The Matchmaker's Apprentice

(From this week's Instant Noodles -- RTI's weekly take on the lighter news from the Asia Pacific region. Stream it online at english.rti.org.tw)

South Korea: Nearly 400 men between the ages of 26 and 49 have applied to marry a millionairess who advertised for a soulmate. The 49-year-old millionairess doesn't have time to vet them all herself, being a high-powered businesswoman, so she's taken on a matchmaking service to help her whittle down the candidates to the most "serious-minded."

Doctors, lawyers, accountants, soldiers, teachers, bank workers and civil servants are just some of those who have thrown their varied hats in the ring and eight have now been selected for the final round.

We at Instant Noodles were privileged to have a behind the scenes look at the last-- Okay, obviously we weren't but you know the shtick. Join us now for what we imagine to be a cross between The Bachelor and The Apprentice...


(Bouncy intro music. Voiceover: They nauseated you in The Bachelor! Their aggressive smug posturing infuriated you in The Apprentice! Now they face their toughest challenge yet as they prepare to face -- their Matchmaker!)

Scene: a boardroom. The three final contestants sit facing The Matchmaker)

Matchmaker: Thank you for coming, gentlemen. As you know, our mission is to find a suitable husband for our CEO. Are there any questions before we start? Yes.

Candidate 2: Will we get to meet the lady at any point?

Matchmaker: I’m sorry, she’s a very busy woman. Okay, let’s start with you -- number one.

Candidate 1: Yes.

Matchmaker: It says here you’re 23.

Candidate 1: That’s right.

Matchmaker: You know that’s very young for the position

Candidate 1: Don’t be fooled. I’ve achieved more already than most people three times my age. I give 120 percent 150 percent of the time and I don’t know the meaning of the word failure.

Matchmaker: I see. Fan of The Apprentice, I'm guessing?

Candidate 1: Never miss it.

Matchmaker: Right.

Candidate 1: I’ve seen 170 percent of all the episodes.

Matchmaker: Yes… The problem is, you don’t really have any experience at this level. You’ve never been married.

Candidate 1: No, but I did once have a girlfriend who was very high maintenance.

Matchmaker: I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re suitable.

Candidate 1: I think you’re wrong.

Matchmaker: Let me put it like this. You have a 200 percent chance of not getting this job. Go away.

Candidate 1: You’ll regret this! I’ll marry my own 49-year-old and we’ll see who’s laughing then!

Matchmaker: Such horrid people you get on this show. Next, number two -- age 43, that’s a bit more like it. Experience… it says you have been married before.

Candidate 2: Yes, I’m divorced.

Matchmaker: Ah. So why did your first marriage fail?

Candidate 2: Well there wasn’t one single reason…

Matchmaker: But you must have done a performance review…

Candidate 2: Well I would like to think I’ve learned from my mistakes.

Matchmaker: Maybe. But we'd still have to carry out due diligence with your background. Frankly I don’t feel you deserve a second chance with an investment this size. Sorry. Next. Okay, number three, age 49, that’s good. You’ve been married before too I see. Divorced?

Candidate 3: Er no, I’m a widower.

Matchmaker: Hmm. Congratulations, you’re hired!

Candidate 3: Oh. Right. So, what happens now?

Matchmaker: I’ll just buzz you through. (buzz, door opening) Ma’am, we’ve found a husband for you, this is Mr…

Candidate 3: Kim.

Matchmaker: Mr Kim.

Bride: Nice to meet you, dear. Shall we? (Wedding march starts up)

Candidate 3: Oh. Er…

Bride: If we could be quick, I have a board meeting in ten minutes.

(Reading the script is all very well but how about hearing to the real thing as performed by Charlie and Andrew Ryan with silly voices, sound effects and everything! Listen to Instant Noodles by going to english.rti.org.tw then locating Thursday on the left hand side of the page. Click on one of the two media player icons next to Thursday and when your media player appears, move the playback bar to around 25 minutes in. It does work, honest.)

Gambling? That's an Academic Question

(from this week's Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly take on the stranger news from the Asia Pacific region. Listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Hanoi: Lecturers and officials from Vietnam's Finance Academy have been arrested for allegedly gambling on cards.

People from Vietnam are very fond of gambling (AFP said it, not me) on anything from cards to cock-fighting, even though the practice is outlawed.

Eight staff from the academy -- which trains people to work in the government and private financial sector -- were caught by police playing cards in the academy parking lot with a pot of 30 million dong (US$1,667) in the middle.

The argument that the card game was in fact a demonstration of statistics and applied economics apparently cut no ice.

Here's how Instant Noodles pictured the scene at the faculty meeting of the Vietnam Finance Academy's Institute of Advanced Poker...

Professor Ngo: Okay, gentlemen! Time to ante up with your financial forecasts. Professsor Nguyen, you’re first.

Professor Nguyen: Hmm. GM files for bankruptcy… but the stronger dollar and falling stock markets push oil back under seventy dollars a barrel. Raise you fifty. Professor Tran?

Professor Tran: I’ll see your analysis… and raise you on expectations of increased third quarter export volume ahead of abolishing tariffs with China. Doctor Pham, what about you?

Doctor Pham: I’m in. Tentative signs of recovery suggest a bottoming out of the recession with consumer confidence gradually increasing. What do you say, Professor Ngo?

Ngo: Well I think in line with Marxist-Leninist principles we should take all the chips and redistribute them equally.

(Pause, then everyone bursts out laughing.)

Nguyen: Ah, that’s a good one, Ngo!

Pham: You nearly had me there!

Ngo: Ha ha ha! No, seriously, I’ll call.

Tran: Okay gentlemen, what've you got?

Nguyen: (sighs, showing cards) Just a flush more busted than the subprime mortgage market. Queen high. Tran?

Tran: (showing cards) I’ve got a pair of commodities. Pham?

Pham: (showing cards) Full house, foreign exchange reserves over futures.

Ngo: Not bad, Pham. (showing cards) Except…. for my full set of Emirates… Read ‘em and weep!

Tran: Wow! That’s an Oil Flush!

Nguyen: Ngo, you sly bugger! With a poker face like that you’ll be minister within five years!

(Enter policeman)

Police officer: What’s going on here?

Nguyen: Hello officer. This? It’s just our regular Thursday night study group.

Police officer: Then why do you have a pack of cards?

Nguyen: Oh, they’re a statistical tool to demonstrate probability, that’s all.

Police officer: And why is there a big pile of money in the middle here?

Tran: It’s a stimulus package.

Police officer: I know what you’re up to. You’re gambling! Finance academy professors – you should know better!

Nguyen: Ah officer, didn’t you know? All finance is gambling!

Police officer: Well I’m confiscating these winnings as toxic assets! And you can explain your economic theories to the judge!

Tran: Uh oh – looks like we need a bail-out…

(Listening to Instant Noodles is actually quite easy. You're just not trying hard enough. First go to RTI's English homepage: english.rti.org.tw and see the days of the week helpfully displayed in the top left of the page. Click on one of the two media player icons next to Thursday. When your media player opens, move the playback bar to around 25 minutes in. Er, and that's it. Enjoy!)

Stand Up for the Bureaucrats!

(From this week's Instant Noodles -- our weekly wrap of the stranger news from the Asia Pacific region. Listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Japan's bureaucrats have been under fire of late, with the opposition accusing them of misspending taxpayers' money. The bureaucrats blasted their critics however with a withering volley of brilliantly timed and pithy put-downs.

Or at least, they should have done. They've been spending the taxpayer's yen on getting lessons in stand-up comedy.

More than one hundred employees at the ministry of transport were recently given lessons from professional comedians, apparently in an attempt to help them communicate with their clients, other staff members and just generally lighten up a bit.

The public may not find this use of their money to be so funny. But on the other hand, they won't be able to complain that the government has no sense of humour.

Officials within the ministry of transport however are reporting an elevated level of performance anxiety during ministry briefings as Instant Noodles discovered... (harp music)

Minister: Next the junior undersecretary for transport, Mr Takaga, will make his report.

(The junior undersecretary enters to a trombone riff.)

Undersecretary: Hi, how you doing? Great to be here. So I just flew in from Osaka – and boy, are my arms tired! 

(silence)

Undersecretary: Ha.. bit of an oldie to start, there… So anyone here in the Cabinet? Yes? Kinda cramped in there, isn’t it? 

(silence)

Undersecretary: I could have been in the cabinet except for my claustrophobia. (Paper rustling.) Okay, that’s the same gag, sorry. Mind you, I saw the employment minister’s routine last night – talk about some laboured jokes!

(Silence. A slight cough.) 

Undersecretary: But seriously, anyone here from Kyoto ? The transport is in great shape there in Kyoto … you've got car shaped, bus shaped… train shaped….ah…

Minister: Mr Undersecretary, are you going anywhere with this?

Undersecretary: Well this is the transport ministry isn’t it? We can go anywhere you like!

(This joke gets a slightly more positive response, which encourages the undersecretary).

Undersecretary: Haha, yes. As long as you’ve got the budget, that is. How about those budget cuts recently, you hear about that? Turns out they’re going to scrap the Bullet Train. Yeah. Too expensive. Next month we’ll all be riding the BB Express instead. Ha.

(Silence. Someone says, "I don’t get it.")

Undersecretary: Okay. Time for the good stuff. So we commissioned a white paper last month. Came back, there was nothing on it!

(Silence)

Undersecretary: 'Cos it was a white... paper… 

(cough)

Undersecretary: No? Whew, tough committee.

Heckler: You suck! (laughs)

Undersecretary: Hey, give me a break – it’s hard being up here, you know!

Heckler: Yeah? Try sitting down here!

Undersecretary: Minister, what do you say?

Minister: Mr Undersecretary...  you're fired!  

Heckler: Hahaha! You're fired! Like that show, The Apprentice!

Minister: Thank you, counselor, that was the joke.

(Listening to Instant Noodles online couldn't be simpler. Okay, actually, it could be a lot simpler. Don't get me started. But if you are determined you may succeed if the stars are correctly aligned. Go to our website english.rti.org.tw and see the days of the week in the top left of the page. Click on one of the media player icons next to Thursday. When media player opens, move the playback bar to around twenty five minutes in.)

Torture is an ugly word... I prefer the term "Celine Dion."

(from this week's Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly wrap of the odder news from the Asia-Pacific region -- listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Las Vegas: High roller sabotaged by bad feng shui.  A Taiwanese man who lost US$2 million in Las Vegas casino is planning to sue the casino for sabotaging his winning streak by undermining his room's feng shui. 

The man, Mr Yuan, claims the Venetian hotel/casino dug a one meter square hole in the wall of the presidential suite where he was staying and covered it with a black cloth. They also put out two white towels in front of his suite and turned on two large fans facing his room, flooding it with inauspicious qi.

Yuan claims his luck changed after he discovered these alterations, and he went from being US$400,000 up to being US$2 million in the hole. Yuan said, "We Chinese drape black and white cloths only when there is a death in the family. It is a taboo for regular people, let alone for gamblers," he said. He intends to sue for "feng shui sabotage" if the hotel fails to come up with "a reasonable solution."

Feng shui (風水, wind and water) is the ancient Chinese tradition of geomancy that seeks to channel energy through the arrangement of furniture and ornaments. 

From what I've seen of Las Vegas casinos in the movies however, we at Instant Noodles suspect they may not let Mr Yuan off the hook so lightly...

(doorbell)

Yuan: Yes?

Casino manager: Good evening, Mr Yuan. I see you are preparing to check out.

Yuan: You don't say! It's been a terrible weekend.

Casino manager:  Better luck next time. Before you go however, there is the unfortunate matter of your account.

Yuan: Ha! Forget it, I’m not paying.

Casino manager: That is unfortunate. May I ask why?

Yuan: Because your hotel has the worst feng shui!

Casino manager:  I am sorry to hear it. I am assured our kitchen uses only the finest ingredients.

Yuan: Not the catering! The room! I’m sorry, who are you again?

Casino manager:  I represent my associates in the ah… construction industry.

Yuan: Well kindly inform your associates in the construction industry on the right way to build a hotel. Look at this – black cloth on the wall, white towels on the rail... What, did somebody die?

Casino manager:  We are hoping that will not be necessary.

Yuan: As soon as I noticed the bad feng shui I started to lose. Whose fault is that?

Casino manager:  Sometimes it is wise to stop before your luck runs out.

Yuan: Wrong! It's your fault! That's why I'm not paying the debt.

Casino manager:  I'm sorry you feel this way. That is... unfortunate.

Yuan: I agree. Very unfortunate!

Casino manager:  Perhaps you would reconsider.

Yuan: No!

Casino manager:  Then I'm afraid you leave me no choice, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: Are you threatening me? W-What's that you’re holding?

Casino manager:  You force me to give you this  complimentary  ticket.

Yuan: Ticket for what?

Casino manager:  Celine Dion, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: Celine Dion? A-Are you threatening to torture me?

Casino manager: Torture is such an ugly word, Mr Yuan. I prefer the term… Celine Dion.

Yuan: No! You can't intimidate me like this!

Casino manager:  Front row seats, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: Do you know who I am? You can't subject me to this kind of...

Casino manager:  Her heart will go on and on, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: No! No! Not that! Anything!

Casino manager:  And if you still need time to think, we can take you backstage at the tiger show…

Yuan: (frightened squeak)

Casino manager:  Let me be blunt, Mr Yuan. Settle your account within an hour or me and my associates will be round to rearrange the feng shui of your face. Are we clear?

Yuan: (squeak) Okay.

(To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.)