Malaysia Ends 30-Year False Teeth Career

From the Instant Noodles files...

Charlie: Finally in Malaysia today for this story - Malaysia ends 30-year false teeth career. Now actually, it wasn’t the teeth that were false – it was the career! Police recently arrested a Malaysian man who has practiced as a dentist for 29 years despite having no medical training.

Andrew: Well, practice makes perfect I guess!

Charlie: The 63 year-old man used to treat his patients in a cast-off examining chair from the 1940s. What knowledge of dentistry the man had came from when he was assistant to an army dentist in the 1960s and 70s. He would carry the real dentist’s bags when he visited plantation workers.

Andrew: Wow. What would it be like as an army dentist?

Charlie: I think it would be something like: "Get ready for extraction! We’re pulling out! Look out, boys, here comes the gas!"

Andrew: "Don’t pull a tooth til you see the whites of their eyes!"

Charlie: What do you call an army dentist anyway?

Andrew: I don’t know.

Charlie: A drill sergeant.

Andrew: That’s bad.

Charlie: Anyway, the wannabe dentist would watch the real dentist diagnose and give treatment, and he said he watched how the real dentist would extract teeth and take measurements for dentures. Later on, when he was told he was too old to be a dentist’s assistant any more, the man successfully convinced his neighbors that he himself was a retired army dentist. And thus started a long and until recently successful career doing extractions and supplying dentures. Health officials raided his place after a tip-off and apparently it took six men to carry off his chair, which had been tossed out by the army in 1978.

Andrew: Have you had any bad experiences with dentists?

Charlie: Once – shortly after I arrived in Taiwan actually – I went to a dentist as I’d noticed some bleeding from the gums when I brushed my teeth. And the dentist said this could be caused by gingivitis. Or, he said, maybe I had AIDS.

Andrew: What!

Charlie: Yes, which I don’t think is something any healthcare professional should say lightly. I don’t have gingivitis either, I might add.

Anyway, the Malaysian amateur dentist sounded like a bit of a joker as well. Here’s how we at Instant Noodles envisioned the scene…

Patient: Thanks for seeing me at short notice, none of the other dentists could give me an appointment.

Dentist: Well, that’s the other dentists for you, isn’t it? Have a seat there.

Patient: Wow, your dentist chair looks really old.

Dentist: Ah, they don’t make them like they used to, do they? Sit yourself down, you know the drill.

Patient: The what!?

Dentist: Haha, just my little joke there, the drill. Haha. Maybe later! No, please. Now before we start I’d just like to ask you a question.

Patient: What’s that?

Dentist: Is it safe?

Patient: What?

Dentist: Is it safe?

Patient: Oh God, you’re that evil Nazi dentist from the movie Marathon Man. Help! Help!

Dentist: Is it safe? Ah no, I’m just messing with you. Just having a little – is it safe?

Patient: Help! Aaargh.

Dentist: No, I’m just messing, just a little joke. Help you relax.

Patient: Well you can help by looking at my teeth.

Dentist: Of course. Let’s have a look here. Say ‘ah.’

Patient: Aaaaah.

Dentist: Say sagamaloola.

Patient: Ah-ah-ah-oo-aa

Dentist: Say mechicka boola

Patient: Eh-ih-ah-oo-ah.

Dentist: Put ‘em together and what have you got?

Patient: Huh?

Dentist: I’m sorry, the answer was bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Let’s see now. Good Lord! One of your teeth has swollen up and turned pink!

Patient: At by ung!

Dentist: It’ll have to come out, where’s my big tweezers? (muffled protest) What’s that?

Patient: That’s not a tooth, it’s my tongue!

Dentist: I knew that.

Patient: You do know about teeth, don’t you?

Dentist: Of course! There’s the insiders, the carbines, the bicustards and the moles. Then there’s the magical wisdom teeth, who know the answer to any question – woooh!

Patient: No, that’s wrong. All wrong. None of that was right. Are you even a certified dentist?
Dentist: Well, I am certified.

Patient: Right, I’m out of here.

Dentist: No, wait, one moment. Sir!

Patient: What?

Dentist: Is it safe?

Patient: Argh! Let me out of here! Argh! You freak!

Originally broadcast on Instant Noodles for RTI on August 23rd, 2007. Listen to this week's show online at http://english.rti.org.tw/ - Listen - Thursday.