Poseidon Absenture
Better effects, weaker characters, badly paced series of set-pieces. Hello, I'm a remake!
posted by Charlie @ 6:58 pm
Charlogy Online
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Better effects, weaker characters, badly paced series of set-pieces. Hello, I'm a remake!
Charlogy Online
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33 Comments:
I refuse to see this travesty, the original was a masterpiece of the highest order.
That is all.
I can't remember the original. So what might happen is this: I happen to see the remake and think, 'Oh, that's not too bad!' Then sometime later I'll accidentally stumble upon the original on an obsure tv channel late at night (when I should be sleeping), and i'll think how superior it was in comparison to the utter remade pile of turd-encrusted pants!
This is a remake which has a feel of, 'Well, you know how it goes so we won't bother to tell the story properly this time'. The boat gets creamed barely five minutes in so we get no time to know the characters. But compared to the non-existent subsequent character development, it's a luxury. The original was great, Gene Hackman's hellfire preacher leading the way - you were obviously doing something more worthwhile at Christmas in the 80s Sean. But this - it's my own fault, I broke my rule about seing films that have Kurt Russell in them.
Oh yeah, I think I remember, is this the rule: avoid anything starring Kurt Russell except 'Escape From New York'?
Actually I haven't seen Escape From New York, not sure if that's a consequence of my Kurt policy or just a coincidence. Also stay clear of films with Steven Seagal or Goldie Hawn (so avoid Executive Decision and Overboard, as they have the aforementioned PLUS Kurt Russell) and more recently Extreme Prejudice is also applied to the work of Rob Schneider and Martin Lawrence.
I have a "No Jean Claude van Damme" policy myself.
Kurt Russell has been in at least one good film (Breakdown - an enjoyable B-movie-ish cross between Duel and Deliverance). Oh, and he was in the Thing as well.
Subconciously I developed a 'No Dolph Lundgren' policy but that was after seeing Rocky IV, which coincidentally made me consider adopting a 'No Sylvester Stallone' policy! Fortunately I didn't stick to the later otherwise I'd have missed out on the excellent Rocky V. (Wait a moment - I did miss out on Rocky V after hearing it wasn't so excellent. Mmm, decisions, decisions - do I develop that later policy or not...?)
Gentlemen,
I am a free lance scientist and what you have all just experinced is technically known as a 'judder'.
I happen to have a 'no quality' policy when it comes to video rental. Why agonise over the adundant choice of life enriching tales, or heros and hardship when you can employ my patented solution to rental decisions?
Its easy, just follow the list below. If you can say "No." or even "No!" to 3 or more, then it's a winner!
Q1 - Does the box have any quotes on it?
Q2 - Does the title have sufficent originality to ensure that the makers are not trying to cash in on other films of a similar genre?
Q3 - Have you heard of the lead actor?
Q4 - Do the pictures on the back display modesty and restraint, especially when showing the entirely plot-necessary girl-on-girl mud wrestling section?
Q5 - Does the ploy synopsis tell you anything at all about the film?
Q6 - Did you pick the box up in full view of your rental fellows scattered around the shop?
Thanks to Simon for putting me onto your blog - what's your email address again Charles?
OK, plenty of points to pick up on here. Firstly, though not widely acknowledged, Rocky IV was a ground-breaking movie in several ways. The first feature-length motion picture to be composed almost entirely of montages, a landmark for the MTV generation. Its contribution to ending the Cold War likewise cannot be underestimated, where unfortunately Orlando Bloom's Kingdom of Heaven failed to do the same for the War on Terror.
Lucky you didn't swear off Stallone after that one, Sean - you would have missed 1995's awe-inspiring Judge Dredd. Sorry, I meant awful-inspiring.
Mark - I heartily agree with your criteria, and can attest to the many enjoyable evenings we've had as a result of such a rigorous selection standard. After all, we had Sunday evenings for soul-searching and life-changing messages - weekdays it should be Leprechaun in da Hood all the way! I think you would also enjoy my reviews of Snakehead Terror and Dinocroc (see March archive) - I dare say you're familiar with these oeuvres. Also, wasn't DOOM a great film!
I found DOOM to be an immensely satisfying film. I managed to catch most of an interview with Mr The Rock, who spoke of the grilling army like lifestyle he subjected himself to in order to get into character. He even got up early most mornings to the sound of a loud trumpet *insert own joke here*
It is doubless this kind of dedication that led to his broody master class in game-to-film conversions. Easily the best part of the film was when it switched to 'game mode' and the audience switched to 'laugh mode'.
Anyone can choose and sit through reputable films, but it takes real dedication to find a stinker, watch it and find redeeming qualities.
I salute you all!
"Leave anything for us John?"
"Just bodies"
Thanks for everything Arnie.
Welcome to our international discussion group Mark, we now have the following nations represented here:
Taiwan
Finland
Scotland
East Boldon
Tyneside
As for Kurt Russell, he would join Jean Claude van Damme in Room 101 if I had the chance. That is all I will say about him!
I hope that was a bluff, Chris, otherwise you've publically announced the best way for the Ministry of Love to break you - careless!
Mark my e-mail is charliestorrar@yahoo.co.uk
Don't know about a trumpet, but I often wake up with a horn...
Is that along the lines you were thinking of?
Not quite with you there Chuck, parlez-vous encore un fois s'il vous plait.
Well, taking Room 101 in the Orwellian rather than the TV show sense, in a place where your torturers will use your own worst nightmares against you, you have revealed that all your interrogators need to is place you in front of a monitor showing Universal Soldier in a perpetual loop and you will be loving Big Brother in no time. Also in the Orwellian rather than TV show sense - although having said that, they both signify the death of the spirit.
Or if you meant the other thing, that was a joke bout having an erection in the morning.
Yes it was the first one! Well, they can try to show me Universal Soldier all they want, but I'll just sleep through it.
Chris - thanks for the official welcome. Since I *work* in Morpeth and post my comments from there I would also like to respresent Northumberland, until such time as a more suitable representative can be found. I imagine that someone who was born around these parts and grew up here would be best placed to do this. Once I identify them, it should take only a few short years to teach them basic literacy skills. Not that they are all big, illiterate, inbred, hunch backed freaks. Some of them are more of an "average" height.
I only glanced through the past couple of posts but it all seemed to be about getting erections while watching Universal Solidier. I can only imagine that the sight of Dolph Lungren imediately made everyone think they were watching Showdown in little Tokyo starring Dolph, but more importantly Tia Carrere - hence the aforementioned stimulation.
I personally belive that it has been far too long since I heard anyone quote Waynes World, so in light of that and in deference to Tia, I for one would like to say "Schwing!"
Last night I watched most of National Treasure and decided I would have enjoyed the film 457% more if it had been called "National Arse". This would have also given me a significant insight into the what I was investing those 2 hours of my life into.
Always remember you're unique.
Just like everyone else.
Interesting, two of my housemates happen to come from Blythe and they are indeed quite tall. Must be all that coal they eat.
Please pay more attention, Mark, I don't believe anyone got an erection as a result of watching Universal Soldier, unless they were so bored they went to put up a shed instead, which seems unlikely.
As a matter of fact I referenced Wayne's World just the other day: 'My girlfiend's in there!' 'A LOT of people's girlfriends are in there.'
National Treaure... shall we add Nicholas Cage to the list? You did get me thinking though - we should have a National Arse! Here are some candidates:
Paul Gascoigne
John 'Two Shags' Prescott
David Brent
Kenneth Calman, VC of Durham University
George Galloway (although he'd probably rather be International Communist Arse)
Now now Charlie, no need to tar those folk with Calman's brush!
Can I also add Natalie Portman? From a promising start in The Phantom Menace, she has declined rapidly, culminating so far in the most horrendous English accent I have ever heard in V for Vendetta. Helga Von Genschlauff (sp?) would have done better I dare say!
Ooh, ooh! You forgot Red Ken...
Not denying the quality of Ms Portman's arse, but I think if we stuck to British candidates it would be more appropriate.
It's almost impossible for British to compete with American arses on any level, no matter how good their accent.
Yes, I agree. Perhaps George Lazenby then? Poor Tim Dalton cops all the flak, but Lazenby was the only let-down Bond for me.
An interesting candidate, but unfortunately cannot he considered as he is in fact Australian...
Yikes, I go off-line for a few days and suddenly the Charlogy goes beserk! Who is this Langdown cause it looks like this is where he's cashing in!? (Note to self - he's not a competitor, but he's good... real good...!)
Got to stay ahead of the game Sean, you snooze, you lose!
Yes, looks like my readers have now swelled to three. Is this blog big enough to take it? Watch this space!
Good question, especially as this post has broken the comments record!
Well done all, kudos for you, promotions all round.....
Tell them there is one in their city who grrrants wishishishisheshsiesh..ies.
Sean; hello, good morning and bonjour.
Charles, no doubt you have picked up Phil by now and are trying to entertain him while he visits. I feel I should warn you that there are a few simple instructions you must be aware of whilst he is in your care.
Rule #1 - Keep him away from light; Rule #2 - Don't get him wet; and Rule #3 - What ever you do, don't feed him after midnight.
"Hey Bennet, why don't you let off some steam." - Arnold "Shakespeare" Schwarznegger
Oh dear - it was raining quite heavily this evening when we went out for dinner, and despite best efforts Phil may have sustained some degree of dampening. But he shows no signs of snacking so that's encouraging.
"When I told you I'd kill you last... I liiiieeed."
Yes I hope Knotty has a good trip with you Chas. I want to see evidence of that here on the Charlogy. He needs to be initiated: perhaps get him to eat some chicken claws (before he writes something)!
"If it bleeds we can keil it!"
I certainly hope that you are taking Phil down to all the local shops so he can stock up on the latest gadgets for knock down prices!
"You wouldn't kill your wife?"
He shoots her, point blank between the eyes and says
"Consider that a divorce."
OSCAR. right now.
Just make sure the local shops don't include the local 'masseuse'!
"I vant your clothes, your boots unt your movie quotes quiz for my friend Mark!"
http://www.funtrivia.com/quizzes/movies/people_themed_s-z/arnold_schwarzenegger.html
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