The Mating Habits of Wizards

Now that the Harry Potter series is all done and dusted and we finally know who dies and who gets together with who, it's time to address the question: How is it that wizards are so conservative in their mating habits?

See, if we accept the proposition that magic is generally used by people who wish to impose their sexual desires on other people (and we will, because it's my blog and I say so) then these guys have the power to do whatever with whomever they want. But do they? No! What do they do? They marry the first person they ever dated seriously, that's what! Usually from their year at Hogwarts and almost certainly from their own house since they never seem to mix with anyone else.

Furthermore, with no university equivalent of Hogwarts there's no accepted period of sowing wild wizard oats. Rather you're expected to be married by eighteen with a baby on the way by twenty. Interestingly, even the evil ones are paragons of monogamy. No one has affairs or gets divorced. If you happen to be brought up by someone other than your two parents it can only be because your parents were murdered or (in Neville's case) tortured into insanity. As far as I can see there are no single parent wizarding families. There is not even the suggestion of pre-marital sex. Hard to see how the books have got certain Christian groups so worked up if you ask me.

Clearly wizards and witches imprint upon each other from an early age and as irrevocably as the robot kid from A.I. How else to explain the case of Snape, who spends his whole life pining for Harry's mother even after it's apparent that, like Mormons, she'll still be married to his rival even after death? A clear hiding-to-nothing there and Snape surely would have done much better turning his considerable abilities to getting over it. Think about it, if he'd really wanted to he could have knocked up a get-over-it potion in five minutes and there you go, free to live a full and rewarding life as Hogwarts master/Dark Lord's First Lieutenant, take your pick. But no, instead he devotes himself to the memory of his doomed love by spending seven years bullying her son. What a loser. Snape is not a hero, he is an arse. Arse, I say!

Something that is not explained in the series is how children with magical abilities are sometimes born to non-magical parents (muggles). I don't know if any research has been done on the matter but my theory is this - that wizarding DNA spontaneously manifests itself in non-magical bloodlines because it knows how irritatingly insular the species is. Since the kids at Hogwarts can't even be bothered to talk to the kids at the next table, it knows that if wizards are left to their own devices, they'll all become horribly, horribly inbred.

This applies especially to Lord Voldemort. You thought his freaky complexion and slits for eyes were the physiological manifestation of his descent into evil? No, it's because his parents were brother and sister and that's why he looks like the kid from Deliverance. Forget the Elder Wand, he should have duelled Harry Potter with a banjo.

This for me is the essential reason why Harry ultimately defeats Voldemort. Judged by his actions, Voldemort, far from being a brilliant wizard, is actually rather thick. He's just slightly cleverer than the retarded pure-bloods he surrounds himself with. So defeating him is essentially no different - or harder - than getting one over on Draco Malfoy.

Here endeth the rant. On a more positive note, I'd just like to end by saying that I added the 'Sorting Hat' application on facebook and it put me in Ravenclaw. I knew it - I've always known. "Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure." Plus I could impress Cho Chang with my Cantonese.

Broken Arm Spirit

From the files of Instant Noodles...

Charlie: And now in Japan, after a break of a few weeks, it’s the return of Japanese Robot News! And it’s fitting that I say break, because that is in fact what this latest robot has been doing – breaking people’s arms!

Andrew: Good heavens!

Charlie: Well, it's not actually a robot. It’s an arcade machine called Arm Spirit. An arm wrestling simulator game found in Japanese amusement arcades. So what happens is, the human player pits his strength against the machine’s plastic arm. Only now 150 of them across the country are being withdrawn after three people broke their arms playing it.

Andrew: That sounds terrible. So the machine doesn’t know its own strength?

Charlie: No, because the machine’s strength is precisely regulated – it has ten difficulty levels, ranging from French maid to Chihuahua dog-

Andrew: Ooh, stand back!

Charlie: Yes, French maids not really renowned for their arm wrestling prowess, I guess.

Andrew: No, when I last ran into a French maid she didn’t challenge me.

Charlie: Yeah, you wish! Anyway, so the French maid is at the, er, lower end of the machine’s scale while the most difficult level is professional wrestler. But at the same time, the company that makes the machine says it’s not that strong. They said the machine is much weaker than a "muscle man." In fact, they reckon a woman should be able to beat it!

Andrew: What does that mean? Are they saying women are weak?

Charlie: It’s a little sexist, isn’t it?

Andrew: A tad. So the people who got their arms broken, the company is saying it’s their own fault for being too girly?

Charlie: Well, they didn’t come out and go that far. But what they said was, maybe the players got over excited and twisted their arms in an unnatural way. And that was what caused the breaking. Of the arms.

Andrew: So it’s the players’ fault, not the machine’s.

Charlie: That’s pretty much what they’re implying, isn’t it? Well, we decided to find out, so we dispatched an Instant Noodles reporter to discover more...

Reporter: I’m here looking at one of the controversial Arm Spirit arcade machines which has been accused of breaking players’ arms. And with me is Shinzo Sakiyama, the machine’s designer.

Mr Sakiyama: Hello.

Reporter: Mr Sakiyama, you say the fault for these unfortunate incidents lies with the players, is that correct?

Mr Sakiyama: Absolutely. Arm Spirit is not strong enough for this, to break someone’s arm-

Arm Spirit: Yes I did. They were unworthy opponents.

Reporter: Mr Sakiyama, did you know your Arm Spirit machine can talk?

Mr Sakiyama: Er... he hasn’t done that before.

Arm Spirit: My humble apologies, master. You see, I, Arm Spirit, became possessed by the kami – or spirit – of Akateko. The red hand that dangles from the tree.

Mr Sakiyama: Oh. Okay.

Arm Spirit: It was only then that I, Arm Spirit, saw how shameful was my state. How could it be that I, Arm Spirit, should wrestle like a French maid? It was Akateko who showed me the way of the warrior.

Reporter: Mr Sakiyama, were you aware of this?

Mr Sakiyama: Erm... ah…

Reporter: So, er, Arm Spirit, why did you start breaking arms then? Was it for fun?

Arm Spirit: Never! I, Arm Spirit, follow the way of the warrior! Where my adversary was worthy, we shared the sacred bond of bushido. But where my opponent was unworthy and knew not the way of the warrior, only then, did I, Arm Spirit-

Reporter: You broke their arms.

Arm Spirit: I did, yes.

Reporter: Well, you’re clearly quite mad, so I’m very glad you’re being taken away.

Arm Spirit: This cannot be so! I challenge you to an arm wrestle!

Reporter: Yeah, that’s not going to happen. So, Mr Sakiyama, any comments?

Mr Sakiyama: Well, obviously, it’s very regrettable that Arm Spirit would become possessed by kami. We guarantee this will not happen with our next machine.

Reporter: What’s that then?

Mr Sakiyama: The Samurai Sword Spirit.

Reporter: Great, well we look forward to that. Back to you in the studio.

Originally broadcast on Instant Noodles for RTI on August 30th, 2007. Listen to this week's show online at http://english.rti.org.tw/ - Listen - Thursday (15 mins in)

Malaysia Ends 30-Year False Teeth Career

From the Instant Noodles files...

Charlie: Finally in Malaysia today for this story - Malaysia ends 30-year false teeth career. Now actually, it wasn’t the teeth that were false – it was the career! Police recently arrested a Malaysian man who has practiced as a dentist for 29 years despite having no medical training.

Andrew: Well, practice makes perfect I guess!

Charlie: The 63 year-old man used to treat his patients in a cast-off examining chair from the 1940s. What knowledge of dentistry the man had came from when he was assistant to an army dentist in the 1960s and 70s. He would carry the real dentist’s bags when he visited plantation workers.

Andrew: Wow. What would it be like as an army dentist?

Charlie: I think it would be something like: "Get ready for extraction! We’re pulling out! Look out, boys, here comes the gas!"

Andrew: "Don’t pull a tooth til you see the whites of their eyes!"

Charlie: What do you call an army dentist anyway?

Andrew: I don’t know.

Charlie: A drill sergeant.

Andrew: That’s bad.

Charlie: Anyway, the wannabe dentist would watch the real dentist diagnose and give treatment, and he said he watched how the real dentist would extract teeth and take measurements for dentures. Later on, when he was told he was too old to be a dentist’s assistant any more, the man successfully convinced his neighbors that he himself was a retired army dentist. And thus started a long and until recently successful career doing extractions and supplying dentures. Health officials raided his place after a tip-off and apparently it took six men to carry off his chair, which had been tossed out by the army in 1978.

Andrew: Have you had any bad experiences with dentists?

Charlie: Once – shortly after I arrived in Taiwan actually – I went to a dentist as I’d noticed some bleeding from the gums when I brushed my teeth. And the dentist said this could be caused by gingivitis. Or, he said, maybe I had AIDS.

Andrew: What!

Charlie: Yes, which I don’t think is something any healthcare professional should say lightly. I don’t have gingivitis either, I might add.

Anyway, the Malaysian amateur dentist sounded like a bit of a joker as well. Here’s how we at Instant Noodles envisioned the scene…

Patient: Thanks for seeing me at short notice, none of the other dentists could give me an appointment.

Dentist: Well, that’s the other dentists for you, isn’t it? Have a seat there.

Patient: Wow, your dentist chair looks really old.

Dentist: Ah, they don’t make them like they used to, do they? Sit yourself down, you know the drill.

Patient: The what!?

Dentist: Haha, just my little joke there, the drill. Haha. Maybe later! No, please. Now before we start I’d just like to ask you a question.

Patient: What’s that?

Dentist: Is it safe?

Patient: What?

Dentist: Is it safe?

Patient: Oh God, you’re that evil Nazi dentist from the movie Marathon Man. Help! Help!

Dentist: Is it safe? Ah no, I’m just messing with you. Just having a little – is it safe?

Patient: Help! Aaargh.

Dentist: No, I’m just messing, just a little joke. Help you relax.

Patient: Well you can help by looking at my teeth.

Dentist: Of course. Let’s have a look here. Say ‘ah.’

Patient: Aaaaah.

Dentist: Say sagamaloola.

Patient: Ah-ah-ah-oo-aa

Dentist: Say mechicka boola

Patient: Eh-ih-ah-oo-ah.

Dentist: Put ‘em together and what have you got?

Patient: Huh?

Dentist: I’m sorry, the answer was bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Let’s see now. Good Lord! One of your teeth has swollen up and turned pink!

Patient: At by ung!

Dentist: It’ll have to come out, where’s my big tweezers? (muffled protest) What’s that?

Patient: That’s not a tooth, it’s my tongue!

Dentist: I knew that.

Patient: You do know about teeth, don’t you?

Dentist: Of course! There’s the insiders, the carbines, the bicustards and the moles. Then there’s the magical wisdom teeth, who know the answer to any question – woooh!

Patient: No, that’s wrong. All wrong. None of that was right. Are you even a certified dentist?
Dentist: Well, I am certified.

Patient: Right, I’m out of here.

Dentist: No, wait, one moment. Sir!

Patient: What?

Dentist: Is it safe?

Patient: Argh! Let me out of here! Argh! You freak!

Originally broadcast on Instant Noodles for RTI on August 23rd, 2007. Listen to this week's show online at http://english.rti.org.tw/ - Listen - Thursday.

The Haunted Houses of Keelung

Belief in ghosts in widespread in Taiwan. While we in the West have our traditions of campfire stories and haunted castles, not many people really believe in them, do they? I mean, really take them seriously. Put it this way, here in Taiwan you’re much more likely to meet someone who claims they’ve actually seen a ghost themselves, and not just the friend of a friend. I used to tutor a young man who confided in me that he occasionally saw spirits of the departed walking around near his home. How do you know they are ghosts? I asked him. Because, he said, as they walked towards me, from the waist down there was nothing there!

We’re in the middle of Ghost Month here in Taiwan, the seventh month in the lunar calendar, where it is believed ghosts and spirits emerge from the nether world. Especially on Ghost Day, the thirteenth day of the month, which fell on Monday last week. On Tomb Sweeping Day, which occurs in the spring, it is traditional to pay your respects to your deceased ancestors. But on Ghost Day, your ancestors repay the visit. So everywhere you go on Ghost Day, you’ll see the tables that people have set in front of their homes and businesses, laden down with fruits and cookies and various goodies for their ravenous old relatives. It’s common enough in Taiwan to see people burning ghost money at various times of the year. These are printed paper notes for your ancestors to use in the afterlife, and people burn them in metal buckets outside their homes. The act is a spiritual bank transfer if you like with the facsimile cash passing over by means of fire. And I’ve never seen so many people burning ghost money as on Ghost Day itself -or so much of it. In fact, your biggest danger on Ghost Day came not from the spirits, but from the smoke – not to mention the drifting fragments of still burning ash. Many an item of clothing was later reported to have small holes singed in it as a result.

But I wasn’t sure how I could mark Ghost Day Occidental Tourist style. That is, until one of my colleagues suggested I might like to visit one of Taiwan’s four big haunted houses. I was not aware of Taiwan’s four big haunted houses, so I embarked on a quest. It was in this search which took me through many a darkened library store room and cobwebbed archive that I uncovered a curious and ancient parchment. And this, once I had deciphered the runes, did indeed speak of four ghostly locations. Actually that’s not true. I just looked on the Internet. And it did seem to be the case that of all the notable haunted houses around the island, there is a consensus on the big four. Taiwan’s four most spooky dwellings for the visitor brave - or foolish - enough to visit.

Of the so-called big four, one is in Minhsiung, near Chiayi in southern central Taiwan. It’s also the location of RTI’s National Radio Museum. And it’s too far away. So that one was out. The second was in Hsinchu in northern Taiwan. That was closer, but still further than I wanted to go. But numbers three and four on the list were located in the northern port city of Keelung. Perfect. Two of Taiwan’s top haunted houses in one town, only about half an hour out of Taipei.

So it was time to head out for a spot of ghost hunting. And there’s nothing like catching the train at Taipei Main Station to put you in the mood. The underground platforms always feel dismal and enclosed like a waiting room to the underworld. Spectral lights then pierce the gloom as the train screeches into the station like a banshee. Trish has come with me today – I’ll be honest enough to say I didn’t fancy going it alone on this one. And like me she also had various horror movie scenarios going on in her mind.

Trish: What happens if we go in to the haunted house and then we disappear? And then all they find is your recorder.
Me: Oh, you mean like the Blair Witch Project or one of those movies.
Trish: Yeah.
Me: Well I hope they’ll at least do a better job on the editing.

But while we travel, let me tell you about the first place we are going to. One of my guides to the haunted houses is an anonymous blogger who visited all four sites. Here’s what he or she had to say:

The results of my observations were that the Minhsiung ghost house is not as fearsome as you might imagine. And the house in Hsinchu is about as scary as an ornamental garden. But the house in downtown Keelung – there is something truly disturbing about that one. Why is it scary? If it is haunted you can’t tell from the outside. And no-one has come to harm by it. But it scares me because here is a place, right in downtown Keelung – prime real estate – and yet no-one dares to rebuild on it. Is that not strange?

This house – number three on the list – is a three-storey European-style town house, built about seventy years ago by a local merchant. Located on the corner of two of the city’s busiest streets with views over the harbour. The merchant and his family lived there for a time. Then after the war, with US troops stationed in Taiwan, the house became a bar frequented by the GIs. Then at some point the bar closed and the house gradually fell into disrepair. And stories began to circulate about the deserted house, as stories do. Some said a lovelorn girl had hanged herself there. Others said it was the site where a spurned suitor had murdered the object of his desire. But one thing is certain – the building has been empty for at least thirty years, probably longer.

Arriving in Keelung, we took a taxi to the address I’d obtained. Only to find that it was all of three hundred yards away from the station. But it was worth it, as I was able to quiz the taxi driver on what he knew of the house. No one dares live there, he said. And if anyone goes in, they come out again pretty quickly. Some of them have even fallen sick. Yes, I said, but has anyone ever seen anything? He didn’t know.

Me: Well, here I am on site at the first of Keelung’s famous haunted houses. We’re right in place where the center of Keelung meets the harbour. And it is a strange feeling, because Keelung town centre is just right here and it continues either side of what is just a derelict European-style town house on the corner of a street. It’s like a 1930s period gap in the middle of a modern street. What do you think, Trish?
Trish: I think it just looks like a derelict old building… with severe damp problems.
Me: There’s many strange stories about this house. Late at night maybe there would be strange ghostly lights coming from behind the windows upstairs. Or even occasionally a face…
Trish: Maybe there’s squatters inside.
Me: We’re looking up, it’s three storeys tall, it’s actually got trees and shrubs growing up on the roof, it’s been vacant so long. It’s all blackened with neglect, decades of grime and dirt from the streets has accumulated on it. Looking at the windows now, is any face going to-
Trish: Ooh, there’s a ghost!
Me: Don’t do that.

We both felt a little underwhelmed by this one. Admittedly the house does look starkly out of place. But it seems the real reason no one has rebuilt on the site is that the original owner’s children have yet to divide their inheritance. In any case, we decided to move on to Keelung’s second haunted location, or number four on the list. Our mystery blogger was fairly cool about this one however:

The fourth house is not really a haunted house in my view. It’s just that the lay of the land gives it a strong yin factor which creates a certain ‘miasma.’ So the place’s yin can make you feel uncomfortable as you pass by it. But it’s not because it’s haunted.

In other words, any spookiness was an effect of the location’s feng shui, the traditional way of identifying good or bad places based on their location relative to mountains and water. And when we arrived we felt sure we’d come to the wrong place. Haunted house number four looked more like a novelty castle. And worse, it wasn’t even abandoned – it was a bar restaurant.

Me: Hmm, well this doesn’t look right, does it? I mean, this building looks like sort of a gloomy mock castle building, but it’s…
Trish: It seems to be a fully-functioning bar.
Me: Yeah, it’s like a restaurant where they do-
Trish: Karaoke.
Me: They do karaoke and fried prawns. This can’t be right at all. Ghosts don’t like fried prawns, do they? Let’s ask around here somewhere.

But enquiring of a nearby shopkeeper, we were assured that this was indeed the place. The shopkeeper said that when she was small she had also heard the place was haunted.

Me: But it doesn’t really look that scary, does it? I mean, it looks like a place that’s built to look a bit like a spooky castle.
Trish: But it doesn’t.
Me: I mean, if you’re going to say a building is haunted just because it’s got a slightly different design… Well, this is as close as we can get I think, we can’t go through a metal gate… but it all looks in order, doesn’t it? It’s not the cleanest place… but we’re looking here onto a small terrace balcony where there’s some tables out… and it just looks like – well, maybe not the funnest place to come for a meal, but nothing particularly out of the ordinary, is it? Now our mystery blogger said that he or she didn’t consider this a haunted place either but reckoned the qi of the place was just bad. That it had too heavy a yin factor because of the lie of the land, and I guess it’s down at the bottom of a hill and next to the road, so whether that gives it bad feng shui I don’t know, I’m not an expert. But the blogger seemed to reckon this created a misma of qi which would drain your energy and leave you feeling uncomfortable as you walked by. Do you feel uncomfortable?
Trish: No, but it smells kind of funny and I wouldn’t want to eat here.
Me: Ah, well that’ll be the miasma then I guess.
Trish: To be honest, all in all I’m fairly disappointed with these haunted houses.
Me: Yeah, there’s not much really going on, is there? No, er… oh, there was a big black butterfly! Which looked a little bit like a bat… no, even that’s straining it a bit, isn’t it?

Trish then said she wanted to leave as she was being pestered by numerous flies.

Trish: Urgh! The flies keep landing on me!
Me: Infested with flies? Then you mean this could be the dwelling place of Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies?
Trish: Er, no.

So those were the results of my ghost hunting this week. A little disappointing I’ll admit. And I must confess that I can’t quite make out just how these two locations in Keelung made it into Taiwan’s top four. But on the other hand, would I rather have seen a ghost? Er, on the whole, no. Funny how to see a ghost must be a horrible thing, yet to not see one leaves you feeling disappointed. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t – as the ghosts themselves might say. Til next time, for the Occidental Tourist, I’m Charlie Horror. I mean, Storrar.

The Occidental Tourist originally broadcast on RTI on 2nd September, 2007.