The Analects of Bal

(as collected by his friends, the Prophets of Bal.)

In the academic year 2004/5, conscious that there walked among us a mind of considerable power and subtlety, I took care to write down as many as I could of the observations of our dear friend Ismael. My aim was that these great thoughts, combining depth of insight with tremendous felicity of expression, should not be lost to posterity. Then I lost them.

Recently unearthed again, I offer them to you now as an ongoing project to preserve and pass on his timeless wisdom. A more detailed discourse on the Bal's philosophy of Life and Bitches can be found in the works of Oliver Scanlan, notably Women -- They're As Evil As Skeletor I Tell You (Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 2004) and The Bat Effect: An Exposition (Durham: Hatfield Literary Review, 2005).

These fragmentary remarks are divided into three sections. The first group is made up of oft-repeated mantras well-known to the Bal's close followers. The second group represents insights specific to time and place. The third list is apocryphal, comprising sentiments the Bal is not known to have uttered at any point. These last should thus be considered non-canonical.

Part 1: The General Sayings

• Whaaaaaaaaat?
• Fuuuuuuuuck!
• And at (insert activity here), I was the best.
• Shit, man! How am I supposed to (insert activity here)?
• Hey you guys, what time do we have class?
• What? We have class now? Right now? Shit!
• Shut up, bitch!
• Shut up, stupid bitch!
• They are all bitches.
• Fook oof!
• Shit, man, she is fit!
• What what what what what?
• How do you say (eg. transsubstantiate, cryogenic, circumnavigate etc.) in English?
  
  

Part 2: The Contextual Sayings

• In England, I am as sexy as a donkey.
• Have you ever held a brain in your hand?
• How do you say in English, 'I want to supervise the rape of your daughters?'
• Look at that ass! I tell you man, those trousers don't lie!
• My roommate, he is all the time wonking (sic).
• I have two questions...
• (in the third or fourth final year dissertation workshop) What's a dissertation?
• (Observing female pedestrians on the drive home) I would fuck with her... I would fuck with her... with her... I would not fuck with her... I would- hey that one, I think I did fuck with her!
  

Part 3: The Non-Sayings

• I have no opinion on this matter.
• I am sure she has a nice personality.
  

If you can recall other notable sayings of the Bal, you are highly encouraged to add them below. This will increase the body of knowledge available for future scholarship.