Who's Laughing Now? New Look England Ashes Side

Sean told me yesterday that Harmison's first ball of the long awaited Ashes series, bowled to Andrew Flintoff at second slip rather than Aussie opener Justin Langer reminded him of "one of those bungled efforts from a Tommy Cooper Christmas Special." And it got me thinking. Given this debacle of a performance, for the next test we should get rid of these current jokers and field a team of proper comedians. So with that in mind, here's my all new XI.


First we need a solid and established opening partnership and I think it's hard to look beyond Morecambe and Wise. Especially come the Christmas Test, as their record in the holiday season is impeccable. For years, the festive season has always drawn a special performance from this pair. And while this joke has been made a million times since last year, our best chance to retain the Little Urn is to have one in our side.

At three I'm dropping Ian Bell for Mr Bean. With a simple, uncomplicated technique, he's had success all over the world showing he is well able to adapt to all conditions.






At four I want a gritty northerner and while there's plenty to choose from, I think I'm going to go with Les Dawson. He'll look like a bulldog at the crease and respond to Aussie sledging with remarks about their mothers-in-law.



At five it's got to be KD. Whereas Boycott famously boasts of playing indifferent bowling with a stick of rhubarb, Ken Dodd will tickle Brett Lee to the boundary with his feather duster. Like Kevin Pieterson, Ken's attracted some criticism for his decision to leave the country of his birth, but the fact is it has nothing to do with his true loyalties, he just did it for tax reasons.

Six was tricky. Sellers, Cook, Hancock, Milligan and even Cribbins all have their supporters and all are capable of coming in and doing a job. But in the end I've gone for Kenneth Williams. Not since Nasser Hussain has England had a performer who could flare his nostrils so effectively. And as for coping with sledging? Forget it. Fifteen minutes of 'Ooh, matron!'s will make the Aussies realise their crude innuendoes are no match for a master of the form.


Much has been made of the debate as to which of the Two Ronnies should keep wicket. Conventional wisdom holds that Barker is the better bat, Corbett the better keeper. And while Corbett's ability to keep up a constant stream of chatter to unnerve and irritate the batsman is undisputed, I'm a little concerned about his tendency to digress in the middle of an anecdote. Such lapses in concentration could cost us dearly. It's for that reason I'm plumping for Ronnie Barker. He'll stick to the crease like porridge and help us stodge our way out of a sticky situation. Also, should the unthinkable happen and we do lose Little Urn, Barker can move up the order and open all hours.


Now for the bowling. An untimely injury to Norman Pace has robbed the side of a likely matchwinner. I'm going to put my faith in the long limbs of John Cleese. His freakish height will surely help us exploit that extra bounce that you get at the WACA. We just have to cross our fingers and hope that his trademark silly run-up doesn't cost us too much in no-balls. For Anderson (Jimmy) read Anderson (Clive). A real prospect, this one - his wit is lightning fast, a good two yards quicker than anyone else on the circuit at present, with the possible exception of Stephen Fry.

Now to choose a spinner. In a way it's tempting to go with the solid slow left arm of Edmonds (Noel) but to be honest I think he's one performer who even in his heyday was too inocuous to do much damage. So I'm going for the crazy googlies of Marty Feldman. The Tufnell of the 60s comedy scene: unpredictable, even violent, but ultimately he has that mesmeric quality you look for in your spinner. The batsman tries to read his eyes rather than the ball and consequently gets beaten all ends up.

I'm taking a risk with my final selection, but I believe Borat could be our mystery bowler. Born in Kazakhstan, he's an unknown quantity to the Aussies and since bursting on to the county scene he's impressed with his ability to have opponents caught out, often in embarrassing ways, before they realise what's happening. His talents could certainly Make Benefit Glorious Cricket Team of England.

Unfortunately, at least half this team is dead. Even so, they couldn't do much worse than the present bunch, could they? And this way, even if we lose we guarantee we'll still have the ashes to take home with us.