Poop Poop! It's Mr Toad's New Motor-Carp!

Taken from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online from Thursday at english.rti.org.tw

A toad rides on the head of a koi carp in this picture from a pond in southeastern Taiwan's Taitung County taken a couple of weeks ago. As the toad is (so I'm told) displaying mating behaviour, I originally tried to pitch this item on our RTI Chatroom program as an interracial love story.  But that was before the full facts were known. Actually, it seems the fish resisted the toad's advances but was unable to shake him off. Furthermore, the toad had stuck his front legs in the fish's eyes. Four days and three nights after first being observed in this unnatural posture, the fish tragically succumbed to exhaustion and hunger. 

Therefore, do not look on this picture and say, ahhh, how cute. This toad is guilty of nothing less than inter-species rape and murder! Terrifyingly, he is also (to the best of our knowledge) still at large!

In the middle ages, such an unnatural event would certainly be regarded as an omen. Perhaps I may venture an interpretation of this portent. The fish represents the economy, hijacked and asphyxiated by the toad of reckless banking practice. Moreover, three nights signifies three more quarters of dwindling export volume.

On the other hand, if it's joyous stories about happy-go-lucky toads you're after, join us now for an Instant Noodles Wind In The Willows special.

(Down on the river, Mr Mole and Mr Rat are enjoying a fine day out.)

Mole: Oh Ratty, I do so enjoy our days on the river.

Rat: As do I, Mole. What could be finer than messing about in a boat!

Mole: I suppose you've heard about Mr Toad?

Rat: Oh no. What has he done now?

Mole: The word is, last week Mr Toad went up to town and ordered a very large and expensive motor car.

Rat: That incorrigible fellow! No good will come of it, mark my words!

(Music: Beach Boys -- I Get Around as Toad approaches riding on a fish.)

Mole: I say, Ratty! What on earth is that?

Toad: Poop poop! Forwards! Aha! Oops!

Rat: Why, it's Mr Toad!

Mole: He's coming up awfully fast…

Toad: Poop poop! Wahey!

Rat: Hold on tight, Moley!

Toad: Woah! Easy!

Rat: Toad! What are you playing at?

Toad: Ratty! Moley! Ha ha!

Rat: You nearly capsized us, you ass! Are you alright, Moley?

Mole: I'm alright…

Toad: He's alright! Poop poop!

Mole: What is that?

Toad: My new transport! Why, the only way to travel!

Rat: It looks like a fish.

Toad: It is a fish!

Mole: But we heard you were getting a motor-car?

Toad: You heard wrong. This is my new motor-carp!

Rat: Motor-carp? There's no such thing.

Toad: Course there is! You're looking at one.

Mole: But that's a Koi!

Toad: A Koy-ota! It's Japanese, you know.

Mole: Ratty, it doesn't look happy…

Rat: Toad, why is your carp-

Toad: Motor-carp!

Rat: Why is your motor-carp thrashing around so?

Toad: Oh! Well, I haven't quite got the hang of the clutch yet… But this is the life, fellows! The open pond!

Ratty: Stop this foolishness! Let that poor fish go at once.

Toad: Shan't.

Ratty: Let it go, I say!

Toad: Shan't shan't shan't shan't shan't! I won’t do it, I tell you! You can't make me! Away, Koy-ota! Poop poop!

Mole: Oh, that conceited ass!

Rat: This will end in tears, mark my words!

(Some time later. Mole and Ratty return to the scene. We hear the sound of sobbing.)

Mole: I say Ratty, who's that over there by the bank?

Rat: It's Toad! I say, Toad!

Toad: Oh Ratty! Oh Moley! (sobs)

Mole: Toad! What happened to your motor-carp?

Toad: Gone! My poor Koy-ota. Gone!

Rat: Gone… you mean, dead?

Toad: Yes…. (sobs)

Mole: But what happened?

Toad: She tried to shake me off. But I held on. For three days!

Rat: Fish get hungry, Toad. You have to feed them!

Toad: I know that! So I went and filled her up.

Rat: Filled her up? With what?

Toad: With premium.

Mole: Premium what? Toad?

Toad: Premium unleaded!

Rat: Oh Toad, you perfect ass! Fish can't live on petrol!

Toad: I know that now! But it's too late! Oh, my Koy-ota! Howl!

Mole: They'll put you in jail for this, Toad.

Toad: (sadly) Poop poop.

Rat: Silly ass.

To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on a media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. Move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.