Genie in a Cellphone

(from the files of Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly take on the stranger news from the Asia-Pacific region, written and performed by Charlie Storrar and Andrew Ryan. Stream it online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Bangladesh: Police in the north of the country say they have arrested dozens of swindlers who conned people out of money by calling them pretending to be genies with magical powers, according to AFP.The con artists would first gather information about their victims before calling them in "a tone similar to Arabic" and claiming to have supernatural powers. Saying they were genies descended from the sky, they would threaten a family tragedy unless the victims sent them money.

Now this is not the kind of behaviour we expect from genies, who surely are supposed to do nice things in line with the bidder's wishes. We at Instant Noodles dislike nuisance calls of any kind. But what if someone called you up genuinely offering you three wishes?

(phone conversation)

Man: Hello?

Caller: Hello, I'm calling to ask if you are happy with your current cell phone plan.

Man: Quite happy, thank you.

Caller: Would you be interested in upgrading to our Platinum Genie calling plan?

Man: No, I think I'm quite-

Caller: If I could just take a minute of your time-

Man: (sighs) Go on then...

Caller: With the Platinum Genie plan you get extra talk time at evenings and weekends, unlimited text messages and three wishes.

Man: Look, I think I've made it clear I'm not -- wait, what was that last part?

Caller: Unlimited text messages.

Man: No, not that part, the other part.

Caller: Oh, you get three free hours of talk time per month to selected friends and family-

Man: No! The last thing you said, about the wishes!

Caller: Oh yes, you get three wishes.

Man: What kind of wishes?

Caller: As a signing-on bonus you get three wishes to fulfill the deepest desires of your heart.

Man: What? You're kidding, right?

Caller: No no, it's all part of our new offer.

Man: So I could wish for anything?

Caller: Uh... yeah, it's in the contract, so yeah.

Man: Huh.

Caller: But we are obliged to warn customers to be careful what they wish for.

Man: What does that mean?

Caller: Well, for instance, possessing infinite wealth may not necessarily make you happy.

Man: Okay.

Caller: Also, once you get to know her, the most beautiful woman in the world is actually kind of annoying.

Man: Really.

Caller: Seriously. Make sure you wish for infinite wealth first, you'll need it when you see what she's bought on your credit card.

Man: Wait. So you're signed up to this plan yourself, then?

Caller: Was.

Man: Why "was?"

Caller: Well that was my third wish, wasn't it? To cancel the contract.

Man: Sounds like it wasn't working out for you.

Caller: I wish I'd never heard of it. Unfortunately, I'm all out of wishes.

Man: So why are you trying to sell it to me?

Caller: No choice, see. They took away the woman and the infinite wealth... but not the credit card bill...

Man: Ah.

Caller: So now I'm working in this call centre.

Man: I see. You know what, I think I'm going to pass.

Caller: Fair enough. But just to let you know, as a long-time customer, you're eligible for one free wish.

Man: I am?

Caller: Yeah.

Man: And I can wish for anything?

Caller: Anything at all.

Man: Okay. I wish you people would stop calling me at dinner time.

Caller: Oh. Except for that. Sorry.

(You can listen to this week's Instant Noodles by going to english.rti org.tw and clicking on one of the two media player icons next to Thursday on the left hand side of the page. When your media player opens, move playback bar to approx 25 minutes in.)