Genie in a Cellphone

(from the files of Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly take on the stranger news from the Asia-Pacific region, written and performed by Charlie Storrar and Andrew Ryan. Stream it online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Bangladesh: Police in the north of the country say they have arrested dozens of swindlers who conned people out of money by calling them pretending to be genies with magical powers, according to AFP.The con artists would first gather information about their victims before calling them in "a tone similar to Arabic" and claiming to have supernatural powers. Saying they were genies descended from the sky, they would threaten a family tragedy unless the victims sent them money.

Now this is not the kind of behaviour we expect from genies, who surely are supposed to do nice things in line with the bidder's wishes. We at Instant Noodles dislike nuisance calls of any kind. But what if someone called you up genuinely offering you three wishes?

(phone conversation)

Man: Hello?

Caller: Hello, I'm calling to ask if you are happy with your current cell phone plan.

Man: Quite happy, thank you.

Caller: Would you be interested in upgrading to our Platinum Genie calling plan?

Man: No, I think I'm quite-

Caller: If I could just take a minute of your time-

Man: (sighs) Go on then...

Caller: With the Platinum Genie plan you get extra talk time at evenings and weekends, unlimited text messages and three wishes.

Man: Look, I think I've made it clear I'm not -- wait, what was that last part?

Caller: Unlimited text messages.

Man: No, not that part, the other part.

Caller: Oh, you get three free hours of talk time per month to selected friends and family-

Man: No! The last thing you said, about the wishes!

Caller: Oh yes, you get three wishes.

Man: What kind of wishes?

Caller: As a signing-on bonus you get three wishes to fulfill the deepest desires of your heart.

Man: What? You're kidding, right?

Caller: No no, it's all part of our new offer.

Man: So I could wish for anything?

Caller: Uh... yeah, it's in the contract, so yeah.

Man: Huh.

Caller: But we are obliged to warn customers to be careful what they wish for.

Man: What does that mean?

Caller: Well, for instance, possessing infinite wealth may not necessarily make you happy.

Man: Okay.

Caller: Also, once you get to know her, the most beautiful woman in the world is actually kind of annoying.

Man: Really.

Caller: Seriously. Make sure you wish for infinite wealth first, you'll need it when you see what she's bought on your credit card.

Man: Wait. So you're signed up to this plan yourself, then?

Caller: Was.

Man: Why "was?"

Caller: Well that was my third wish, wasn't it? To cancel the contract.

Man: Sounds like it wasn't working out for you.

Caller: I wish I'd never heard of it. Unfortunately, I'm all out of wishes.

Man: So why are you trying to sell it to me?

Caller: No choice, see. They took away the woman and the infinite wealth... but not the credit card bill...

Man: Ah.

Caller: So now I'm working in this call centre.

Man: I see. You know what, I think I'm going to pass.

Caller: Fair enough. But just to let you know, as a long-time customer, you're eligible for one free wish.

Man: I am?

Caller: Yeah.

Man: And I can wish for anything?

Caller: Anything at all.

Man: Okay. I wish you people would stop calling me at dinner time.

Caller: Oh. Except for that. Sorry.

(You can listen to this week's Instant Noodles by going to english.rti org.tw and clicking on one of the two media player icons next to Thursday on the left hand side of the page. When your media player opens, move playback bar to approx 25 minutes in.)

Bird's Eye: The Pigeon Art Fanciers

From the files of Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly wrap of the stranger news from the Asia-Pacific region...

Pigeons like these pictures: Toulouse-Lautrec and Jackson Pollock.

Japan: Researchers at Tokyo's Keio University say this week that pigeons have "advanced perceptive abilities" and can distinguish between good and bad paintings in the same way that humans do, according to AFP.

This research comes to us courtesy of the same team that previously established that pigeons can tell a Monet from a Picasso (that is to say, they can tell a blurry face from a blocky face.)

For this experiment the researchers took paintings by elementary school children which were then sorted into "good" and "bad" by a control group of teachers and other adults (presumably not including the children's parents). Over the course of a month, the pigeons were rewarded for pecking at the good pictures, to the point where they could judge paintings they had not seen before on their artistic merit.

This represents a broadening of artistic horizons for the humble pigeon. In the past their artistic tastes have been expressed largely via the targeting of statues and sculptures. Now they are ready to run their beady eye over some of the world's great masterpieces. Let us now join two pigeons as they enjoy a stroll around their favourite art museum -- the Coo-ggenheim!

(harp music dissolve)

Pigeon 1: Ah, I do so adore the work of Toulouse-Lautrec.

Pigeon 2: As do I, the Bohemian nightlife of fin-de-siecle Paris...

Pigeon 1: You really feel like you could be walking around those same filthy Montmartre streets.

Pigeon 2: Strutting around people's ankles...

Pigeon 1: Yes, and pecking up the food they drop.

Pigeon 2: So vivid.

Pigeon 1: Marvelous.

Pigeon 2: This, now! -- this is genius!

Pigeon 1: Yes indeed. Jackson Pollock.

Pigeon 2: A master.

Pigeon 1: Absolutely. So rare to find a human who appreciates the beauty of the perfect splat.

Pigeon 2: Very rare. I especially like the thickness of the plops.

Pigeon 1: Oh, I adore them all -- the thick ones, the stringy ones, the dribbly ones...

Pigeon 2: Seemingly random yet brilliantly orchestrated.

Pigeon 1: And to think he couldn't even fly!

Pigeon 2: Yes, that's the amazing thing.

Pigeon 1: For a land-based mammal to have such an eye for the trajectory, the speed of approach...

Pigeon 2: An instinctive feel for vector.

Pigeon 1: For vector, as you say. Truly sublime.

Pigeon 2: And the colours as well!

Pigeon 1: Oh yes -- I mean, to produce such diversity of colour... I can only imagine what he had to eat!

Pigeon 2: Yes, I'm not surprised he died so young...

This post is an extract from last week's edition of Instant Noodles. Listen to this week's show online now at http://english.rti.org.tw (Thursday).

The Matchmaker's Apprentice

(From this week's Instant Noodles -- RTI's weekly take on the lighter news from the Asia Pacific region. Stream it online at english.rti.org.tw)

South Korea: Nearly 400 men between the ages of 26 and 49 have applied to marry a millionairess who advertised for a soulmate. The 49-year-old millionairess doesn't have time to vet them all herself, being a high-powered businesswoman, so she's taken on a matchmaking service to help her whittle down the candidates to the most "serious-minded."

Doctors, lawyers, accountants, soldiers, teachers, bank workers and civil servants are just some of those who have thrown their varied hats in the ring and eight have now been selected for the final round.

We at Instant Noodles were privileged to have a behind the scenes look at the last-- Okay, obviously we weren't but you know the shtick. Join us now for what we imagine to be a cross between The Bachelor and The Apprentice...


(Bouncy intro music. Voiceover: They nauseated you in The Bachelor! Their aggressive smug posturing infuriated you in The Apprentice! Now they face their toughest challenge yet as they prepare to face -- their Matchmaker!)

Scene: a boardroom. The three final contestants sit facing The Matchmaker)

Matchmaker: Thank you for coming, gentlemen. As you know, our mission is to find a suitable husband for our CEO. Are there any questions before we start? Yes.

Candidate 2: Will we get to meet the lady at any point?

Matchmaker: I’m sorry, she’s a very busy woman. Okay, let’s start with you -- number one.

Candidate 1: Yes.

Matchmaker: It says here you’re 23.

Candidate 1: That’s right.

Matchmaker: You know that’s very young for the position

Candidate 1: Don’t be fooled. I’ve achieved more already than most people three times my age. I give 120 percent 150 percent of the time and I don’t know the meaning of the word failure.

Matchmaker: I see. Fan of The Apprentice, I'm guessing?

Candidate 1: Never miss it.

Matchmaker: Right.

Candidate 1: I’ve seen 170 percent of all the episodes.

Matchmaker: Yes… The problem is, you don’t really have any experience at this level. You’ve never been married.

Candidate 1: No, but I did once have a girlfriend who was very high maintenance.

Matchmaker: I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re suitable.

Candidate 1: I think you’re wrong.

Matchmaker: Let me put it like this. You have a 200 percent chance of not getting this job. Go away.

Candidate 1: You’ll regret this! I’ll marry my own 49-year-old and we’ll see who’s laughing then!

Matchmaker: Such horrid people you get on this show. Next, number two -- age 43, that’s a bit more like it. Experience… it says you have been married before.

Candidate 2: Yes, I’m divorced.

Matchmaker: Ah. So why did your first marriage fail?

Candidate 2: Well there wasn’t one single reason…

Matchmaker: But you must have done a performance review…

Candidate 2: Well I would like to think I’ve learned from my mistakes.

Matchmaker: Maybe. But we'd still have to carry out due diligence with your background. Frankly I don’t feel you deserve a second chance with an investment this size. Sorry. Next. Okay, number three, age 49, that’s good. You’ve been married before too I see. Divorced?

Candidate 3: Er no, I’m a widower.

Matchmaker: Hmm. Congratulations, you’re hired!

Candidate 3: Oh. Right. So, what happens now?

Matchmaker: I’ll just buzz you through. (buzz, door opening) Ma’am, we’ve found a husband for you, this is Mr…

Candidate 3: Kim.

Matchmaker: Mr Kim.

Bride: Nice to meet you, dear. Shall we? (Wedding march starts up)

Candidate 3: Oh. Er…

Bride: If we could be quick, I have a board meeting in ten minutes.

(Reading the script is all very well but how about hearing to the real thing as performed by Charlie and Andrew Ryan with silly voices, sound effects and everything! Listen to Instant Noodles by going to english.rti.org.tw then locating Thursday on the left hand side of the page. Click on one of the two media player icons next to Thursday and when your media player appears, move the playback bar to around 25 minutes in. It does work, honest.)

Gambling? That's an Academic Question

(from this week's Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly take on the stranger news from the Asia Pacific region. Listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Hanoi: Lecturers and officials from Vietnam's Finance Academy have been arrested for allegedly gambling on cards.

People from Vietnam are very fond of gambling (AFP said it, not me) on anything from cards to cock-fighting, even though the practice is outlawed.

Eight staff from the academy -- which trains people to work in the government and private financial sector -- were caught by police playing cards in the academy parking lot with a pot of 30 million dong (US$1,667) in the middle.

The argument that the card game was in fact a demonstration of statistics and applied economics apparently cut no ice.

Here's how Instant Noodles pictured the scene at the faculty meeting of the Vietnam Finance Academy's Institute of Advanced Poker...

Professor Ngo: Okay, gentlemen! Time to ante up with your financial forecasts. Professsor Nguyen, you’re first.

Professor Nguyen: Hmm. GM files for bankruptcy… but the stronger dollar and falling stock markets push oil back under seventy dollars a barrel. Raise you fifty. Professor Tran?

Professor Tran: I’ll see your analysis… and raise you on expectations of increased third quarter export volume ahead of abolishing tariffs with China. Doctor Pham, what about you?

Doctor Pham: I’m in. Tentative signs of recovery suggest a bottoming out of the recession with consumer confidence gradually increasing. What do you say, Professor Ngo?

Ngo: Well I think in line with Marxist-Leninist principles we should take all the chips and redistribute them equally.

(Pause, then everyone bursts out laughing.)

Nguyen: Ah, that’s a good one, Ngo!

Pham: You nearly had me there!

Ngo: Ha ha ha! No, seriously, I’ll call.

Tran: Okay gentlemen, what've you got?

Nguyen: (sighs, showing cards) Just a flush more busted than the subprime mortgage market. Queen high. Tran?

Tran: (showing cards) I’ve got a pair of commodities. Pham?

Pham: (showing cards) Full house, foreign exchange reserves over futures.

Ngo: Not bad, Pham. (showing cards) Except…. for my full set of Emirates… Read ‘em and weep!

Tran: Wow! That’s an Oil Flush!

Nguyen: Ngo, you sly bugger! With a poker face like that you’ll be minister within five years!

(Enter policeman)

Police officer: What’s going on here?

Nguyen: Hello officer. This? It’s just our regular Thursday night study group.

Police officer: Then why do you have a pack of cards?

Nguyen: Oh, they’re a statistical tool to demonstrate probability, that’s all.

Police officer: And why is there a big pile of money in the middle here?

Tran: It’s a stimulus package.

Police officer: I know what you’re up to. You’re gambling! Finance academy professors – you should know better!

Nguyen: Ah officer, didn’t you know? All finance is gambling!

Police officer: Well I’m confiscating these winnings as toxic assets! And you can explain your economic theories to the judge!

Tran: Uh oh – looks like we need a bail-out…

(Listening to Instant Noodles is actually quite easy. You're just not trying hard enough. First go to RTI's English homepage: english.rti.org.tw and see the days of the week helpfully displayed in the top left of the page. Click on one of the two media player icons next to Thursday. When your media player opens, move the playback bar to around 25 minutes in. Er, and that's it. Enjoy!)

Stand Up for the Bureaucrats!

(From this week's Instant Noodles -- our weekly wrap of the stranger news from the Asia Pacific region. Listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Japan's bureaucrats have been under fire of late, with the opposition accusing them of misspending taxpayers' money. The bureaucrats blasted their critics however with a withering volley of brilliantly timed and pithy put-downs.

Or at least, they should have done. They've been spending the taxpayer's yen on getting lessons in stand-up comedy.

More than one hundred employees at the ministry of transport were recently given lessons from professional comedians, apparently in an attempt to help them communicate with their clients, other staff members and just generally lighten up a bit.

The public may not find this use of their money to be so funny. But on the other hand, they won't be able to complain that the government has no sense of humour.

Officials within the ministry of transport however are reporting an elevated level of performance anxiety during ministry briefings as Instant Noodles discovered... (harp music)

Minister: Next the junior undersecretary for transport, Mr Takaga, will make his report.

(The junior undersecretary enters to a trombone riff.)

Undersecretary: Hi, how you doing? Great to be here. So I just flew in from Osaka – and boy, are my arms tired! 

(silence)

Undersecretary: Ha.. bit of an oldie to start, there… So anyone here in the Cabinet? Yes? Kinda cramped in there, isn’t it? 

(silence)

Undersecretary: I could have been in the cabinet except for my claustrophobia. (Paper rustling.) Okay, that’s the same gag, sorry. Mind you, I saw the employment minister’s routine last night – talk about some laboured jokes!

(Silence. A slight cough.) 

Undersecretary: But seriously, anyone here from Kyoto ? The transport is in great shape there in Kyoto … you've got car shaped, bus shaped… train shaped….ah…

Minister: Mr Undersecretary, are you going anywhere with this?

Undersecretary: Well this is the transport ministry isn’t it? We can go anywhere you like!

(This joke gets a slightly more positive response, which encourages the undersecretary).

Undersecretary: Haha, yes. As long as you’ve got the budget, that is. How about those budget cuts recently, you hear about that? Turns out they’re going to scrap the Bullet Train. Yeah. Too expensive. Next month we’ll all be riding the BB Express instead. Ha.

(Silence. Someone says, "I don’t get it.")

Undersecretary: Okay. Time for the good stuff. So we commissioned a white paper last month. Came back, there was nothing on it!

(Silence)

Undersecretary: 'Cos it was a white... paper… 

(cough)

Undersecretary: No? Whew, tough committee.

Heckler: You suck! (laughs)

Undersecretary: Hey, give me a break – it’s hard being up here, you know!

Heckler: Yeah? Try sitting down here!

Undersecretary: Minister, what do you say?

Minister: Mr Undersecretary...  you're fired!  

Heckler: Hahaha! You're fired! Like that show, The Apprentice!

Minister: Thank you, counselor, that was the joke.

(Listening to Instant Noodles online couldn't be simpler. Okay, actually, it could be a lot simpler. Don't get me started. But if you are determined you may succeed if the stars are correctly aligned. Go to our website english.rti.org.tw and see the days of the week in the top left of the page. Click on one of the media player icons next to Thursday. When media player opens, move the playback bar to around twenty five minutes in.)

Torture is an ugly word... I prefer the term "Celine Dion."

(from this week's Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly wrap of the odder news from the Asia-Pacific region -- listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Las Vegas: High roller sabotaged by bad feng shui.  A Taiwanese man who lost US$2 million in Las Vegas casino is planning to sue the casino for sabotaging his winning streak by undermining his room's feng shui. 

The man, Mr Yuan, claims the Venetian hotel/casino dug a one meter square hole in the wall of the presidential suite where he was staying and covered it with a black cloth. They also put out two white towels in front of his suite and turned on two large fans facing his room, flooding it with inauspicious qi.

Yuan claims his luck changed after he discovered these alterations, and he went from being US$400,000 up to being US$2 million in the hole. Yuan said, "We Chinese drape black and white cloths only when there is a death in the family. It is a taboo for regular people, let alone for gamblers," he said. He intends to sue for "feng shui sabotage" if the hotel fails to come up with "a reasonable solution."

Feng shui (風水, wind and water) is the ancient Chinese tradition of geomancy that seeks to channel energy through the arrangement of furniture and ornaments. 

From what I've seen of Las Vegas casinos in the movies however, we at Instant Noodles suspect they may not let Mr Yuan off the hook so lightly...

(doorbell)

Yuan: Yes?

Casino manager: Good evening, Mr Yuan. I see you are preparing to check out.

Yuan: You don't say! It's been a terrible weekend.

Casino manager:  Better luck next time. Before you go however, there is the unfortunate matter of your account.

Yuan: Ha! Forget it, I’m not paying.

Casino manager: That is unfortunate. May I ask why?

Yuan: Because your hotel has the worst feng shui!

Casino manager:  I am sorry to hear it. I am assured our kitchen uses only the finest ingredients.

Yuan: Not the catering! The room! I’m sorry, who are you again?

Casino manager:  I represent my associates in the ah… construction industry.

Yuan: Well kindly inform your associates in the construction industry on the right way to build a hotel. Look at this – black cloth on the wall, white towels on the rail... What, did somebody die?

Casino manager:  We are hoping that will not be necessary.

Yuan: As soon as I noticed the bad feng shui I started to lose. Whose fault is that?

Casino manager:  Sometimes it is wise to stop before your luck runs out.

Yuan: Wrong! It's your fault! That's why I'm not paying the debt.

Casino manager:  I'm sorry you feel this way. That is... unfortunate.

Yuan: I agree. Very unfortunate!

Casino manager:  Perhaps you would reconsider.

Yuan: No!

Casino manager:  Then I'm afraid you leave me no choice, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: Are you threatening me? W-What's that you’re holding?

Casino manager:  You force me to give you this  complimentary  ticket.

Yuan: Ticket for what?

Casino manager:  Celine Dion, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: Celine Dion? A-Are you threatening to torture me?

Casino manager: Torture is such an ugly word, Mr Yuan. I prefer the term… Celine Dion.

Yuan: No! You can't intimidate me like this!

Casino manager:  Front row seats, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: Do you know who I am? You can't subject me to this kind of...

Casino manager:  Her heart will go on and on, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: No! No! Not that! Anything!

Casino manager:  And if you still need time to think, we can take you backstage at the tiger show…

Yuan: (frightened squeak)

Casino manager:  Let me be blunt, Mr Yuan. Settle your account within an hour or me and my associates will be round to rearrange the feng shui of your face. Are we clear?

Yuan: (squeak) Okay.

(To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.)

Pirates in a Pickle

(From this week's Instant Noodles -- RTI's weekly wrap of amusing news from the Asia-Pacific region. Listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

South Korea's navy is deploying a new strategic weapon in the ongoing fight against Somalian pirates -- a ton of kimchi. 

The Korean national dish of spicy pickled vegetables should boost the morale of the 300 crew aboard the destroyer currently patrolling the waters off the Gulf of Aden. Until now they'd had to make do with locally-sourced kimchi, which just wasn't the same as the real thing from home. I sympathise with them wholeheartedly as I miss pork pies terribly here in Taipei. 

The new kimchi shipment should give the Korean seamen garlic-fuelled fighting spirit for a month. The effect on the pirates however remains to be seen...

Pirate Chief: A-haaargh! Looks like we hit the jackpot, boys. Should be a hefty ransom this time.

Pirate 2: Wait a minute, I smell garlic. Does anyone else smell garlic?

(general agreement -- yes I smell garlic, definitely garlic etc.)

Pirate Chief: But there's no garlic in these waters... unless...

(Loud boat horn)

Korean ship (loadhailer): Surrender the ship! We have you surrounded!

 Pirate 2: It's the Korean navy!

Pirate Chief: Dammit! Always hijack downwind, what do I keep telling you? Rule number one! We should have smelled them coming...

Korean ship: I take it you are referring to our supplies of kimchi.

Pirate Chief: Oh, is that what that is?

Korean ship: Yes. It's our national delicacy. It's made of pickled vegetables.

Pirate Chief: Well I don't much care for it, I have to say!

Korean ship: We understand it is an acquired taste. Would you like to try some?

Pirate Chief: No thank you! If I want to acquire something I'll use my rocket launcher, right boys?

(general agreement -- Haha rocket launcher yes, that's how we acquire things! etc.)

Korean ship: Well perhaps we might not care for your local food either.

Pirate Chief: No, true, that's a fair point. Well, this has been an interesting cultural exchange. Time to  saddle up, boys!

Pirate 2: What? But what about our ransom?

Pirate Chief: No deal. This ship's just carrying a consignment of sauerkraut anyway.

Pirate 2: Urgh!

(general agreement -- uuurgh! Sauerkraut! Yuck! etc.)

Pirate Chief: We're out of here. Bye bye, Korean navy!

Korean ship: Wait! Just try a little bit! You might like it!

(To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.)

Stubbed Out: Hubei's Mandatory Smoking Quota

(From the files of Instant Noodles, first broadcast May 7, 2009)

Government staff in central China's Hubei province were recently ordered to smoke their way through 230,000 packs of locally-made cigarettes a year or face being fined. The order was intended to boost Hubei's cigarette brands against competition from neighbouring Hunan province. People can't get enough of their red-hot-chili-and-clove-flavoured cigarettes you see.

In classic Chinese "local authorities try to set an example for the whole of the country" fashion, the mandatory smoking quota was intended to set an example for the whole of the country, according to state media.

Government officials had to back down on the plan however after a public backlash. They rescinded the order to smoke four and a half million cigarettes a year but insisted they were only trying to support local industry and tax revenues. In other words, their heart was in the right place even if their lungs weren't.

Before that happened however, we at Instant Noodles were able to obtain this report on life under the compulsory-smoking regime...

Narrator: Lunchtime at the staff canteen. And as the employees line up with their trays, each one receives a bowl of rice, a tofu dish, a portion of vegetables and a pack of cigarettes. The canteen staff issue a reminder to employees to eat their food first and smoke the cigarettes for dessert -- or risk being sick.

Canteen staff: Otherwise they spend the whole afternoon feeling light-headed. But overall the staff are eating less and losing weight - so it's been a very healthy move.

Narrator: As the lunch break ends, the office manager summons the employees back to work -- and back to smoking!  Come on you lot! he calls. Get your "butts" back to work!

Manager:  I'm very happy about the situation here. We are on course not just to meet our quota but to over-fulfill it. I believe we can become a model smoking unit for the whole country.

Interviewer: How do you achieve that?

Manager: We keep a total of how many cigarettes each person has smoked. Whoever smokes the most is our smoker of the month and wins a prize.

Interviewer: What do they win?

Manager: Cigarettes.

Interviewer (to staff member): Do you worry about being fined if you can't meet your quota?

Staff Member 1: Yes, I worry about it a lot. But the good thing is, the more I worry, the more I smoke. So it's really a win-win situation.

Staff Member 2: I told the boss that I couldn't smoke any more because my throat really hurt. He said I couldn't stop unless I had a note from the work unit doctor.  So I went to see him.

Interviewer: And what did he say?

Staff Member 2: He said I should take a course of menthols and prescribed me sixty a day.

Narrator: Reprisals can be harsh for those who fail to toe the line. Here the manager confronts a member of staff who has been caught not smoking. The staff member tries to protest that he has been passive smoking all the while. But it cuts no ice with the manager. 

Manager: Passive smoking! How dare you passive smoke! Sitting there and sucking up everyone else's hard work! I'll teach you not to not smoke! You're a disgrace!

Narrator: On the whole however, the manager believes the compulsory smoking rules have made the office a happier workplace.

Manager: It's given us a whole new approach to our work. We've become more flexible in our thinking. I'll give you an example. Due to the building code we can't actually smoke in the office itself. So people were spending more than half the day outside on the mandatory smoking breaks. So instead of having a working day with smoking breaks, it was more like a smoking day with work breaks. Ha ha ha! How ridiculous!

Interviewer: So what did you do?

Manager: In the end, we moved everyone's desks and cubicles outside! So now everyone gets to enjoy the sunshine while they work – and of course, the fresh air! 

(sounds of hacking coughs)

Manager: You see! Even their coughs are more productive!

(Listen to this week's Instant Noodles online at english.rti.org.tw -- if you are clever enough to work out our notoriously user-unfriendly interface. A new episode every week.)

Save the Land Shark!

(Extract from this week's Instant Noodles. Hear it now online at english.rti.org.tw until May 6th.)

Victoria, Australia: Police in the town on Warrnambool are puzzled at the discovery of a Port Jackson shark deposited on the doorstep of a local newspaper in the middle of the night, though they have said they will charge the culprit with animal cruelty.

Staff at the newspaper are equally baffled, as they don't know of anyone with a vendetta against them or what kind of message was intended by leaving the 70cm shark outside their offices. Presumably no one on the paper's staff is currently sleeping with the fishes.

Constable Jarrod Dwyer came to the shark's assistance, first pouring water on it to see if it was still alive. He then borrowed a bucket from a nearby McDonald's, filled it with water and took the shark back to the sea.

We at Instant Noodles thought the race to save the little shark was a novel twist on a classic story. A story involving a local chief of police, a marine biologist and a salty old fisherman...

Chief Brody: Guys, if we don't rescue this shark, the animal rights people will be all over it. And then it's goodbye to our summer tourism.

Quint: I'll save the shark for you, chief. But it won't be easy. This shark, he's a krill eater mostly. But he can still give you a nasty nip. And I value my fingers more than three thousand bucks, chief.

Hooper: Brody, we should use my remote-activated grabber. We can scoop him up without even touching him.

Quint: Ah, you want to save your city hands with your fine expensive equipment, don't you, Mr Hooper?

Brody: Quint, be nice or you'll end up getting eaten like last time.

Quint: Don't tell me my job, chief! A McDonalds bucket's all I need. Water in the bucket. Shark goes in the bucket. Our shark. 

(Ominous music)

Brody: There he is! On the sidewalk!

Hooper: He's got to be twenty inches long.

Quint: Twenty five. Three pounds of him.

Brody: You're gonna need a bigger bucket...

Quint: Hooper! Hook me up another bucket now!

Brody: You're gonna need a bigger bucket, right?

Quint: He's got under the bucket... he's either awfully smart or awfully dumb, he's got under the bucket!

Brody: Guys, we're running out of time!

Hooper: Do you have any better ideas?

Brody: He's getting away!

Quint: He can't get away -- not with three buckets!

Brody: You're certifiable, Quint!

Hooper: How about we lead him toward the harbour instead of him leading us into the printing room?

Quint: (sings) Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies....

Brody: Right, we've lost Quint. Hooper, any ideas?

Hooper: Well, we could do what we usually do -- stick an oxygen tank in its mouth and hope for the best?

Brody: Okay!

(explosion)

Brody, Hooper: Oops.

(To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.)

Opera Singer Is All Mouth and No Trousers

(Extract from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online now at english.rti.org.tw until April 23rd)

South Korea: British opera singer Bryn Terfel had to borrow a pair of trousers from a member of the audience last week after absent-mindedly turning up for a concert wearing shorts.

Terfel left his hotel in Seoul wearing shorts as it was a nice day but forgot he was still wearing them when he headed for the performance. Thankfully the 6ft 4 ins tall Terfel managed to find a audience member who loved opera enough to drop his trousers in order for the show to go on. "There was one person there who happened to be the same height as me," said Terfel, "and if there was ever a pair of trousers that fit like a glove -- that's the one."

Trousers that fit like a glove? We at Instant Noodles think Terfel may just be confused about trousers generally.

But this curious case also made us wonder: is it always necessary to wear trousers to perform opera? Some roles might be more convincing without them -- notorious womaniser Don Giovanni, for instance. Or the main role in the little-known comic opera by Verdi, Il Pantalone. In case you're unfamiliar with this mysteriously overlooked gem from the Italian maestro, here's a clip for you now...

Narrator: In Act Two of Il Pantalone, the incorrigible Don Flagrante is attempting to seduce his beautiful maidservant Gigoletta in his study. Suddenly however he hears the shrill voice of his wife Shrewilla outside...

Shrewilla: My husband! Where are you?

Gigoletta: It is your wife!

Don Flagrante: Oh no! My wife without the door -- and I without my trousers! She must not behold my divested lower half.

Gigoletta: Quickly! Stand behind this table!

Don Flagrante: Of course! If I stand behind the table she will not see that I wear no trousers.

Shrewilla: There you are!

Don Flagrante: My dearest! But who are all these men?

Shrewilla: The men are here to take away the table.

Don Flagrante: This table?

Shrewilla: Yes. We are getting a new one. Do you not remember?

Don Flagrante: This... is not a good time.

Shrewilla: Why ever not?

Gigoletta: Madam! Your husband... requires a short time alone with the table. To say goodbye!

Shrewilla: Nonsense. Remove the table at once!

Don Flagrante: I have changed my mind! The table stays!

Shrewilla: But you hate this table! You always said so!

Don Flagrante: And may a man not change? And may deep love not grow? This I hold, and this my heart doth know, that- (needle scratch)

Shrewilla: WHERE ARE YOUR TROUSERS?

Don Flagrante: Ah. It seems that while I was singing that last part you have walked round behind me.

Shrewilla: Tell me this instant!

Gigoletta: Madam! There is an explanation-

Shrewilla: Quiet, you! Where are they?

Don Flagrante: Why do you weary me with these questions? My trousers are neither here nor there!

Shrewilla: Yes. So I see.

(To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.)

Kawaii! Japanese ambassadors spread "cute power"

(Extract from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online now at http://english.rti.org.tw until March 25th.)


Japan has recently appointed three young women as cultural ambassadors in a bid to extend the country's "cute power" overseas. According to Reuters, the first of the new ambassadors dresses as a cute schoolgirl, the second as a Victorian doll with voluminous frilly skirts, and the third wears a bunny-print polka-dot shirt "offset by bouffant back-combed hair."


The three are all inspired by distinctive characters from Japan's anime cartoon movies and manga comic books. Fellow manga regular the Multi-Tentacled Rape Monster reportedly confessed himself "disappointed" not to have made the shortlist.


With this welcome development, we may now look forward to the time when all of Japan's international affairs may be carried out by its adorable cultural icons...

(Scene: UN Security Council briefing room)


UN Chair Ban Ki-moon: The United Nations Commission on Nuclear Proliferation now recognizes the Ambassador of Japan, Mr Pika Chu.

Pikachu: Pikachu.

Translator: Thank you.

Pikachu: Pika pi. Pika pika. Chu.

Translator: As you are aware, the unchecked spread of nuclear technology…

Pikachu: Pika chu. Pika pika.

Translator: …is a grave concern in these times of heightened security alert.

Pikachu: Pika pika pika. Chuuu. Pika pi. Pika chu.

Translator: We have recently greeted with dismay the news that our old adversary Team Rocket…

Pikachu: Piiiiiikaaaa. Pika chuuu!

Translator: …has been collaborating with two other blacklisted organizations...

Pikachu: Pika… chuu!

Translator: ...Team Warhead and Team Intercontinental.

Pikachu: Pikapiii! Pika pika chu! Pika chu chu chu! Pi…

Translator: This presents a threat not only to regional security but to the entire world.

Pikachu: Pi pi pi pi pi pi pi...

Translator: We reiterate our ongoing commitment to the framework…

Pikachu: Pikaaa! Pika piii. Pika. pika pika chu. Pika chu, chu chu.

Translator: …of multilateral talks to resolve the issue through dialogue…

Pikachu: Pika pika pika chu...

Translator: …but must insist that harsher sanctions be not precluded from this process…

Pikachu: Pika pika pika pi.

Translator: …if certain elements continue in their belief that…

Pikachu: Pikachu! Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…

Translator: …they may flaunt with impunity their disregard for the will of the international community.

Pikachu: Pika pika. Pika pika pikachu!

Translator: Also, me, Charmander and Sonic the Hedgehog are going for ice cream later if anyone is interested.

(To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.)

Kimono Dragons -- The Rise of the Ladyboy Lizards (from this week's Instant Noodles - online now!)

(Extract from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online now at http://english.rti.org.tw until March 18).

According to new research by Australian and South African scientists, young male lizards in South Africa imitate females so that older aggressive males will leave them alone. Younger male Augrabies flat lizards (pictured) will delay displaying the extravagant coloration of sexually-mature males until they are able to defend themselves adequately.

In a masterstroke of evolutionary craftiness, this behaviour not only ensures the transvestite male avoids beatings from the alpha lizards but also gives him access to previously off-limits females. "These shemales are making the best of a bad situation," as one Australian professor put it.

But there is a drawback. Dominant males are able to detect transvestite male hormones with their sensitive tongues. Ladyboy lizards must thus be nimble enough to avoid being defrocked by a wandering tongue - a nasty surprise for all involved, no doubt.

Now, inspired by this story and classic cross-dressing comedy Some Like It Hot, Instant Noodles now presents: Some Like It Cold (Blooded).

(In Kruger National Park, young male lizard Nate is chatting up female lizards Zena and Meera.)

Nate: ...and I hear it again! He's repeating everything I say! So in the end I turn round and say, ‘Excuse me. Is there a gecko in here?'

Zena: Hahaha! Nate, you are so funny!

Meera: Funny and cute.

Nate: Well, I try. So are you ladies busy at all, say Friday?

Zena: Sorry, Nate. I’ve a date with Craig on Friday.

Nate: Ah, Craig. The Alpha lizard. How about Saturday?

Zena: Oh I couldn’t! Craig would be jealous. He has such a temper.

Nate: Fine, whatever! Meera, Saturday?

Meera: Um, Craig’s with me on Saturday.

Nate: What? Zena, you know about this?

Zena: Yes, but he’s the alpha lizard…

Nate: What, so he gets to double up but no-one else does. Yeah, that’s fair.

Meera: But he’s the alpha lizard.

Nate: He’s a greedy lizard, that’s what he is.

Zena: Craig said he’s the alpha lizard and we should be grateful.

Nate: Alpha lizard my – Look, let me tell you about Craig. He gets everything he wants because he’s slightly bigger. That’s all. Slightly bigger. He has no personality because he doesn’t need one. He’s no abilities, but who cares? He’s slightly bigger! He’s a slightly bigger stupid tedious bully! And don’t get me started on his looks! He is so ugly that – you’ve gone quiet…

Craig: Oi!

Nate: He’s behind me, isn’t he?

Meera: Yes.

Nate: Yup.

Craig: What are you creeping around for, shorty?

Nate: Hi Craig, I was saying what a great sense of humour you have.

Craig: I know. I heard.

Nate: My. You really are… slightly bigger, aren’t you?

Craig: Slightly.

Nate: No wonder you’re the alpha lizard.

Craig: And don’t forget it.

Nate: Well, I’ll be off then.

Craig: Yes you will. And if I ever catch you dragging your belly round here again, you’re dead. Come on, girls. (they go off.)

Nate: Foiled again! There’s got to be a way to gain access to these females without provoking Craig…Maybe… with a little dressing up… a touch of make-up… and Nate becomes Natalie!

(Some time later)

Nate (in high-pitched voice): And so he says to her, ‘I don’t know what you want from me, Iguana!’ and she says, ‘Iguana be left alone!’

Zena and Meera: Hahaha!

Meera: Oh Natalie, you’re so funny!

Nate: Well, what a lovely shopping trip that was, we three ladies.

Zena: Yes, I love your new kimono!

Nate: I’ll wear it tonight -- at our sleepover!

Meera: Oh yes!

Zena: I can’t wait!

Nate: We can talk about our fantasy lizards.

Meera: Ooh, fun!

Nate: Mine has a stegosaurus head, a velociraptor’s legs! And Godzilla’s… tail!

Zena: Hahahaha!

Meera: You are so funny!

Zena: Yeah! You’re like the girl version of this guy we know, Nate…

Nate: Nate, you say? Is he cute?

Meera: Kinda.

Nate: Cuter than Craig?

Zena: Yes.

Nate: Cuter and funnier…and he’s nicer than Craig too, right?

Meera: Oh definitely!

Nate: Well then, you must introduce me to this Nate!

Zena: Funny, Nate suddenly seems more attractive now you’ve said that.

Nate: Yes! Yes! We want to mate with Nate!

Zena: Hahaha! That’s so funny!

Meera: That’s totally what Nate would say!

Nate: Well, ladies, wait to mate with Nate no more! Ta-da! (removes dress to gasps from lady lizards.)

Zena: Nate! It’s you!

Nate: None other!

Meera: But you’re wearing women’s clothes!

Nate: So?

Zena: You’re a shemale!

Meera: A cross-dresser!

Nate: I prefer the term Kimono dragon myself. Haha! Ha?

Zena: Whatever.

Meera: Well, this is… disappointing.

Zena: Yes, we were sick of Craig and his chauvinism and you seemed like a nice guy.

Nate: I am a nice guy!

Meera: But you’re not interested in girl lizards, are you?

Nate: No! You’re wrong! I am interested! In fact, that’s the whole reason I’m doing this!

Zena: What? You were dressing up in women’s clothes to get close to us?

Nate: Yes! Isn’t that funny?

Meera: No! It’s abhorrent!

Zena: Urgh! You saw me trying on underwear and everything!

Nate: Hey, I said it looked great, didn't I?

Meera: Pervert!

Zena: Come on, Meera, let’s go.

Nate: Can I call you later?

Zena and Meera: No!

Zena: Wait til Craig hears about this…(exit)

Nate: (sighs) Women! Talk about cold-blooded! How could this get any worse?

Craig: ‘Ello, gorgeous! Haven’t seen you round here before…

To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.

New Anthem for Southeast Asia (to the tune of Y.M.C.A)

A musical number taken from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online now at english.rti.org.tw (until Thursday).

Charlie: The European Union uses as their anthem the stirring Ode to Joy from Beethoven's magnificent Ninth Symphony. Not to be outdone, the Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN) has decided to come up with their own theme tune of unity and brotherly love.

Andrew: I'm guessing it wasn't written by Beethoven though.

Charlie: No, it was a bit late to commission him for this job. The new feem toon was in fact written by two Thai composers and is called 'The ASEAN Way'. It was given its official debut at the regional trading bloc's annual summit at the Thai beach resort of Hua Hin. The hymn reaches its climax with the words, 'We dare to dream, we care to share. Together for ASEAN.'

Andrew: I think I've heard this! 'WE DARE TO DREAM! WE CARE TO SHARE!'

Charlie: I don't know how catchy it is to be honest, from your rendition. But I do know they had a kind of contest to select it, kind of like Eurovision.

Andrew: Was it as camp as Eurovision?

Charlie: It was held on a beach in Thailand, what do you think? I think it was very camp indeed. In fact, if I were commissioned to write the theme tune for the Association of Southeast Asian Nations, I think it would go something like this...

(Opening bars of Village People -- Y.M.C.A)

Young man -

The world economy's down!

I said, young man -

But you can wipe off the frown!

Because, young man -

There's a new bloc in town,

It's a sunny happy region!

Young man -

Give Southeast Asia a go!

I said, young man -

When your exports are slow!

You can come here,

From Bangkok to Bali,

Where the love and trade are free!

It's fun to trade with the A.S.E.A.N.!

Come on and trade with the A.S.E.A.N.!

They have everything for every trading young boy -

It's a stimulus you'll enjoy!

Come on and trade with the A.S.E.A.N.!

It's fun to trade with the A.S.E.A.N.!

Wipe your deficits clean!

Pull your tariffs right down!

And let's spread all the wealth around!

A.S.E.A.N.! (etc. to fade)

To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.

Poop Poop! It's Mr Toad's New Motor-Carp!

Taken from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online from Thursday at english.rti.org.tw

A toad rides on the head of a koi carp in this picture from a pond in southeastern Taiwan's Taitung County taken a couple of weeks ago. As the toad is (so I'm told) displaying mating behaviour, I originally tried to pitch this item on our RTI Chatroom program as an interracial love story.  But that was before the full facts were known. Actually, it seems the fish resisted the toad's advances but was unable to shake him off. Furthermore, the toad had stuck his front legs in the fish's eyes. Four days and three nights after first being observed in this unnatural posture, the fish tragically succumbed to exhaustion and hunger. 

Therefore, do not look on this picture and say, ahhh, how cute. This toad is guilty of nothing less than inter-species rape and murder! Terrifyingly, he is also (to the best of our knowledge) still at large!

In the middle ages, such an unnatural event would certainly be regarded as an omen. Perhaps I may venture an interpretation of this portent. The fish represents the economy, hijacked and asphyxiated by the toad of reckless banking practice. Moreover, three nights signifies three more quarters of dwindling export volume.

On the other hand, if it's joyous stories about happy-go-lucky toads you're after, join us now for an Instant Noodles Wind In The Willows special.

(Down on the river, Mr Mole and Mr Rat are enjoying a fine day out.)

Mole: Oh Ratty, I do so enjoy our days on the river.

Rat: As do I, Mole. What could be finer than messing about in a boat!

Mole: I suppose you've heard about Mr Toad?

Rat: Oh no. What has he done now?

Mole: The word is, last week Mr Toad went up to town and ordered a very large and expensive motor car.

Rat: That incorrigible fellow! No good will come of it, mark my words!

(Music: Beach Boys -- I Get Around as Toad approaches riding on a fish.)

Mole: I say, Ratty! What on earth is that?

Toad: Poop poop! Forwards! Aha! Oops!

Rat: Why, it's Mr Toad!

Mole: He's coming up awfully fast…

Toad: Poop poop! Wahey!

Rat: Hold on tight, Moley!

Toad: Woah! Easy!

Rat: Toad! What are you playing at?

Toad: Ratty! Moley! Ha ha!

Rat: You nearly capsized us, you ass! Are you alright, Moley?

Mole: I'm alright…

Toad: He's alright! Poop poop!

Mole: What is that?

Toad: My new transport! Why, the only way to travel!

Rat: It looks like a fish.

Toad: It is a fish!

Mole: But we heard you were getting a motor-car?

Toad: You heard wrong. This is my new motor-carp!

Rat: Motor-carp? There's no such thing.

Toad: Course there is! You're looking at one.

Mole: But that's a Koi!

Toad: A Koy-ota! It's Japanese, you know.

Mole: Ratty, it doesn't look happy…

Rat: Toad, why is your carp-

Toad: Motor-carp!

Rat: Why is your motor-carp thrashing around so?

Toad: Oh! Well, I haven't quite got the hang of the clutch yet… But this is the life, fellows! The open pond!

Ratty: Stop this foolishness! Let that poor fish go at once.

Toad: Shan't.

Ratty: Let it go, I say!

Toad: Shan't shan't shan't shan't shan't! I won’t do it, I tell you! You can't make me! Away, Koy-ota! Poop poop!

Mole: Oh, that conceited ass!

Rat: This will end in tears, mark my words!

(Some time later. Mole and Ratty return to the scene. We hear the sound of sobbing.)

Mole: I say Ratty, who's that over there by the bank?

Rat: It's Toad! I say, Toad!

Toad: Oh Ratty! Oh Moley! (sobs)

Mole: Toad! What happened to your motor-carp?

Toad: Gone! My poor Koy-ota. Gone!

Rat: Gone… you mean, dead?

Toad: Yes…. (sobs)

Mole: But what happened?

Toad: She tried to shake me off. But I held on. For three days!

Rat: Fish get hungry, Toad. You have to feed them!

Toad: I know that! So I went and filled her up.

Rat: Filled her up? With what?

Toad: With premium.

Mole: Premium what? Toad?

Toad: Premium unleaded!

Rat: Oh Toad, you perfect ass! Fish can't live on petrol!

Toad: I know that now! But it's too late! Oh, my Koy-ota! Howl!

Mole: They'll put you in jail for this, Toad.

Toad: (sadly) Poop poop.

Rat: Silly ass.

To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on a media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. Move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.

 

 

Cow-e-oke Classics

Taken from this week's Instant Noodles New Year of the Ox Special -- hear it online now at english.rti.org.tw

Cow-e-oke Classics for the Chinese New Year of the Ox - the Top Ten!

10. Theme From Rawhide - Blues Brothers

9. Cattle & Hum - U2

8. This Time I Know It's For Veal - Donna Summer

7. Heffer Fallen In Love - The Fine Young Herbivores

6. Bovine Romance - Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers

5. The Final Hoedown - Europe

4. Steers in Heaven - Eric Clapton

3. Oxanne - The Police

2. Steak On Me - A-Ha

1. Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Cow - Starship

And if this world runs out of lovers, we'll still have our udders... to hear our version of the Starship classic, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on a media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. Move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.

Grabbed by the Goondas, Prakash lets loose his bull

Taken from this week's Instant Noodles Year of the Ox Special -- hear it online now at english.rti.org.tw

This story comes to us from India, a land where the cow is held in great veneration. But it seems one mobster from Kerala has been using them for far less noble purposes. When a team of police finally caught up with an elusive criminal named Prakash, he unleashed his fighting bull on them.

Prakash is known locally as Vettukuttan, referring to his physical prowess and hobby of rearing bulls and poisonous snakes. He was wanted in several criminal cases under the Goondas Act, goondas meaning hoodlum, as in ‘goon’.

He’d been giving police the slip for some time but a four man team finally managed to catch up with him, Prakash first attacked them with a big metal bell used for adorning elephants. And as they fought back he released his fighting bull, which he had trained for jallikattu. Jallikattu in the Tamil Nadu area is a tradition of bull taming – the matadors square off against an agitated bull and have to bring it under control empty handed.

It seems however that the policemen were pretty good at jallikattu themselves as they first tamed the bull using ropes and then successfully arrested Prakash.

We're not sure why he didn't try unleashing his snakes on them at this point. Perhaps he's saving them for the trial...

Here's how Instant Noodles imagined the arrest.

Policeman 1: The game's up, Prakash! We’ve tamed your bull and there’s nowhere to run!

Policeman 2: He can't get away, sir. We've got him by the Goondas this time.

Policeman 1: Give up, Prakash! You know we've got you by the Goondas!

Prakash: Haha, not quite yet, methinks! Release the snakes!

Policeman 2: Sarge, he's released his snakes!

Policeman 1: Oh. Well, it's lucky we brought our mongoose then, isn’t it?

Policeman 2: Release the mongoose!

Prakash: Blast! Their mongoose has gone and eaten all my snakes. What else have I got? Ah yes! Release the… flamingoes?

Policeman 2: Sir, he's released his flamingoes.

Policeman 1: Okay. Not long now then.

Prakash: What are you waiting for? Attack! Don't just stand there looking pink! Get them! No! Stop flying away, you cowards! Come back here! Nooo!... Gah! All right, I'll come quietly.

To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on a media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. Move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.