India's police give new meaning to "packing heat"

(from this week's Instant Noodles, hear the full show online now at english.rti.org.tw)

India's security forces are planning a new way to bring the heat on the street -- by using the world's hottest chilli to control riots and during counter-insurgency operations, according to Reuters.

India's defence scientists say they will replace exposives in small hand grenades with bhut jolokia chillis to immobilise a person without killing him.

The bhut jolokia chilli is the world's hottest, measuring 1,000,000 units on the Scoville scale. That's at least one thousand times hotter than a common kitchen chilli. If you have ever sat next to somebody who has recently eaten a Vindaloo, you will be well aware: when one of those goes off, you're in a world of pain.

We at Instant Noodles hope that India's security forces will deploy this new weaponized chilli with restraint and not disproportionately...

(Sounds of an angry crowd chanting. The Chief of Police addresses the crowd over a loudhailer.)

Police Chief: Please disperse! If you do not return to your homes we will be forced to use our range of curry-based crowd control grenades!

(The chanting continues.)

Police Chief: Very well! You are now being sprayed with Korma sauce! This is quite mild but will leave you with a strong but not unpleasant smell of coconut! Consider this a warning!

(The chanting continues.)

Police Chief: If you do not desist we will proceed to deploy the Jalfrezi, with its rich dry sauce and added green peppers!

(The chanting continues.)

Police Chief: No, this isn't working. Sergeant, go straight to Vindaloo strength. (To crowd) This is Vindaloo! It will sting your eyes and blister your skin! It will also ensure that next time you use the lavatory you will have to light a match and announce to your roommates, "You might want to give that a few minutes!" Which will be very embarrassing for you!

(The chanting changes to cries of "Ow!" "It burns!" "Hot hot hot!" "I don't like it!" etc.)

Police Chief: Okay, that's enough! Sergeant, douse them with mango chutney and send them home.

(To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on one of the media player icons next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When your media player opens, move the playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.)