Kimono Dragons -- The Rise of the Ladyboy Lizards (from this week's Instant Noodles - online now!)

(Extract from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online now at http://english.rti.org.tw until March 18).

According to new research by Australian and South African scientists, young male lizards in South Africa imitate females so that older aggressive males will leave them alone. Younger male Augrabies flat lizards (pictured) will delay displaying the extravagant coloration of sexually-mature males until they are able to defend themselves adequately.

In a masterstroke of evolutionary craftiness, this behaviour not only ensures the transvestite male avoids beatings from the alpha lizards but also gives him access to previously off-limits females. "These shemales are making the best of a bad situation," as one Australian professor put it.

But there is a drawback. Dominant males are able to detect transvestite male hormones with their sensitive tongues. Ladyboy lizards must thus be nimble enough to avoid being defrocked by a wandering tongue - a nasty surprise for all involved, no doubt.

Now, inspired by this story and classic cross-dressing comedy Some Like It Hot, Instant Noodles now presents: Some Like It Cold (Blooded).

(In Kruger National Park, young male lizard Nate is chatting up female lizards Zena and Meera.)

Nate: ...and I hear it again! He's repeating everything I say! So in the end I turn round and say, ‘Excuse me. Is there a gecko in here?'

Zena: Hahaha! Nate, you are so funny!

Meera: Funny and cute.

Nate: Well, I try. So are you ladies busy at all, say Friday?

Zena: Sorry, Nate. I’ve a date with Craig on Friday.

Nate: Ah, Craig. The Alpha lizard. How about Saturday?

Zena: Oh I couldn’t! Craig would be jealous. He has such a temper.

Nate: Fine, whatever! Meera, Saturday?

Meera: Um, Craig’s with me on Saturday.

Nate: What? Zena, you know about this?

Zena: Yes, but he’s the alpha lizard…

Nate: What, so he gets to double up but no-one else does. Yeah, that’s fair.

Meera: But he’s the alpha lizard.

Nate: He’s a greedy lizard, that’s what he is.

Zena: Craig said he’s the alpha lizard and we should be grateful.

Nate: Alpha lizard my – Look, let me tell you about Craig. He gets everything he wants because he’s slightly bigger. That’s all. Slightly bigger. He has no personality because he doesn’t need one. He’s no abilities, but who cares? He’s slightly bigger! He’s a slightly bigger stupid tedious bully! And don’t get me started on his looks! He is so ugly that – you’ve gone quiet…

Craig: Oi!

Nate: He’s behind me, isn’t he?

Meera: Yes.

Nate: Yup.

Craig: What are you creeping around for, shorty?

Nate: Hi Craig, I was saying what a great sense of humour you have.

Craig: I know. I heard.

Nate: My. You really are… slightly bigger, aren’t you?

Craig: Slightly.

Nate: No wonder you’re the alpha lizard.

Craig: And don’t forget it.

Nate: Well, I’ll be off then.

Craig: Yes you will. And if I ever catch you dragging your belly round here again, you’re dead. Come on, girls. (they go off.)

Nate: Foiled again! There’s got to be a way to gain access to these females without provoking Craig…Maybe… with a little dressing up… a touch of make-up… and Nate becomes Natalie!

(Some time later)

Nate (in high-pitched voice): And so he says to her, ‘I don’t know what you want from me, Iguana!’ and she says, ‘Iguana be left alone!’

Zena and Meera: Hahaha!

Meera: Oh Natalie, you’re so funny!

Nate: Well, what a lovely shopping trip that was, we three ladies.

Zena: Yes, I love your new kimono!

Nate: I’ll wear it tonight -- at our sleepover!

Meera: Oh yes!

Zena: I can’t wait!

Nate: We can talk about our fantasy lizards.

Meera: Ooh, fun!

Nate: Mine has a stegosaurus head, a velociraptor’s legs! And Godzilla’s… tail!

Zena: Hahahaha!

Meera: You are so funny!

Zena: Yeah! You’re like the girl version of this guy we know, Nate…

Nate: Nate, you say? Is he cute?

Meera: Kinda.

Nate: Cuter than Craig?

Zena: Yes.

Nate: Cuter and funnier…and he’s nicer than Craig too, right?

Meera: Oh definitely!

Nate: Well then, you must introduce me to this Nate!

Zena: Funny, Nate suddenly seems more attractive now you’ve said that.

Nate: Yes! Yes! We want to mate with Nate!

Zena: Hahaha! That’s so funny!

Meera: That’s totally what Nate would say!

Nate: Well, ladies, wait to mate with Nate no more! Ta-da! (removes dress to gasps from lady lizards.)

Zena: Nate! It’s you!

Nate: None other!

Meera: But you’re wearing women’s clothes!

Nate: So?

Zena: You’re a shemale!

Meera: A cross-dresser!

Nate: I prefer the term Kimono dragon myself. Haha! Ha?

Zena: Whatever.

Meera: Well, this is… disappointing.

Zena: Yes, we were sick of Craig and his chauvinism and you seemed like a nice guy.

Nate: I am a nice guy!

Meera: But you’re not interested in girl lizards, are you?

Nate: No! You’re wrong! I am interested! In fact, that’s the whole reason I’m doing this!

Zena: What? You were dressing up in women’s clothes to get close to us?

Nate: Yes! Isn’t that funny?

Meera: No! It’s abhorrent!

Zena: Urgh! You saw me trying on underwear and everything!

Nate: Hey, I said it looked great, didn't I?

Meera: Pervert!

Zena: Come on, Meera, let’s go.

Nate: Can I call you later?

Zena and Meera: No!

Zena: Wait til Craig hears about this…(exit)

Nate: (sighs) Women! Talk about cold-blooded! How could this get any worse?

Craig: ‘Ello, gorgeous! Haven’t seen you round here before…

To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.