' application on facebook and it put me in Ravenclaw. I knew it - I've always known. "Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure." Plus I could impress Cho Chang with my Cantonese.

Broken Arm Spirit

2007-09-14T01:25:00.001+08:00

From the files of Instant Noodles...

Charlie: And now in Japan, after a break of a few weeks, it’s the return of Japanese Robot News! And it’s fitting that I say break, because that is in fact what this latest robot has been doing – breaking people’s arms!

Andrew: Good heavens!

Charlie: Well, it's not actually a robot. It’s an arcade machine called Arm Spirit. An arm wrestling simulator game found in Japanese amusement arcades. So what happens is, the human player pits his strength against the machine’s plastic arm. Only now 150 of them across the country are being withdrawn after three people broke their arms playing it.

Andrew: That sounds terrible. So the machine doesn’t know its own strength?

Charlie: No, because the machine’s strength is precisely regulated – it has ten difficulty levels, ranging from French maid to Chihuahua dog-

Andrew: Ooh, stand back!

Charlie: Yes, French maids not really renowned for their arm wrestling prowess, I guess.

Andrew: No, when I last ran into a French maid she didn’t challenge me.

Charlie: Yeah, you wish! Anyway, so the French maid is at the, er, lower end of the machine’s scale while the most difficult level is professional wrestler. But at the same time, the company that makes the machine says it’s not that strong. They said the machine is much weaker than a "muscle man." In fact, they reckon a woman should be able to beat it!

Andrew: What does that mean? Are they saying women are weak?

Charlie: It’s a little sexist, isn’t it?

Andrew: A tad. So the people who got their arms broken, the company is saying it’s their own fault for being too girly?

Charlie: Well, they didn’t come out and go that far. But what they said was, maybe the players got over excited and twisted their arms in an unnatural way. And that was what caused the breaking. Of the arms.

Andrew: So it’s the players’ fault, not the machine’s.

Charlie: That’s pretty much what they’re implying, isn’t it? Well, we decided to find out, so we dispatched an Instant Noodles reporter to discover more...

Reporter: I’m here looking at one of the controversial Arm Spirit arcade machines which has been accused of breaking players’ arms. And with me is Shinzo Sakiyama, the machine’s designer.

Mr Sakiyama: Hello.

Reporter: Mr Sakiyama, you say the fault for these unfortunate incidents lies with the players, is that correct?

Mr Sakiyama: Absolutely. Arm Spirit is not strong enough for this, to break someone’s arm-

Arm Spirit: Yes I did. They were unworthy opponents.

Reporter: Mr Sakiyama, did you know your Arm Spirit machine can talk?

Mr Sakiyama: Er... he hasn’t done that before.

Arm Spirit: My humble apologies, master. You see, I, Arm Spirit, became possessed by the kami – or spirit – of Akateko. The red hand that dangles from the tree.

Mr Sakiyama: Oh. Okay.

Arm Spirit: It was only then that I, Arm Spirit, saw how shameful was my state. How could it be that I, Arm Spirit, should wrestle like a French maid? It was Akateko who showed me the way of the warrior.

Reporter: Mr Sakiyama, were you aware of this?

Mr Sakiyama: Erm... ah…

Reporter: So, er, Arm Spirit, why did you start breaking arms then? Was it for fun?

Arm Spirit: Never! I, Arm Spirit, follow the way of the warrior! Where my adversary was worthy, we shared the sacred bond of bushido. But where my opponent was unworthy and knew not the way of the warrior, only then, did I, Arm Spirit-

Reporter: You broke their arms.

Arm Spirit: I did, yes.

Reporter: Well, you’re clearly quite mad, so I’m very glad you’re being taken away.

Arm Spirit: This cannot be so! I challenge you to an arm wrestle!

Reporter: Yeah, that’s not going to happen. So, Mr Sakiyama, any comments?

Mr Sakiyama: Well, obviously, it’s very regrettable that Arm Spirit would become possessed by kami. We guarantee this will not happen with our next machine.

Reporter: What’s that then?

Mr Sakiyama: The Samurai Sword Spirit.

Reporter: Great, well we look forward to that. Back to you in the studio.

Originally broadcast on Instant Noodles for RTI on August 30th, 2007. Listen to this week's show online at http://english.rti.org.tw/ - Listen - Thursday (15 mins in)

Malaysia Ends 30-Year False Teeth Career

2007-09-07T14:18:00.001+08:00

From the Instant Noodles files...

Charlie: Finally in Malaysia today for this story - Malaysia ends 30-year false teeth career. Now actually, it wasn’t the teeth that were false – it was the career! Police recently arrested a Malaysian man who has practiced as a dentist for 29 years despite having no medical training.

Andrew: Well, practice makes perfect I guess!

Charlie: The 63 year-old man used to treat his patients in a cast-off examining chair from the 1940s. What knowledge of dentistry the man had came from when he was assistant to an army dentist in the 1960s and 70s. He would carry the real dentist’s bags when he visited plantation workers.

Andrew: Wow. What would it be like as an army dentist?

Charlie: I think it would be something like: "Get ready for extraction! We’re pulling out! Look out, boys, here comes the gas!"

Andrew: "Don’t pull a tooth til you see the whites of their eyes!"

Charlie: What do you call an army dentist anyway?

Andrew: I don’t know.

Charlie: A drill sergeant.

Andrew: That’s bad.

Charlie: Anyway, the wannabe dentist would watch the real dentist diagnose and give treatment, and he said he watched how the real dentist would extract teeth and take measurements for dentures. Later on, when he was told he was too old to be a dentist’s assistant any more, the man successfully convinced his neighbors that he himself was a retired army dentist. And thus started a long and until recently successful career doing extractions and supplying dentures. Health officials raided his place after a tip-off and apparently it took six men to carry off his chair, which had been tossed out by the army in 1978.

Andrew: Have you had any bad experiences with dentists?

Charlie: Once – shortly after I arrived in Taiwan actually – I went to a dentist as I’d noticed some bleeding from the gums when I brushed my teeth. And the dentist said this could be caused by gingivitis. Or, he said, maybe I had AIDS.

Andrew: What!

Charlie: Yes, which I don’t think is something any healthcare professional should say lightly. I don’t have gingivitis either, I might add.

Anyway, the Malaysian amateur dentist sounded like a bit of a joker as well. Here’s how we at Instant Noodles envisioned the scene…

Patient: Thanks for seeing me at short notice, none of the other dentists could give me an appointment.

Dentist: Well, that’s the other dentists for you, isn’t it? Have a seat there.

Patient: Wow, your dentist chair looks really old.

Dentist: Ah, they don’t make them like they used to, do they? Sit yourself down, you know the drill.

Patient: The what!?

Dentist: Haha, just my little joke there, the drill. Haha. Maybe later! No, please. Now before we start I’d just like to ask you a question.

Patient: What’s that?

Dentist: Is it safe?

Patient: What?

Dentist: Is it safe?

Patient: Oh God, you’re that evil Nazi dentist from the movie Marathon Man. Help! Help!

Dentist: Is it safe? Ah no, I’m just messing with you. Just having a little – is it safe?

Patient: Help! Aaargh.

Dentist: No, I’m just messing, just a little joke. Help you relax.

Patient: Well you can help by looking at my teeth.

Dentist: Of course. Let’s have a look here. Say ‘ah.’

Patient: Aaaaah.

Dentist: Say sagamaloola.

Patient: Ah-ah-ah-oo-aa

Dentist: Say mechicka boola

Patient: Eh-ih-ah-oo-ah.

Dentist: Put ‘em together and what have you got?

Patient: Huh?

Dentist: I’m sorry, the answer was bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Let’s see now. Good Lord! One of your teeth has swollen up and turned pink!

Patient: At by ung!

Dentist: It’ll have to come out, where’s my big tweezers? (muffled protest) What’s that?

Patient: That’s not a tooth, it’s my tongue!

Dentist: I knew that.

Patient: You do know about teeth, don’t you?

Dentist: Of course! There’s the insiders, the carbines, the bicustards and the moles. Then there’s the magical wisdom teeth, who know the answer to any question – woooh!

Patient: No, that’s wrong. All wrong. None of that was right. Are you even a certified dentist?
Dentist: Well, I am certified.

Patient: Right, I’m out of here.

Dentist: No, wait, one moment. Sir!

Patient: What?

Dentist: Is it safe?

Patient: Argh! Let me out of here! Argh! You freak!

Originally broadcast on Instant Noodles for RTI on August 23rd, 2007. Listen to this week's show online at http://english.rti.org.tw/ - Listen - Thursday.

The Haunted Houses of Keelung

2007-09-04T00:46:00.001+08:00

Belief in ghosts in widespread in Taiwan. While we in the West have our traditions of campfire stories and haunted castles, not many people really believe in them, do they? I mean, really take them seriously. Put it this way, here in Taiwan you’re much more likely to meet someone who claims they’ve actually seen a ghost themselves, and not just the friend of a friend. I used to tutor a young man who confided in me that he occasionally saw spirits of the departed walking around near his home. How do you know they are ghosts? I asked him. Because, he said, as they walked towards me, from the waist down there was nothing there!

We’re in the middle of Ghost Month here in Taiwan, the seventh month in the lunar calendar, where it is believed ghosts and spirits emerge from the nether world. Especially on Ghost Day, the thirteenth day of the month, which fell on Monday last week. On Tomb Sweeping Day, which occurs in the spring, it is traditional to pay your respects to your deceased ancestors. But on Ghost Day, your ancestors repay the visit. So everywhere you go on Ghost Day, you’ll see the tables that people have set in front of their homes and businesses, laden down with fruits and cookies and various goodies for their ravenous old relatives. It’s common enough in Taiwan to see people burning ghost money at various times of the year. These are printed paper notes for your ancestors to use in the afterlife, and people burn them in metal buckets outside their homes. The act is a spiritual bank transfer if you like with the facsimile cash passing over by means of fire. And I’ve never seen so many people burning ghost money as on Ghost Day itself -or so much of it. In fact, your biggest danger on Ghost Day came not from the spirits, but from the smoke – not to mention the drifting fragments of still burning ash. Many an item of clothing was later reported to have small holes singed in it as a result.

But I wasn’t sure how I could mark Ghost Day Occidental Tourist style. That is, until one of my colleagues suggested I might like to visit one of Taiwan’s four big haunted houses. I was not aware of Taiwan’s four big haunted houses, so I embarked on a quest. It was in this search which took me through many a darkened library store room and cobwebbed archive that I uncovered a curious and ancient parchment. And this, once I had deciphered the runes, did indeed speak of four ghostly locations. Actually that’s not true. I just looked on the Internet. And it did seem to be the case that of all the notable haunted houses around the island, there is a consensus on the big four. Taiwan’s four most spooky dwellings for the visitor brave - or foolish - enough to visit.

Of the so-called big four, one is in Minhsiung, near Chiayi in southern central Taiwan. It’s also the location of RTI’s National Radio Museum. And it’s too far away. So that one was out. The second was in Hsinchu in northern Taiwan. That was closer, but still further than I wanted to go. But numbers three and four on the list were located in the northern port city of Keelung. Perfect. Two of Taiwan’s top haunted houses in one town, only about half an hour out of Taipei.

So it was time to head out for a spot of ghost hunting. And there’s nothing like catching the train at Taipei Main Station to put you in the mood. The underground platforms always feel dismal and enclosed like a waiting room to the underworld. Spectral lights then pierce the gloom as the train screeches into the station like a banshee. Trish has come with me today – I’ll be honest enough to say I didn’t fancy going it alone on this one. And like me she also had various horror movie scenarios going on in her mind.

Trish: What happens if we go in to the haunted house and then we disappear? And then all they find is your recorder.
Me: Oh, you mean like the Blair Witch Project or one of those movies.
Trish: Yeah.
Me: Well I hope they’ll at least do a better job on the editing.

But while we travel, let me tell you about the first place we are going to. One of my guides to the haunted houses is an anonymous blogger who visited all four sites. Here’s what he or she had to say:

The results of my observations were that the Minhsiung ghost house is not as fearsome as you might imagine. And the house in Hsinchu is about as scary as an ornamental garden. But the house in downtown Keelung – there is something truly disturbing about that one. Why is it scary? If it is haunted you can’t tell from the outside. And no-one has come to harm by it. But it scares me because here is a place, right in downtown Keelung – prime real estate – and yet no-one dares to rebuild on it. Is that not strange?

This house – number three on the list – is a three-storey European-style town house, built about seventy years ago by a local merchant. Located on the corner of two of the city’s busiest streets with views over the harbour. The merchant and his family lived there for a time. Then after the war, with US troops stationed in Taiwan, the house became a bar frequented by the GIs. Then at some point the bar closed and the house gradually fell into disrepair. And stories began to circulate about the deserted house, as stories do. Some said a lovelorn girl had hanged herself there. Others said it was the site where a spurned suitor had murdered the object of his desire. But one thing is certain – the building has been empty for at least thirty years, probably longer.

Arriving in Keelung, we took a taxi to the address I’d obtained. Only to find that it was all of three hundred yards away from the station. But it was worth it, as I was able to quiz the taxi driver on what he knew of the house. No one dares live there, he said. And if anyone goes in, they come out again pretty quickly. Some of them have even fallen sick. Yes, I said, but has anyone ever seen anything? He didn’t know.

Me: Well, here I am on site at the first of Keelung’s famous haunted houses. We’re right in place where the center of Keelung meets the harbour. And it is a strange feeling, because Keelung town centre is just right here and it continues either side of what is just a derelict European-style town house on the corner of a street. It’s like a 1930s period gap in the middle of a modern street. What do you think, Trish?
Trish: I think it just looks like a derelict old building… with severe damp problems.
Me: There’s many strange stories about this house. Late at night maybe there would be strange ghostly lights coming from behind the windows upstairs. Or even occasionally a face…
Trish: Maybe there’s squatters inside.
Me: We’re looking up, it’s three storeys tall, it’s actually got trees and shrubs growing up on the roof, it’s been vacant so long. It’s all blackened with neglect, decades of grime and dirt from the streets has accumulated on it. Looking at the windows now, is any face going to-
Trish: Ooh, there’s a ghost!
Me: Don’t do that.

We both felt a little underwhelmed by this one. Admittedly the house does look starkly out of place. But it seems the real reason no one has rebuilt on the site is that the original owner’s children have yet to divide their inheritance. In any case, we decided to move on to Keelung’s second haunted location, or number four on the list. Our mystery blogger was fairly cool about this one however:

The fourth house is not really a haunted house in my view. It’s just that the lay of the land gives it a strong yin factor which creates a certain ‘miasma.’ So the place’s yin can make you feel uncomfortable as you pass by it. But it’s not because it’s haunted.

In other words, any spookiness was an effect of the location’s feng shui, the traditional way of identifying good or bad places based on their location relative to mountains and water. And when we arrived we felt sure we’d come to the wrong place. Haunted house number four looked more like a novelty castle. And worse, it wasn’t even abandoned – it was a bar restaurant.

Me: Hmm, well this doesn’t look right, does it? I mean, this building looks like sort of a gloomy mock castle building, but it’s…
Trish: It seems to be a fully-functioning bar.
Me: Yeah, it’s like a restaurant where they do-
Trish: Karaoke.
Me: They do karaoke and fried prawns. This can’t be right at all. Ghosts don’t like fried prawns, do they? Let’s ask around here somewhere.

But enquiring of a nearby shopkeeper, we were assured that this was indeed the place. The shopkeeper said that when she was small she had also heard the place was haunted.

Me: But it doesn’t really look that scary, does it? I mean, it looks like a place that’s built to look a bit like a spooky castle.
Trish: But it doesn’t.
Me: I mean, if you’re going to say a building is haunted just because it’s got a slightly different design… Well, this is as close as we can get I think, we can’t go through a metal gate… but it all looks in order, doesn’t it? It’s not the cleanest place… but we’re looking here onto a small terrace balcony where there’s some tables out… and it just looks like – well, maybe not the funnest place to come for a meal, but nothing particularly out of the ordinary, is it? Now our mystery blogger said that he or she didn’t consider this a haunted place either but reckoned the qi of the place was just bad. That it had too heavy a yin factor because of the lie of the land, and I guess it’s down at the bottom of a hill and next to the road, so whether that gives it bad feng shui I don’t know, I’m not an expert. But the blogger seemed to reckon this created a misma of qi which would drain your energy and leave you feeling uncomfortable as you walked by. Do you feel uncomfortable?
Trish: No, but it smells kind of funny and I wouldn’t want to eat here.
Me: Ah, well that’ll be the miasma then I guess.
Trish: To be honest, all in all I’m fairly disappointed with these haunted houses.
Me: Yeah, there’s not much really going on, is there? No, er… oh, there was a big black butterfly! Which looked a little bit like a bat… no, even that’s straining it a bit, isn’t it?

Trish then said she wanted to leave as she was being pestered by numerous flies.

Trish: Urgh! The flies keep landing on me!
Me: Infested with flies? Then you mean this could be the dwelling place of Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies?
Trish: Er, no.

So those were the results of my ghost hunting this week. A little disappointing I’ll admit. And I must confess that I can’t quite make out just how these two locations in Keelung made it into Taiwan’s top four. But on the other hand, would I rather have seen a ghost? Er, on the whole, no. Funny how to see a ghost must be a horrible thing, yet to not see one leaves you feeling disappointed. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t – as the ghosts themselves might say. Til next time, for the Occidental Tourist, I’m Charlie Horror. I mean, Storrar.

The Occidental Tourist originally broadcast on RTI on 2nd September, 2007.

Kill Bailey: The Killers' Hidden Inspiration

2007-03-20T01:03:00.000+08:00

Not especially topical but I've been pushed recently to post something new, so here we go.

Much has been made of the major influences of top indie-pop act The Killers. While their breakthrough debut Hot Fuss seemed reminiscent of Duran Duran, listeners have also commented on shades of Bruce Springsteen on their follow-up Sam's Town.

But what of the Las Vegas band's unexpected debt to a much older musical tradition - yes, Cockney Music Hall. Don't believe me? Have a look at this verse from Mr. Brightside:

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his...
Chest, now...

Classic music hall there, the off-colour scenario, the saucy second line set-up building to the eventual pay-off ("What did you think we were going to say?") All that's missing in fact is the Frankie Howerd moment, chiding the listener for thinking naughty things in the first place.

It's a cheeky vaudeville touch, a bit of playground doggerel that would play well on the back seats of school buses anywhere. When The Killers start ending their sets with I'm Henery the Eighth I Am, you'll know I'm right. And if Bill Bailey picks this up on his next stage tour, remember you read it here first.

Who's Laughing Now? New Look England Ashes Side

2006-11-26T17:45:00.000+08:00

Sean told me yesterday that Harmison's first ball of the long awaited Ashes series, bowled to Andrew Flintoff at second slip rather than Aussie opener Justin Langer reminded him of "one of those bungled efforts from a Tommy Cooper Christmas Special." And it got me thinking. Given this debacle of a performance, for the next test we should get rid of these current jokers and field a team of proper comedians. So with that in mind, here's my all new XI.

First we need a solid and established opening partnership and I think it's hard to look beyond Morecambe and Wise. Especially come the Christmas Test, as their record in the holiday season is impeccable. For years, the festive season has always drawn a special performance from this pair. And while this joke has been made a million times since last year, our best chance to retain the Little Urn is to have one in our side.

At three I'm dropping Ian Bell for Mr Bean. With a simple, uncomplicated technique, he's had success all over the world showing he is well able to adapt to all conditions.

At four I want a gritty northerner and while there's plenty to choose from, I think I'm going to go with Les Dawson. He'll look like a bulldog at the crease and respond to Aussie sledging with remarks about their mothers-in-law.

At five it's got to be KD. Whereas Boycott famously boasts of playing indifferent bowling with a stick of rhubarb, Ken Dodd will tickle Brett Lee to the boundary with his feather duster. Like Kevin Pieterson, Ken's attracted some criticism for his decision to leave the country of his birth, but the fact is it has nothing to do with his true loyalties, he just did it for tax reasons.

Six was tricky. Sellers, Cook, Hancock, Milligan and even Cribbins all have their supporters and all are capable of coming in and doing a job. But in the end I've gone for Kenneth Williams. Not since Nasser Hussain has England had a performer who could flare his nostrils so effectively. And as for coping with sledging? Forget it. Fifteen minutes of 'Ooh, matron!'s will make the Aussies realise their crude innuendoes are no match for a master of the form.

Much has been made of the debate as to which of the Two Ronnies should keep wicket. Conventional wisdom holds that Barker is the better bat, Corbett the better keeper. And while Corbett's ability to keep up a constant stream of chatter to unnerve and irritate the batsman is undisputed, I'm a little concerned about his tendency to digress in the middle of an anecdote. Such lapses in concentration could cost us dearly. It's for that reason I'm plumping for Ronnie Barker. He'll stick to the crease like porridge and help us stodge our way out of a sticky situation. Also, should the unthinkable happen and we do lose Little Urn, Barker can move up the order and open all hours.

Now for the bowling. An untimely injury to Norman Pace has robbed the side of a likely matchwinner. I'm going to put my faith in the long limbs of John Cleese. His freakish height will surely help us exploit that extra bounce that you get at the WACA. We just have to cross our fingers and hope that his trademark silly run-up doesn't cost us too much in no-balls. For Anderson (Jimmy) read Anderson (Clive). A real prospect, this one - his wit is lightning fast, a good two yards quicker than anyone else on the circuit at present, with the possible exception of Stephen Fry.

Now to choose a spinner. In a way it's tempting to go with the solid slow left arm of Edmonds (Noel) but to be honest I think he's one performer who even in his heyday was too inocuous to do much damage. So I'm going for the crazy googlies of Marty Feldman. The Tufnell of the 60s comedy scene: unpredictable, even violent, but ultimately he has that mesmeric quality you look for in your spinner. The batsman tries to read his eyes rather than the ball and consequently gets beaten all ends up.

I'm taking a risk with my final selection, but I believe Borat could be our mystery bowler. Born in Kazakhstan, he's an unknown quantity to the Aussies and since bursting on to the county scene he's impressed with his ability to have opponents caught out, often in embarrassing ways, before they realise what's happening. His talents could certainly Make Benefit Glorious Cricket Team of England.

Unfortunately, at least half this team is dead. Even so, they couldn't do much worse than the present bunch, could they? And this way, even if we lose we guarantee we'll still have the ashes to take home with us.

Lee for Vendetta

2006-10-30T21:41:00.000+08:00

If you thought British politics was childish, consider yourself lucky. If you want an idea of what domestic politics is like in Taiwan, think of Taiwan's legislature (parliament) as a huge pram afloat on a sea of spat-out dummies. Under the current administration, antagonism between parties is such that legislators can be counted on to vote for or against any bill depending on who proposed it. Saves a lot of time reading boring documents I guess.

But there are times when mindless gainsaying just isn't enough. Step forward Lee Ao. Lee is an independent legislator (MP) and chronic self-publicist, a combination which frequently leads to colourful acts of look-at-me drama. Last week in a vote on a government-proposed arms bill, Lee entered the voting chamber in a V for Vendetta Guy Fawkes mask, brandished a stun baton and set off a can of tear gas. "I'm an old man and can risk my life," said Lee, "let's see who dares to vote on the bill now!"

Later in the week Lee switched sides and went to vote in favour of a government-proposed bill attacking dubious assets held by the opposition. He held up his banner, did a little song and dance and then pressed the wrong button and voted against the bill by mistake.

I defy you to find a looser cannon in world politics. To think the best we have is Boris Johnson. Will things be this much fun if China takes over? Somehow I doubt it.

Hammond Trumps Expectations

2006-10-24T01:18:00.000+08:00

Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond spoke today for the first time about his 300mph crash last month. According to doctors, the brain injury he sustained in the accident had caused Hammond to "regress to a childlike state, where he was obsessed with the card game Top Trumps."

Regress? Obviously these doctors don't watch Top Gear or they would have realised Hammond was well on his way to a full recovery. Jeremy Clarkson has been stuck in a persistent childlike state for over 40 years...

People My Brother Jim Looks Like #7

2006-10-17T11:52:00.000+08:00

Ah yes, it's been a while, but finally another is unearthed in the form of actor Eric Balfour, aka Milo from 24.

My finger ever on the pulse of popular culture five years after the event, I'm just getting round now to watching the first series. I was in my first year of university when it was originally shown and we had a clear house rule: no talking in the TV room when 24 was on. This was - correctly - to avoid incessant questions along the lines of "Who's he again? What's he doing? Well, why's he doing that?" which would have led to the questioner suffering an impromptu assassination attempt on the spot. So I missed a couple of episodes and never caught up.

I've had enough of these m%$*f**&ng reptile experts on this m%*#f%**ng script!

2006-09-05T16:03:00.000+08:00

I agree with Mark. Whereas Snakes on a Plane is undoubtedly a bold and worthwhile experiment, it nonetheless highlights the dubious wisdom of entrusting the production of Hollywood films to internet committees.

Though I enjoyed the movie, I was annoyed by the pointless subplot with the guys on the ground desperately trying to ascertain exactly what snakes are on the plane so they can provide the right variety of antivenoms if and when the plane lands safely. It detracts from the main action and is just the kind of nit-picking you can expect when you invite people who actually know about snakes to have their input.

The thing is, in movies we take it as a given that baddies will have ready access to exotic and lethal animals, viz. piranhas, crocodiles, sharks with lasers etc. Okay, so this diverse cocktail of poisonous serpents are not actually indigenous to Hawaii. I don't care! It's not going to harm their tourist industry and nor is it necessary to worry that LA hospitals are unlikely to stock the appropriate antidotes - the film's dramatic climax is when the plane gets down to earth again, not in the ER twenty minutes later when we learn - thank God! - they have managed to locate the right serum for an Australian Copperhead in the nick of time after all.

It doesn't matter! Let the reptile geeks pull it apart for its lack of zoological integrity afterwards - that's what the internet is for after all - but don't ruin it for the rest of us by forcing the studio to do stupid reshoots or we'll never get another movie finished ever again. Thankfully the snake expert in the film was also a pedantic little fusspot - at least the studio picked up that much from the online hordes and their great "suggestions".

People My Friend Mark Looks Like #1

2006-07-25T22:27:00.000+08:00

And Phil thinks so too.

Ain't That a Kick In The Nuts?

2006-07-08T00:42:00.000+08:00

Euurgh. I can't really be bothered writing about this. I refer you instead to Sean's excellent analysis in the comments to my last entry. Football is dead. And like Sean, since last Saturday I have run the full gamut of emotions associated with the grieving process. In fact, I realise now that I had actually been in the denial stage for most of the tournament, buoyed by the return of Rooney and believing as I had those empty promises that performances were set to improve. Denial departed in the instant pictured top left, when the irresistible sense of history repeating suddenly crunched home like a - well, like a boot in the groin. The anger phase then reigned for the rest of the weekend before I finally heeded Beckham's pre-match exhortation to Say No To Racism and refused to blame Ronaldo or the Argentine ref for our failure. Since then I have been through Despair - England will never ever win a World Cup ever again! And now we have Steve McClaren for four years and all our best players will be too old by the time we sack him! And of course Apathy - Well I don't care, I prefer cricket anyway, not that we have any chance of retaining the Ashes this winter.

And finally, I have come to a philosophical acceptance which goes something like this. Knowing that Wayne Rooney's feet represent the truly (and only) eloquent part of his being, I have come to view the crushing of the Carvalhian crotch as an exquisite expression of what english football is all about. To whit - of England's five games at this tournament, I did not enjoy watching any of them. The same goes for the last World Cup, the one before that and the Euro Championships in between. The qualifiers, of course, are even worse. Put simply, it is never ever pleasurable to watch England play. Yet every tournament knockout, inevitable though it is, is still a bludgeoning shock and a numbing agony. Supporting England is essentially the same as being kicked in the nuts.

I am truly grateful to Rooney for this revelation - a tournament-defining incident certainly, but more than that - a powerful exercise in symbolics which has left on me an impression as indelible as the one he left on Carvalho's scrotum.

Well done for France and Italy for making it to the final, even though I'm really not that excited about it. I suppose I have to take back my words about Italy being over-rated - see what happens when you actually bother to go forward, even if it takes fear of penalties to make you do it? Good thing you're as bad at them as we are...

The Biggie

2006-07-01T19:57:00.000+08:00

It's big but will it be clever? By the time you read this it will most likely all be over - Eriksson v Scolari round three. The first two rounds have gone with Big Phil, but can it be that Sven will have the last laugh? Or even the last understated smirk?

England expects: another gut-wrenching rollercoaster where our honest endeavour will most likely be undermined by an untimely lapse of concentration and no doubt a hideous call from the Argentinian ref who will secretly want England to lose as badly as I wanted Argentina to lose last night. Cheering for Germany, honestly - whatever next?

Despite their lack of form so far, England will be glad that at the absence through ill-discipline of "Antan" Deco and Costinha "a place in the semis". How badly Portugal will miss the creative spark offered by Barcelona's John Cusack lookalike remains to be seen. By rights they should also be without the services of Figo, or F***o as I have now dubbed him after his performance against Holland. But FIFA of course decided against further discipline for his headbutt on Van Bommel (who in turn fell to the ground after careful consideration) as that would make the match referee (4 red cards, 16 yellow) look incompetent. Pause for derision.

A final word for the residents of Gelsenkirchen should Portugal be awarded a dodgy penalty in the dying seconds of the game a la Australia. Sorry for the mess...

Know Ye the Signs

2006-06-09T18:38:00.001+08:00

Another day, another remake. Stephen King believes the essence of good horror to be supernatural representation of natural fears - in the case of The Omen, Will having kids ruin my life? And the answer is, if they are the glowering bowl-barnetted brood of Anne Robinson, emphatically yes.

It is the last shot however that really makes me shiver. As the pre-school spawn of Satan having despatched his parents grips the hand of the US President and turns to camera with a Weakest Link smirk, only then does the terrifying apocalyptic significance become clear. Yes - the President of the United States is being advised by five year-olds!

Poseidon Absenture

2006-05-28T18:58:00.000+08:00

Better effects, weaker characters, badly paced series of set-pieces. Hello, I'm a remake!

Successful Living Series Part 1: The Seven Habits of Moderately Lazy People

2006-05-26T01:13:00.000+08:00

People in Taiwan read two types of book. One is The Da Vinci Code like everyone else. The other is the business self-help genre, keys to profitable management strategies written by smug white men. Being smug, white and male myself I quickly perceived that the best way to get rich is to write a book about the best way to get rich. Over the next few posts I intend to share with you some of the philosophies and practises which have made me what I am.

Part One: The Seven Habits of Moderately Lazy People

1) Be Decisive
Every decision is a consideration of calculated gain weighed up against the investment (time, effort, expense) required to achieve it. Do you want a packet of fruit pastilles enough to leave the house and go to the shop? If yes, then go for it! Otherwise, leave it - it's hassle you can do without.

2) Set Objectives
It's important to set yourself achievable goals. For example:

Short term goal- have a lie down.
Mid-term goal - look to maximise potential opportunities for further lie-downs.
Long term goal - one day to start to think about setting some long term goals.

3) Prioritise
Never put things off until later - unless there's something good on TV. If there isn't (and unfortunately this is often the case) then you may need to persevere. Maybe there will be something good on later. Channel hopping is not a symptom of indiscipline; it's a sensible strategy to avoid committing yourself prematurely. Or you could watch a DVD.

4) Don't Time Waste
Time is precious. Don't waste it by categorising your behaviour in this meaningless way. Accept that whatever habits guide your behaviour, they were probably formed a long time ago and you're unlikely to change them now. Have a cup of tea instead. Unless you've run out of milk, in which case, refer to #1.

5) Be Willing to Compromise
Don't limit yourself by being too rigid. Did I say seven habits? You don't actually have to have seven - it's just a symbolic number and anyway, Malcolm in the Middle is about to start.

Chav Culture

2006-05-18T17:21:00.000+08:00

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez' visit to London last week provided another golden opportunity for Ken Livingstone to feel moist over some left-wing dictator. Of course, if it's not him, it's that self-publicising arse George Galloway lambasting vile oppressor Blair while singing the praises of Saddam Hussain. Galloway, in his own words, is 'a different type of MP'. Indeed, George, other ones actually represent their constituents rather than fannying about sucking up to despots.

Anyway, my theory is that Chavez represents the man Livingstone is in his dreams, the tough-talking hero of the masses sticking his fingers up America's nose, rather than the petty socialist bureaucrat with the irritating voice who reappears when he awakes.

And let's not forget Livingstone's visit to China last month, when he surveyed Tiananmen Square and with crassness unusual even for him likened the events of June 1989 to London's poll tax riots. Entirely comparable, Ken, well done - to this day it impresses me what a good job our government did covering up those thousands of deaths on the streets of our capital.

Picture, if you will, a line of tanks rumbling towards the centre of London, intent on violently crushing the massed demonstrators. Suddenly a single unknown individual, taking no thought for his personal safety, heroically blocks their path. The difference? In this scenario, the man turns out to be a traffic warden, who admits that his actions were motivated not by a selfless desire to save others, but rather that the tanks had not paid the congestion charge.

Yellow Fever

2006-05-17T23:46:00.000+08:00

A must-see for anyone interested in Sino-Caucasian affairs and with as much time on their hands as I have. To call this short film an excellent contribution to the social/racial/sexual political discourse does no justice to how funny and inventive it is. My favourite part is when the hero, hearing his guffawing white friend describe how a mangled 'Ni hao ma?' from him works wonders on Chinese girls, considers on reflection that the effect probably doesn't work in reverse...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HITeEV8y10

Heresy: Mandela Had It Easy

2006-05-15T22:29:00.000+08:00

Taiwan's president Chen Shui-bian, having managed in the last week to annoy friend and foe, foreign and domestic, yesterday met former South African president FW de Klerk in Taipei. Having drawn several customary self-serving parallels in his speech, Chen remarked to the former leader, "It would have been easier to play the role of Nelson Mandela than your role." Sure. All Mandela had to do was rot in prison. Piece of cake.

Less controversial, sadly, is Radio 4's show Heresy (www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/heresy) in which David Baddiel and his panel attempt to play devil's advocate to overturn conventional wisdom on various issues. A nice idea, except that when it came to the crunch the panel all baulked at the challenge of saying something nice about Margaret Thatcher, other than that she indirectly spawned their careers. Clearly for any alternative comedian, positive re-evaluation of Thatcher to whatever extent still represents the ultimate Heresy. For more on Thatcher's direct responsibility for causing Wayne Rooney's metatarsal injury, see http://football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,,1767020,00.html

Much better and funnier is Down the Line, a spoof phone-in show from the creators of The Fast Show (www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/downtheline). The scary thing is, it's so well-observed that it's barely a spoof at all, a must for anyone who's ever been driven to the brink of destroying their radio in response to the right-wing dinosaurs, irritating faffy liberals and flat-out fruitcakes who seem to make up a sizeable proportion of the UK population. Maybe Chen's not so bad after all - I don't think I'll be going home just yet.

Rubbing Hood: Prince of Thieves

2006-05-02T01:51:00.000+08:00

This one had me reaching for my Google as well when I first heard it - un unnamed Hollywood star, taking part in a celebrity golf tournament in Scotland in 2004, reportedly requested a special upgrade from his hotel masseuse and when this invitation was declined decided to take matters into his own hands. Last week a local court ruled that since it was all over the internet anyway, they could publically out the individual - Kevin Costner, no less.

I was delighted - Kevin Costner ranks (sorry) somewhere alongside Richard Gere and Matthew McConnaughey in my estimation. I quote Family Guy: "I haven't been this confused since the end of No Way Out... how does Kevin Costner keep getting work?"

Anyway, according to the scandalised (and sacked) hotel employee's account, after his request to touch his, er, 'Untouchables' was rebuffed, Costner whipped off his towel and 'performed a solo sex act to climax'.

Now, distasteful as this may be, since I judge most of Costner's output to be pretty much w**k in any case, the masseuse seems to be sadly unaware that she was actually privileged to be witnessing what probably ranks (sorry) as one of his better performances. If only she'd had the presence of mind to stay and offer a critique, something along the lines of: Another wooden performance, Kevin - but at least it was shorter than Wyatt Earp!

Scolari (To the Tune of 'Volare')

2006-05-01T00:56:00.000+08:00

Scolari! (Wo-oh!)
Can't hire ye! (Oh-no-no-no!)
The leeches were swarming on you.
It's like being trapped in a zoo.

'Big Phil' Scolari is a clever man. One able to devise a system which would actually play to the strengths of the players we have rather than nullifying them, together with the confidence to make such a system work. Unfortunately, he's also clever enough to realise that if you take the England manager's job, you win a major cup immediately. A great big poisoned one.

So it's back to the original British candidates and with them the blood, sweat and tears approach that served us so well... in '66. Now forty years of hurt... forty-four probably before we ditch the next guy and have another chance to get someone good. Personally I think we missed the boat with Guus Hiddink.

Mind you, if our best players are determined to always crock themselves before or at crucial stages of major tournaments, I guess it's academic anyway. Bring back Darren 'Remarkable Recovery Every Second Summer' Anderton I say. If nothing else he had a canny sense of timing.

I Knew It

2006-04-30T23:04:00.000+08:00

Pessimism is a terrible thing not least for one reason - because it's so often accurate. In the form of his life, scoring for fun, creating beautifully-crafted goals, composing footballing poetry on the pitch as exquisite as Mozart writing operas in his mind.

He's going to get injured, I said.

Why, God, why?

People My Brother Jim's Brother Charlie Looks Like #4: Raiders of the Lost Archives

2006-04-22T13:50:00.000+08:00

Another nostalgic offering from the Searchlight back catalogue courtesy of Sean, who trawled through thousands of sealed crates in a government warehouse to retrieve it. Bureaucratic fools! They didn't know what they had there.

I can in fact claim one genuine similarity to Harrison Ford - an almost identical scar on the chin from when I fell off a table as a child. Okay, not very heroic but I doubt his story is any more impressive. I do admire Harrison Ford though - he's achieved a lot for someone without a recognisable first name. And his progress from rakish Han Solo to monolith of moral fortitude has been nothing short of astounding. Nobody can point a finger in righteous anger with as much gravitas as Harrison. Except possibly Charlton Heston - but then again, he'd most likely be pointing a gun.

Emperor Popeltine

2006-04-19T14:13:00.000+08:00

And now to religious affairs. It is now one year since Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger became Pope Benedict XVI. (I was disappointed - I was hoping he might revive the superb moniker Boniface - not a name that just anyone could carry off!) On the anniversary of his ascension, the BBC reported on his first year in office, noting how he was considered a 'Darth Vader' figure by some insiders at the time of his selection. Good old beeb, they also managed to dig out a photo which scarily backs this up - it seems that the years spent as Pope John Paul's padawan paid off well. Warning: you may experience some chest-tightening and breathing difficulties as you view this picture.

Pope Benedict finds your lack of faith... disturbing.
Link

People My Brother Jim Looks Like #6

2006-04-11T01:45:00.001+08:00

Jim has unearthed another of his doeppelgaengers (damn, where are the umlauts when you need them?) Serj Tankian, singer from System of a Down. He has sent two pictures, see if you can tell which is the original.

Did you spot it? Now I'm not entirely convinced, I have to say. Having said that, if they ever decide to do a post-industrial hardcore punk metal version of Oliver! then Jim is a shoo-in for the part of Fagin.

In terms of pure likeness however I do reckon there is a comparison to be made between the photoshopped version and the Robot Devil from Futurama - or even Bender's evil brother Flexo from the same programme.

Also, what's up with Jim's grotesquely swollen hand - has he been using Anna's magic water I wonder?

People My Brother Jim's Brother Charlie Looks Like #3

2006-04-04T11:38:00.000+08:00

Sean is on the money this time with this comparison however, likening my alter ego Sidney Dalton the security guard to Colin Farrell's character in S.W.A.T. My trousers are better pressed than his I think you'll notice though.

The S.W.A.T. angle is no coincidence either I might add, as you will see from this recent picture of myself at Bad Cop Special Response Unit training school. I nearly got my badge that day - but in the end I settled for a fluffy key-ring instead.

Nor do the similarities to Colin Farrell end there. Like his Alexander, I have known both victory and defeat in the land once known as Macedonia. And I also once had a bad experience in a Phone Booth. Someone had peed in it.

People My Brother Jim's Brother Charlie Looks Like #2

2006-04-02T22:46:00.000+08:00

Sean reckons I look like this chap called Adam Brody from The OC. I don't. Apart from a temporary hair malfunction (I was too poor at the time to afford a haircut) I find little resemblance. My girlfriend agrees and she actually watches the programme. She also adds that she thinks I'm better looking. Who am I to disagree?

People My Brother Jim's Brother Charlie Looks Like

2006-03-29T17:33:00.000+08:00

A sensational contribution from Jim yesterday, one which has both fuelled the debate and taken it in an exciting new direction through the revelation that Boy Meets World's Ben Savage looks a lot like me. I won't deny the similarity, in fact I went further and uncovered earlier photos of Ben which would stand comparison with some of my early school photos - in other words, not only does he look like me now, but he has always looked like me. (Mum, would you be able to scan such a school photo and e-mail it to me? Thanks!) Better than looking like Lily Savage anyway. Or Robbie Savage. Or just plain savage.

I also used to look like the boy on the cover of Rage Against the Machine's Evil Empire album. Although sadly, I never had the same physique - or the uniform.

Even so, a sinister parallel emerges. Whereas my brother, as we have seen, seems to look like the majority of Jewish actors of recent times, one of my lookalikes on the other hand is a poster boy for Aryan supremacy. There's an edgy sitcom in there at least.

People My Brother Jim Looks Like #5: The Man Himself Speaks!

2006-03-28T19:00:00.000+08:00

Jim says: And now a few words from the man himself. I cant deny it, some of those are similar and some tenous. As a person of distinguised features I pride myself on the quality of my lookalikes. Such a list of well loved characters makes me proud. Thank you all very much. Here are one or two of my own lookelikeys. I have been continually told that I look like a young Dustin Hoffman, esp. from "The Graduate".

I cant see it myself but if you feel like hunting down a pic, feel free. (I do - Charlie)

As a kid I was always told I looked like Screech from Saved by the Bell.

I was also told I looked like Ben Savage from "Boy Meets World" although I'm convinced he actually looks more like our very own Charlie. This one particularly freaked me out.

Snakehead Terror/DinoCroc

2006-03-23T16:05:00.000+08:00

There's nothing like a low-budget horror movie to distract me when I should be doing something else, and Star Movies fiendishly showed these two offerings on successive evenings. I will treat them together as they are essentially the same movie, both from the category known back home as straight-to-video, or here as straight-to-your-cable-tv-aren't-you-lucky?

In both films the idyllic harmony of a lakeside town is shattered by a sudden spate of partially-eaten corpses washing up on the shore. Yet with tourism crucial to the local economy, the town's chief of police comes under strong pressure from the mayor to keep the lake open (does this sound familiar at all?) We get excellent public announcements along the lines of, "We don't have any proof of what caused these mangled torsos... so we feel it's safe to say it's nothing." And in both it's the chief's derided but demure daughter who finally saves the day. In fact I am not entirely convinced that the two are not actually the same footage combined with different visual effects.

Snakehead Terror in particular compares favourably to the superbly silly Piranha 2: The Spawning. The Snakeheads are fish which grow monstrous and belligerent due to local scientists dumping human growth hormone in the lake. (Oh you scientists, all you ever do is meddle meddle meddle!) I'm not quite sure what gives rise to the DinoCroc as I missed the start, but it was probably a massive dose of E-numbers from a freak Kia-Ora spill or something like that.

The Snakeheads are a great and versatile baddie, eventually proving themselves equally adept on land or in the water, with the old-fashioned virtues of a professional approach, teamwork and going for the jugular. DinoCroc on the other hand inevitably disappoints because it feels like a bit of a boring hybrid from the start really. After all, what is a dinosaur anyway but a crocodile that can stand up? A better combination might have been the DinaMole - not only a subterranean flesh-eating abomination but also a natty play on words. "Look what they've done to my damn lawn! One of these days I ought to- aaaaaargh! Euuurgh! Oh God! Waaaaaargh!" Or how about being carried off and devoured by an army of rampaging DinoMites?

What is nice about both films is that while they are both full of cliches as bloated as the victims' remains, there are also some very refreshing moments where they break with convention. For example, genre custom dictates that after an early initial attack, there should not be another for a good half an hour, to allow for setting the scene, introducing the characters and maybe a false alarm or two. Nobody has told this to the Snakeheads however, who happily chow down a new victim on every single occasion that anyone so much as looks at the water. Admittedly this makes for a considerable drop-off in tension, but the director has correctly apprehended that what his target audience most want to see is two-dimensional characters being chewed to a bloody pulp by foul wriggling beasties from the deep, and on this level Snakehead Terror truly delivers. DinoCroc for his part gobbles up a child which, while not an absolute taboo, is still generally not considered overly sporting. It is actually genuinely fairly difficult as well to tell which of the characters are going to make it to the end, as they have not entirely obeyed the usual moral compass commensurate with such offerings (Making sarcastic or bullying remarks = dead. Having illicit nookie = dead. Being a scientist = horribly and lingeringly dead). The police chief in DinoCroc clearly didn't reach his position in life by asking people's opinion - blessed with the enviable luxury of actually having an international crocodile expert on hand, he responds with "Will someone get Dr Croc out of here?" Five minutes later, he re-enlists said doctor's aid with "I lost five of my best men just now. So what's your big plan?" In the face of such gross incompetence, conventional narrative requires that he offer his badge to the mayor and his head to the monster, but here it seems enough that he has learnt his lesson and lives to the end of the film a wiser and chastened individual.

Hollywood Health and Safety

2006-03-23T14:28:00.000+08:00

Continuing the discussion on Health and Safety practices in Hollywood movies (see Gere Change and Bottom Gere, below), someone (Simon, I believe?) comments: "Basic health and safety has long been overlooked by Hollywood with rare exceptions - such as the sublime moment in the otherwise execrable Alien 3 where one soon-to-be dead person explains to another the correct way of holding scissors."

I agree, and here's the thing: given the context of the situation, such a caution does indeed seem incongruous, even humorous. But imagine how bad you would feel if, having somehow escaped the relentless jet-black nemesis that is the Alien, you then go and have a silly accident with a pair of scissors? How futile would that be? You'd be gutted. Perhaps literally.

Can anyone think of other examples from movies where good health and safety procedure has been overlooked with tragic consequences? Or are there any cases where H&S standards have been successfully applied? Comments please.

People My Brother Jim Looks Like #4

2006-03-19T19:27:00.000+08:00

Undeniably a similarity with this chap from a recent Bailey's ad. Thanks to Sean for the heads-up, he says "if it doesn't pass the stringent qualifying criteria I'll eat my shorts (and Jim's as well - as long as he's washed them first)!" A very sensible proviso there, Sean.

People My Brother Jim Looks Like #3

2006-03-19T19:16:00.000+08:00

Chris suggests that Jim looks like Daniel Stern (Home Alone, City Slickers) - I can't see it personally, but judge for yourself.

Gere Change

2006-03-18T11:59:00.000+08:00

A great job by Sean with both the photoshop and the pun, here's how Richard Gere should look in the last scene of A Health and Safety-Compliant Officer and a Gentleman (see Bottom Gere, below), the timeless story of a man torn between love, duty, and basic safety precautions.

A Haiku about Culture

2006-03-17T14:21:00.000+08:00

Yanks! You talk too loud.
I would tell you to shut up
But I am English.

People My Brother Jim Looks Like #2

2006-03-16T18:54:00.000+08:00

And people insist he doesn't look like David Schwimmer but I say in this one, he does.

(nb. please note my punctuation in the original post, I am not trying to say Jim looks like Glamorgan. Or England.)

People My Brother Jim Looks Like #1

2006-03-16T18:46:00.000+08:00

People my brother Jim looks like: Jason Biggs from American Pie; Tom Green; Snooker player Anthony Hamilton; Adam Sandler; Simon Jones, Glamorgan and England.

Brokebrain Mountain

2006-03-14T16:32:00.000+08:00

Our flatmate from Mars continues to infuriate with her utter gormlessness. Anna recently went to see Brokeback Mountain. She didn't know it was about gay cowboys. She was shocked. The conversation went something like this:

Anna: So I went to see this movie called Brokeback Mountain and it turned out it was about gay cowboys and I was like, Oh my God!

Me: Anna, you must be the only person on the planet who didn't know it was about gay cowboys.

Anna: Well, nobody told me.

Me: Okay, so even leaving aside word of mouth, are you seriously saying that there has been nothing in the last three months to alert you to the existence of a controversial gay cowboy movie? No mention in newspapers, magazines, television or radio? Was there nothing about it at all on that "internet" thing that you spend all day on? Failing all of that, did you not even catch a glimpse of the movie poster on your way in? There were absolutely no clues at all?

Anna: Well if nobody tells me, how do I know? I mean, I don't know what Capote's about.

Me: It's about Capote.

Anna: Well what's a Capote?

Bottom Gere

2006-03-14T14:45:00.000+08:00

An Officer and a Gentleman was on the other day. I hate Richard Gere. I always have. I think it's the whole 'I'm a sex symbol and gosh, don't I know it' thing that gets me. Every woman wants him and even if he gets a hooker she turns out to be Julia Roberts. Bastard. But that final scene, where he walks into the factory in his full navy uniform and carries the girl off in his arms is just cringeworthy. It's porn for women is what it is. If it happened in real life it would just be embarrassing. Moreover, I don't think the foreman would let him onto the shop floor with all the machine tools without safety goggles on at least, maybe a hard hat as well. Health and safety first, romance second. On second thoughts, let him get a drill bit through the eye. He deserves it.

Sunday Sports Day

2006-03-13T13:13:00.000+08:00

I mean, really, how am I supposed to get any work done on a day like today? First England struggling against India in the second Test as the audio background to my Sunday afternoon mah-jong game, then a stonker of an opener to the new Formula 1 season, Alonso grabbing victory after edging out pole-sitter Schumacher. Man United beat Newcastle 2-0 but it should have been a rugby score, France beat England by - well, a rugby score - and if that's not enough, South Africa beat Australia by one wicket in THE greatest One Day International of all time. And you seriously expect me to get any writing done?

Cheating the Hangman?

2006-03-13T01:58:00.000+08:00

Slobodan Milosevic has been found dead in his cell this morning. I am hoping that the autopsy shows he was gang-raped to death by a group of militia, as that's the only fitting end for the man I can conceive of.

Aragorn's Uninspiring Speech

2006-03-13T01:52:00.000+08:00

Just watched Return of the King again and it occurred to me, not for the first time, how bad for morale Aragorn's pre-battle speech is as his troops line up in front of the Black Gate of Mordor.

To quote a couple of lines:

"I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me." (Great, so you're scared shitless as well!)
"There may come a day when we forsake our oaths and throw off all bonds of brotherhood.." (Well if we're all going to fall out later anyway, then frankly what's the point?)

Surely it would have been far better to say, "Men, you've already had one rousing call to arms in this film, can you try to remember it? I can't think of anything else to add. Raaaaaargh!"

On top of this it was to be considered that the massed ranks of Gondor are still having to swallow that this guy they've never seen before is now leading them into a seemingly unwinnable battle. (Sorry, who are you again? Strange elves reforging broken swords is no basis for a system of government! If I claimed to wield supreme executive power just because I turn up shortly after the last incumbent decided to set fire to himself and throw himself off a cliff (which I'm still a bit dubious about, frankly), they'd put me away! And another thing, why the hell did you let that ghost army go? They kicked arse! And you let them go! Bugger this, I'm off!)

Capote Review

2006-03-13T01:49:00.000+08:00

Is it possible for a film to be gratuitously non-violent? Or more precisely, lacking the requisite violence? This for me was a real undermining flaw in Capote, where the film's inciting incident, the savage and senseless murder of a family in their home in Kansas is treated with far too much restraint. It was precisely because the case was so shocking and indeed sensational that it attracted the morbid attentions of effete New York sophisticate Truman Capote as the subject for his seminal non-fiction novel In Cold Blood. In the film's treatment, his attraction to sensitive perpetrator Perry Smith is the basis of his desire to humanise the two men responsible. Am I missing the point then? No, because it seems to me that we have no sense of revulsion when we see the two killers in the early part of the film. Even when they are shown laughing and smiling at a photo shoot organised by Capote in the presence of the local lawman who was a friend of the murdered family, the effect is more awkwardness than the visceral sense of disgust which seems more appropriate. My point is that these two men are victims even from the outset so there is nothing to humanise.

Of course the film is not about the killers or the family. Like Capote's work, it is about him, and Philip Seymour Hoffman's portrayal captures his vanity and self-absorption very well. When Smith's tragic background strikes a chord with his own, it is not sympathy that comes across but rather a mirror for self pity - as a writer, any pain of others is really his own and he will shape and express it as he chooses. Consequently, his determination for the condemned men to stay alive and friendship towards them while he garners material for his book turns to frustration and resentment when they receive stays of execution that deny his book the final chapter. When, having reluctantly attended their hanging, he whines on the phone to Harper Lee that he will never get over it, she makes the point that he at least still alive.

Another trick has been missed in not calling the film 'In Cold Blood' as his book's title is of course the central irony to the film - Capote himself is the one who acts 'in cold blood', a point made explicit if anyone missed it by Chris Cooper's policeman. I've also always felt it a bit lame to simply name a biopic after its subject, relying on whatever connotations that name evokes, eg Nixon. (nb. have since learned that there was movie based on the book in the sixties).

It's unfair to say the film produces insufficent emotional response. What it provokes above all is a strong desire to punch Truman Capote's self-serving, self-obsessed, lying, arrogant, effeminate, whining face. His vanity is contrasted nicely with the genuine modesty of Harper Lee, whose book is better than his in any case in my not at all humble opinion. But since you can't punch him, you might as well do what my friend did and fall asleep.

Hamas Poor Yorick

2006-03-13T01:40:00.000+08:00

January 27th 2006

I bought the paper today after the Hamas victory in the Palestinian elections. The picture on the front had a group of Hamas members looking euphoric, but what was interesting was, one man in the near background was clearly listening to an iPod (the white headphones were the giveaway). What could he have been listening to? Here are some thoughts, in decreasing order of likelihood:

The Killers
Green Day: American Idiot
Franz Ferdinand (not the band, a recording of the 1914 assassination)
Audio book: The Five People (Not Including Your Forty Virgins) You Meet in Heaven
Go West (bank)
Al Aqua-eda: Al Zarqawi Girl, in Al Zarqawi World
Wham: Baby, I'm Your Imam
Ricky Gervais podcast
Carpenters: Yesterday Once More (an outside bet, but he did look like he almost had a tear in his eye)

Simon Dillon also suggested Kaiser Chiefs: I Predict a Riot

Disclaimer: this post does not necessarily reflect the views of the author and should not be reprinted in any major French newspapers.

Doom and Doomer

2006-03-13T01:21:00.001+08:00

If you see just one movie about a rough and ready space SWAT team despatched to investigate something gone horribly wrong at a outer-space facility possibly involving genetic experiments this year, make sure it's DOOM. As ever this classic conceit is fresh and original and this offering provides a crisp new take. And we really have to ask, given the slew in the 90s of such well-crafted and well-received releases as Super Mario Bros, Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, why on earth has it taken Hollywood so long to make more movies based on computer games?

The Rock looks like a demented Nasser Hussain -- possibly one who's been told he has to tour Zimbabwe again. Here he puts in his most convincing performance since 2004's Walking Tall, which was critically acclaimed, or at least acclaimed with criticism (What the hell did you rent that for?) Make no mistake though -- this man's eyeballs can act. Their dynamic screen presence alone more than makes up for any supposed inadequacies in The Rock's other thespian credentials. How Brendan Gleeson somehow fluked the part of Professor 'Mad Eye' Moody in Harry Potter is anyone's guess. The Rock for goodness' sake has not one Mad Eye but two! -- either of which would have excelled in the role. Perhaps he was deemed to be over qualified?

This seems as good a time as any to lament the paucity of pro-wrestlers in major cinematic roles. Surely anyone who has seen WWF or WCW knows that these men are some of the finest actors of our generation. Yet if they continue to be overlooked as at present, a vast body (literally) of talent may never make the transition from the canvas floor to the silver screen at all. That would be a great loss.

Karl Urban's portrayal of the brooding Reaper meanwhile demonstrates how his masterclass in moral fortitude and conflicted loyalty as Eomer in The Two Towers was clearly a stepping stone to this similar but much fuller role, possessing mythic stature and an elemental resonance far surpassing anything within the limited creative powers of that hack Tolkien.

The skilful handling by the director of some of the story's trickier points is also worthy of note. For example the fact that of the eighty or so scientists and civilians (including children) the team has been sent to rescue they fail to save a single one of them from being mutilated, eaten and/or turned into zombies -- could potentially be problematic. However this difficult issue is brilliantly resolved by having the viewer deeply and genuinely not care about them. Furthermore the inevitable but often unconvincing sciencey explanation bit in this case has been thoroughly researched and is startlingly believable (something about chromosomes or something). Other questions are really too straightforward to warrant serious response -- we know that scientists are a bit funny and not like the rest of us, so naturally they would build their research facility with mazes of dark corridors, sewers and seemingly vast complexes with only one small airlock in or out. Indeed I am embarrassed to even have mentioned it.

Let us not however forget the essential humanity of this film, which for this viewer was embodied in the moment near the end when one creature about to be blown up by a proximity mine in the final second realises his plight and performs a comedy double take. In that instant, this vile corruption, facing his imminent transport to that Undiscovered Country to which we all of woman born or otherwise created in a lab by accident must someday go, becomes as frightened and vulnerable as a little child.

Finally, great credit must go to the writers and the production team for their masterful use of cliché throughout. Everything -- every line, reaction, pause, fake shock, real shock, discovery of the truth of what-the-hell's-really-been-going-on-around-here-anyway to final denouement is so well observed and executed that it is difficult to be sure that this isn't a film we've seen already. Even the noble tradition established in the Alien/Predator franchises of having a black crewmember ill advisedly take on the monster in unarmed combat mano a monstro is reprised to good and welcome effect. To create a piece so artful that it can slip so easily, indeed almost unnoticed into its viewer's consciousness, must surely be the work of a master filmmaker.