Kawaii! Japanese ambassadors spread "cute power"

(Extract from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online now at http://english.rti.org.tw until March 25th.)


Japan has recently appointed three young women as cultural ambassadors in a bid to extend the country's "cute power" overseas. According to Reuters, the first of the new ambassadors dresses as a cute schoolgirl, the second as a Victorian doll with voluminous frilly skirts, and the third wears a bunny-print polka-dot shirt "offset by bouffant back-combed hair."


The three are all inspired by distinctive characters from Japan's anime cartoon movies and manga comic books. Fellow manga regular the Multi-Tentacled Rape Monster reportedly confessed himself "disappointed" not to have made the shortlist.


With this welcome development, we may now look forward to the time when all of Japan's international affairs may be carried out by its adorable cultural icons...

(Scene: UN Security Council briefing room)


UN Chair Ban Ki-moon: The United Nations Commission on Nuclear Proliferation now recognizes the Ambassador of Japan, Mr Pika Chu.

Pikachu: Pikachu.

Translator: Thank you.

Pikachu: Pika pi. Pika pika. Chu.

Translator: As you are aware, the unchecked spread of nuclear technology…

Pikachu: Pika chu. Pika pika.

Translator: …is a grave concern in these times of heightened security alert.

Pikachu: Pika pika pika. Chuuu. Pika pi. Pika chu.

Translator: We have recently greeted with dismay the news that our old adversary Team Rocket…

Pikachu: Piiiiiikaaaa. Pika chuuu!

Translator: …has been collaborating with two other blacklisted organizations...

Pikachu: Pika… chuu!

Translator: ...Team Warhead and Team Intercontinental.

Pikachu: Pikapiii! Pika pika chu! Pika chu chu chu! Pi…

Translator: This presents a threat not only to regional security but to the entire world.

Pikachu: Pi pi pi pi pi pi pi...

Translator: We reiterate our ongoing commitment to the framework…

Pikachu: Pikaaa! Pika piii. Pika. pika pika chu. Pika chu, chu chu.

Translator: …of multilateral talks to resolve the issue through dialogue…

Pikachu: Pika pika pika chu...

Translator: …but must insist that harsher sanctions be not precluded from this process…

Pikachu: Pika pika pika pi.

Translator: …if certain elements continue in their belief that…

Pikachu: Pikachu! Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…

Translator: …they may flaunt with impunity their disregard for the will of the international community.

Pikachu: Pika pika. Pika pika pikachu!

Translator: Also, me, Charmander and Sonic the Hedgehog are going for ice cream later if anyone is interested.

(To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.)

Kimono Dragons -- The Rise of the Ladyboy Lizards (from this week's Instant Noodles - online now!)

(Extract from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online now at http://english.rti.org.tw until March 18).

According to new research by Australian and South African scientists, young male lizards in South Africa imitate females so that older aggressive males will leave them alone. Younger male Augrabies flat lizards (pictured) will delay displaying the extravagant coloration of sexually-mature males until they are able to defend themselves adequately.

In a masterstroke of evolutionary craftiness, this behaviour not only ensures the transvestite male avoids beatings from the alpha lizards but also gives him access to previously off-limits females. "These shemales are making the best of a bad situation," as one Australian professor put it.

But there is a drawback. Dominant males are able to detect transvestite male hormones with their sensitive tongues. Ladyboy lizards must thus be nimble enough to avoid being defrocked by a wandering tongue - a nasty surprise for all involved, no doubt.

Now, inspired by this story and classic cross-dressing comedy Some Like It Hot, Instant Noodles now presents: Some Like It Cold (Blooded).

(In Kruger National Park, young male lizard Nate is chatting up female lizards Zena and Meera.)

Nate: ...and I hear it again! He's repeating everything I say! So in the end I turn round and say, ‘Excuse me. Is there a gecko in here?'

Zena: Hahaha! Nate, you are so funny!

Meera: Funny and cute.

Nate: Well, I try. So are you ladies busy at all, say Friday?

Zena: Sorry, Nate. I’ve a date with Craig on Friday.

Nate: Ah, Craig. The Alpha lizard. How about Saturday?

Zena: Oh I couldn’t! Craig would be jealous. He has such a temper.

Nate: Fine, whatever! Meera, Saturday?

Meera: Um, Craig’s with me on Saturday.

Nate: What? Zena, you know about this?

Zena: Yes, but he’s the alpha lizard…

Nate: What, so he gets to double up but no-one else does. Yeah, that’s fair.

Meera: But he’s the alpha lizard.

Nate: He’s a greedy lizard, that’s what he is.

Zena: Craig said he’s the alpha lizard and we should be grateful.

Nate: Alpha lizard my – Look, let me tell you about Craig. He gets everything he wants because he’s slightly bigger. That’s all. Slightly bigger. He has no personality because he doesn’t need one. He’s no abilities, but who cares? He’s slightly bigger! He’s a slightly bigger stupid tedious bully! And don’t get me started on his looks! He is so ugly that – you’ve gone quiet…

Craig: Oi!

Nate: He’s behind me, isn’t he?

Meera: Yes.

Nate: Yup.

Craig: What are you creeping around for, shorty?

Nate: Hi Craig, I was saying what a great sense of humour you have.

Craig: I know. I heard.

Nate: My. You really are… slightly bigger, aren’t you?

Craig: Slightly.

Nate: No wonder you’re the alpha lizard.

Craig: And don’t forget it.

Nate: Well, I’ll be off then.

Craig: Yes you will. And if I ever catch you dragging your belly round here again, you’re dead. Come on, girls. (they go off.)

Nate: Foiled again! There’s got to be a way to gain access to these females without provoking Craig…Maybe… with a little dressing up… a touch of make-up… and Nate becomes Natalie!

(Some time later)

Nate (in high-pitched voice): And so he says to her, ‘I don’t know what you want from me, Iguana!’ and she says, ‘Iguana be left alone!’

Zena and Meera: Hahaha!

Meera: Oh Natalie, you’re so funny!

Nate: Well, what a lovely shopping trip that was, we three ladies.

Zena: Yes, I love your new kimono!

Nate: I’ll wear it tonight -- at our sleepover!

Meera: Oh yes!

Zena: I can’t wait!

Nate: We can talk about our fantasy lizards.

Meera: Ooh, fun!

Nate: Mine has a stegosaurus head, a velociraptor’s legs! And Godzilla’s… tail!

Zena: Hahahaha!

Meera: You are so funny!

Zena: Yeah! You’re like the girl version of this guy we know, Nate…

Nate: Nate, you say? Is he cute?

Meera: Kinda.

Nate: Cuter than Craig?

Zena: Yes.

Nate: Cuter and funnier…and he’s nicer than Craig too, right?

Meera: Oh definitely!

Nate: Well then, you must introduce me to this Nate!

Zena: Funny, Nate suddenly seems more attractive now you’ve said that.

Nate: Yes! Yes! We want to mate with Nate!

Zena: Hahaha! That’s so funny!

Meera: That’s totally what Nate would say!

Nate: Well, ladies, wait to mate with Nate no more! Ta-da! (removes dress to gasps from lady lizards.)

Zena: Nate! It’s you!

Nate: None other!

Meera: But you’re wearing women’s clothes!

Nate: So?

Zena: You’re a shemale!

Meera: A cross-dresser!

Nate: I prefer the term Kimono dragon myself. Haha! Ha?

Zena: Whatever.

Meera: Well, this is… disappointing.

Zena: Yes, we were sick of Craig and his chauvinism and you seemed like a nice guy.

Nate: I am a nice guy!

Meera: But you’re not interested in girl lizards, are you?

Nate: No! You’re wrong! I am interested! In fact, that’s the whole reason I’m doing this!

Zena: What? You were dressing up in women’s clothes to get close to us?

Nate: Yes! Isn’t that funny?

Meera: No! It’s abhorrent!

Zena: Urgh! You saw me trying on underwear and everything!

Nate: Hey, I said it looked great, didn't I?

Meera: Pervert!

Zena: Come on, Meera, let’s go.

Nate: Can I call you later?

Zena and Meera: No!

Zena: Wait til Craig hears about this…(exit)

Nate: (sighs) Women! Talk about cold-blooded! How could this get any worse?

Craig: ‘Ello, gorgeous! Haven’t seen you round here before…

To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.

New Anthem for Southeast Asia (to the tune of Y.M.C.A)

A musical number taken from this week's Instant Noodles -- hear it online now at english.rti.org.tw (until Thursday).

Charlie: The European Union uses as their anthem the stirring Ode to Joy from Beethoven's magnificent Ninth Symphony. Not to be outdone, the Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN) has decided to come up with their own theme tune of unity and brotherly love.

Andrew: I'm guessing it wasn't written by Beethoven though.

Charlie: No, it was a bit late to commission him for this job. The new feem toon was in fact written by two Thai composers and is called 'The ASEAN Way'. It was given its official debut at the regional trading bloc's annual summit at the Thai beach resort of Hua Hin. The hymn reaches its climax with the words, 'We dare to dream, we care to share. Together for ASEAN.'

Andrew: I think I've heard this! 'WE DARE TO DREAM! WE CARE TO SHARE!'

Charlie: I don't know how catchy it is to be honest, from your rendition. But I do know they had a kind of contest to select it, kind of like Eurovision.

Andrew: Was it as camp as Eurovision?

Charlie: It was held on a beach in Thailand, what do you think? I think it was very camp indeed. In fact, if I were commissioned to write the theme tune for the Association of Southeast Asian Nations, I think it would go something like this...

(Opening bars of Village People -- Y.M.C.A)

Young man -

The world economy's down!

I said, young man -

But you can wipe off the frown!

Because, young man -

There's a new bloc in town,

It's a sunny happy region!

Young man -

Give Southeast Asia a go!

I said, young man -

When your exports are slow!

You can come here,

From Bangkok to Bali,

Where the love and trade are free!

It's fun to trade with the A.S.E.A.N.!

Come on and trade with the A.S.E.A.N.!

They have everything for every trading young boy -

It's a stimulus you'll enjoy!

Come on and trade with the A.S.E.A.N.!

It's fun to trade with the A.S.E.A.N.!

Wipe your deficits clean!

Pull your tariffs right down!

And let's spread all the wealth around!

A.S.E.A.N.! (etc. to fade)

To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.