Poseidon Absenture

Better effects, weaker characters, badly paced series of set-pieces. Hello, I'm a remake!

Successful Living Series Part 1: The Seven Habits of Moderately Lazy People

People in Taiwan read two types of book. One is The Da Vinci Code like everyone else. The other is the business self-help genre, keys to profitable management strategies written by smug white men. Being smug, white and male myself I quickly perceived that the best way to get rich is to write a book about the best way to get rich. Over the next few posts I intend to share with you some of the philosophies and practises which have made me what I am.

Part One: The Seven Habits of Moderately Lazy People

1) Be Decisive
Every decision is a consideration of calculated gain weighed up against the investment (time, effort, expense) required to achieve it. Do you want a packet of fruit pastilles enough to leave the house and go to the shop? If yes, then go for it! Otherwise, leave it - it's hassle you can do without.

2) Set Objectives
It's important to set yourself achievable goals. For example:

• Short term goal- have a lie down.
  
• Mid-term goal - look to maximise potential opportunities for further lie-downs.
  
• Long term goal - one day to start to think about setting some long term goals.

3) Prioritise
Never put things off until later - unless there's something good on TV. If there isn't (and unfortunately this is often the case) then you may need to persevere. Maybe there will be something good on later. Channel hopping is not a symptom of indiscipline; it's a sensible strategy to avoid committing yourself prematurely. Or you could watch a DVD.

4) Don't Time Waste
Time is precious. Don't waste it by categorising your behaviour in this meaningless way. Accept that whatever habits guide your behaviour, they were probably formed a long time ago and you're unlikely to change them now. Have a cup of tea instead. Unless you've run out of milk, in which case, refer to #1.

5) Be Willing to Compromise
Don't limit yourself by being too rigid. Did I say seven habits? You don't actually have to have seven - it's just a symbolic number and anyway, Malcolm in the Middle is about to start.

Chav Culture

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez' visit to London last week provided another golden opportunity for Ken Livingstone to feel moist over some left-wing dictator. Of course, if it's not him, it's that self-publicising arse George Galloway lambasting vile oppressor Blair while singing the praises of Saddam Hussain. Galloway, in his own words, is 'a different type of MP'. Indeed, George, other ones actually represent their constituents rather than fannying about sucking up to despots.

Anyway, my theory is that Chavez represents the man Livingstone is in his dreams, the tough-talking hero of the masses sticking his fingers up America's nose, rather than the petty socialist bureaucrat with the irritating voice who reappears when he awakes.

And let's not forget Livingstone's visit to China last month, when he surveyed Tiananmen Square and with crassness unusual even for him likened the events of June 1989 to London's poll tax riots. Entirely comparable, Ken, well done - to this day it impresses me what a good job our government did covering up those thousands of deaths on the streets of our capital.

Picture, if you will, a line of tanks rumbling towards the centre of London, intent on violently crushing the massed demonstrators. Suddenly a single unknown individual, taking no thought for his personal safety, heroically blocks their path. The difference? In this scenario, the man turns out to be a traffic warden, who admits that his actions were motivated not by a selfless desire to save others, but rather that the tanks had not paid the congestion charge.

Yellow Fever

A must-see for anyone interested in Sino-Caucasian affairs and with as much time on their hands as I have. To call this short film an excellent contribution to the social/racial/sexual political discourse does no justice to how funny and inventive it is. My favourite part is when the hero, hearing his guffawing white friend describe how a mangled 'Ni hao ma?' from him works wonders on Chinese girls, considers on reflection that the effect probably doesn't work in reverse...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HITeEV8y10

Heresy: Mandela Had It Easy

Taiwan's president Chen Shui-bian, having managed in the last week to annoy friend and foe, foreign and domestic, yesterday met former South African president FW de Klerk in Taipei. Having drawn several customary self-serving parallels in his speech, Chen remarked to the former leader, "It would have been easier to play the role of Nelson Mandela than your role." Sure. All Mandela had to do was rot in prison. Piece of cake.

Less controversial, sadly, is Radio 4's show Heresy (www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/heresy) in which David Baddiel and his panel attempt to play devil's advocate to overturn conventional wisdom on various issues. A nice idea, except that when it came to the crunch the panel all baulked at the challenge of saying something nice about Margaret Thatcher, other than that she indirectly spawned their careers. Clearly for any alternative comedian, positive re-evaluation of Thatcher to whatever extent still represents the ultimate Heresy. For more on Thatcher's direct responsibility for causing Wayne Rooney's metatarsal injury, see http://football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,,1767020,00.html

Much better and funnier is Down the Line, a spoof phone-in show from the creators of The Fast Show (www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/downtheline). The scary thing is, it's so well-observed that it's barely a spoof at all, a must for anyone who's ever been driven to the brink of destroying their radio in response to the right-wing dinosaurs, irritating faffy liberals and flat-out fruitcakes who seem to make up a sizeable proportion of the UK population. Maybe Chen's not so bad after all - I don't think I'll be going home just yet.

Rubbing Hood: Prince of Thieves

This one had me reaching for my Google as well when I first heard it - un unnamed Hollywood star, taking part in a celebrity golf tournament in Scotland in 2004, reportedly requested a special upgrade from his hotel masseuse and when this invitation was declined decided to take matters into his own hands. Last week a local court ruled that since it was all over the internet anyway, they could publically out the individual - Kevin Costner, no less.

I was delighted - Kevin Costner ranks (sorry) somewhere alongside Richard Gere and Matthew McConnaughey in my estimation. I quote Family Guy: "I haven't been this confused since the end of No Way Out... how does Kevin Costner keep getting work?"

Anyway, according to the scandalised (and sacked) hotel employee's account, after his request to touch his, er, 'Untouchables' was rebuffed, Costner whipped off his towel and 'performed a solo sex act to climax'.

Now, distasteful as this may be, since I judge most of Costner's output to be pretty much w**k in any case, the masseuse seems to be sadly unaware that she was actually privileged to be witnessing what probably ranks (sorry) as one of his better performances. If only she'd had the presence of mind to stay and offer a critique, something along the lines of: Another wooden performance, Kevin - but at least it was shorter than Wyatt Earp!

Scolari (To the Tune of 'Volare')

Scolari! (Wo-oh!)
Can't hire ye! (Oh-no-no-no!)
The leeches were swarming on you.
It's like being trapped in a zoo.

'Big Phil' Scolari is a clever man. One able to devise a system which would actually play to the strengths of the players we have rather than nullifying them, together with the confidence to make such a system work. Unfortunately, he's also clever enough to realise that if you take the England manager's job, you win a major cup immediately. A great big poisoned one.

So it's back to the original British candidates and with them the blood, sweat and tears approach that served us so well... in '66. Now forty years of hurt... forty-four probably before we ditch the next guy and have another chance to get someone good. Personally I think we missed the boat with Guus Hiddink.

Mind you, if our best players are determined to always crock themselves before or at crucial stages of major tournaments, I guess it's academic anyway. Bring back Darren 'Remarkable Recovery Every Second Summer' Anderton I say. If nothing else he had a canny sense of timing.